Going Ape Over Kong, Girls With Crabs, Tattooed Ghosts

Mezcotoyz.com is globally known for making incredibly cool action figures, using characters from Halloween, The Evil Dead and The Exorcist, to Friday The 13th, Dawn of the Dead, It and mucho more. Their latest masterpiece is an 18” tall Kong from Skull Island with, get this — THREE interchangeable heads. This covers a wide range of mood swings.

Pre-orderable now, the ridiculously neato Kong figure ships between November 2019 – January 2020. While the $250.00 asking price is a bit steep, think of how cool Kong would look standing atop a festive fruit arrangement on your dining room table.

Before I head out to buy a dining room table, here are a few now available/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as visually pleasing as a festive fruit arrangement…

CRABGIRL (available now/Amazon Prime™)
“A young virgin guy does not manage to have sex with his beloved long-term girlfriend on his 23rd birthday. By putting an ultimatum on their relationship, he acknowledges the incredible truth beyond her rejection.”

Not really a movies (though it should be), this 19-minute film short came out in the Ukraine 2018. Unless the Internet is lying to me. You’d think this is a cautionary tale and a metaphor for STDs, but the crabgirl has an actual beach crab living in her love grotto. Apparently, since she was a kid. Her boyfriend thinks she’s just making excuses to not have sex with him. What follows next is amusingly predictable. But stick around for the twist ending. It will make you LOL.

JOHNNY GHOST (available now)
“Millicent, a professional musician and lecturer, decides to remove her tattoo, only to begin experiencing ghosts from her past.”

Pffft — I’ve removed lots of tattoos and have yet to see one ghost. I don’t care if they are rub-on tats; they still count.

FREAKS (August 23, 2019)
“A disturbed father locks his 7-year-old daughter in a house, warning her of grave dangers outside. But the mysterious Mr. Snowcone convinces the girl to escape and join him on a profound quest for family, freedom, and revenge.”

If some guy named Mr. Snowcone asked me to go come along, I would follow him to the ends of the Earth.

REBORN (2019)
“A stillborn baby girl is abducted by a morgue attendant and brought back to life by electrokinetic power. On her sixteenth birthday, she escapes captivity and sets out to find her birth mother, leaving a trail of destruction behind her.”

Um, would her name happen to be Carrie, by any chance?

Comic Book of the Dead, Blindsided Apocalypse, Jungle Zombies

For those of us still in grief/shock over the cancellation of the insanely gory/bloody/goofy/fun Ash. vs. Evil Dead (Starz™ — 2015 to 2018) TV series, now comes a comic book that mashes together Bruce Campbell’s Army of Darkness (1992) character Ash, with his other famous role as Elvis in an old folk’s home going up against an Egyptian mummy in the wildly hilarious Bubba Ho-Tep (2002).

From the Dynamite Entertainment and IDW Publishing press release: “In Army of Darkness/Bubba Ho-Tep, Ash embarks on a soul-searching road trip to Texas on a hunch that Elvis Presley may still be alive and kicking (and supposedly vanquished a mummy)! What follows is a series of universe-spanning events that involve an Elvis jumpsuit with special time-travel abilities, a trip to 70’s Vegas, plus the reveal of an evil new Book of the Dead, the Necronomicon Ho-Tep.”

Hotels should put this in nightstand drawers as this looks to be our new Bible. The first issue of Army of Darkness/Bubba Ho-Tep #1 arrives February 2019. Until then, here are a few now available/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be worthy of a hotel nightstand drawer…

DEAD SQUAD: TEMPLE OF THE UNDEAD (available now)
“A group of young people become lost in the jungle during a river rafting trip and stumble upon a long lost ruin that is home to a host of mysterious monsters.”

Cool — jungle zombies! If the zombies could talk, I bet they’d say lost tourists taste just like a Piña Colada sandwich.

BIRD BOX (December 21, 2018/Netflix™)
“When a mysterious force decimates the world’s population, only one thing is certain: if you see it, you take your life. Facing the unknown, Malorie finds love, hope and a new beginning only for it to unravel. Now she must flee with her two children down a treacherous river to the one place left that may offer sanctuary. But to survive, they’ll have to undertake the perilous two-day journey blindfolded.”

They should’ve called this, “Pin The Tail On The Apocalypse.” Gotta be careful walking around the wastelands with blindfolds on, though; what you think is a hygienic gas station restroom could very well be someone’s front lawn.

REBORN (2018/2019)
“A stillborn baby girl is abducted by a morgue attendant and brought back to life by electrokinetic power. On her sixteenth birthday, she escapes captivity and sets out to find her birth mother, leaving a trail of destruction behind her.”

They’re calling this “Carrie for the Z-Generation.” Wikipedia™ tell us that “most of Generation Z have used the Internet since a young age, and therefore, are generally comfortable with technology and with interacting on social media.” I thought the “Z” stood for “zero”. 

30 MILES FROM NOWHERE (2018/2019)
“Five ex-college buddies return to the summer home of their youth for their scientist friend’s funeral. But mourning turns to terror when they realize their reunion is not at all what it seems.”

I wish I had a scientist friend. He/she could do experiments on me because that seems neat for some reason.