Kill Count, Real Bigfoot, Undead Wives

If you’re like me and prefer TV over reading, then you missed Death Count: All of the Deaths in the Friday the 13th Film Series illustrated book, which came out October 20, 2017 from Two Things Press. But fear not — now you can get it for $9.99 on Kindle™, which is kinda like a TV version of a book.

At 124 e-pages, author Stacie Ponder goes into groovy gruesome visuals/stats on all who fell before Jason Voorhees’ pretty hate machine. And just how many tasted the pain? You wouldn’t have a reason to watch the book if I told you. But here’s the press release to convince you to wallet up: “With humor, love, and a lot of cartoon violence, Death Count celebrates the victims, survivors, killers, and other random characters encountered in the long-running Friday the 13th film series.”

You might recall a similar concept done in poster form back in 2011 by Andrew Barr of Canada’s National Post and illustrated by Mike Faille. But Sir Voorhees has since added to the terror tally, so Death Count might be the way to fulfill your splatter-y needs.

While I get over my aversion to books (oddly, posters don’t bother me), here are a few now available and upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/documentaries that may or may not make you download in your pants…

BIGFOOT ENCOUNTERS (available now)
“Many believe Bigfoot does not exist. But for those who have seen the creature face to face, there is no question.”

Never been a question for me as to Bigfoot’s existence. I see him face to face every day in the bathroom mirror when I thoroughly brush my teeth. (Bigfoot could use a Rudy’s Barbershop™ shave and a trim. Just sayin’.)

AVENGERS GRIMM: TIME WARS (available now)
“Unhappy being ruler of the Underworld, Rumpelstiltskin frees himself and plans to take over Earth. As the Avengers Grimm fight to stop him, they discover it’s not where he is hiding, but when, forcing our heroes to fight through the ages.”

This one has legendary kick-pants ladies, like Red Riding Hood (the color matches her season), Sleeping Beauty (I hear she snores like someone raking gravel), Snow White (she likes chili — heh!), and Alice of Wonderland fame. (Go asker her when she’s 10-feet tall. Tell me you got that hippie music reference.) So there’s four reasons to watch the movie, even though it rides the cape of that other group of Avengers. You know, the ones who hold iron-gripped dominion over the box office.

BETWEEN WORLDS (2018)
“Joe, a down-on-his-luck truck driver, is haunted by the memory of his deceased wife and child. He meets Julie, a spiritually gifted woman who enlists Joe in a desperate effort to find the lost soul of her comatose daughter, Billie. But the spirit of Joe’s dead wife Mary proves stronger, possessing the young woman’s body and determined to settle her unfinished business with the living.”

No wonder Joe’s down on his luck— his wife comes back from the dead to nag him to death.

AUTOMATA (pending crowdfunding)
“Antique expert Brendan Cole is sent to authenticate a 300 year-old clockwork doll with a notorious history, known as ‘The Infernal Princess.’ In the remote Scottish mansion where it has been discovered, Brendan soon finds himself the victim of the automaton’s legendary curse.”

Aha! So that’s who Annabelle’s grandma is!

There’s A Werewolf In My Mouth

It’s always amazing when new horror movies rip off old horror movies and think no one will connect the dots. A new example of this comes in the form of Wolf House, a supernatural horror movie due out early 2017. It goes like this…

“Six friends on a camping trip think they have discovered and killed a Sasquatch. But what they have actually unleashed is something more evil, more ancient and more deadly than they could ever imagine – an army of supernatural terrors that will hunt them until no one remains…”

That meets my eco concerns. However, their advertising art steals DIRECTLY from 1984’s Goth horror The Company of Wolves, a modern re-spinning of the Red Riding Hood fairy tale. The story is different from Wolf House, but the ad art is either an homage or bold faced thievery. I’m thinkin’ felony burglary here.

The Company of Wolves, by the way, is a must-see for fans of werewolf movies. That thing is loaded with ’em to the point where you don’t know who is a misanthrope lycanthrope (science name for a people hating were-person) or a bipedal hominid (science name for you).

My science name is Led Sapien.

Red Riding in Da Hood

Her name isn’t Red Riding Hood, it’s Valerie. I like her gangsta name better. The dreamy guy she longs to ride is named Peter. (Gimme a break.) Both live in the stink Medieval village of Daggerhorn, with chickens running around like they owned the place, heavy metal blacksmiths, religious fanaticism and a werewolf.

Seems there was an agreement – the villagers would put up their finest livestock for sacrifice every full moon and the werewolf wouldn’t eat them. Fair trade. Until the werewolf, after 20 years, takes out Valerie Hood’s older sister.

An angry mob attack on the werewolf’s cave yielded a stunt double’s head on a stick. But the monster, who looks like a computer-generated version of my neighbor’s rabies-infected dog, has ’em all fooled and has come to take Valerie with him into the woods for whatever perverted reasons.

Getting in the way of all this is dumbass teen drama surrounding two guys wanting to get under Red’s hood and a hammy religious freak who shows up with bodyguards to exterminate the werewolf whom he believes is living right in their midst.

Val-Red can mind-meld with the werewolf, which has her branded a witch and condemned to become bait. False swerves swerve all over the place, from every horny guy in the village and even Red’s grandma being suspected of werewolvery. Cute.

Barely any blood/gore/face-eating worth mentioning, only half a naked boob shot from Valerie who finally hooks up with one of the horny guys in the snow (!), and a very unconvincing werewolf. You already know Red Riding Hood’s (2011) twist ending. Here’s a better one: the OFF button.