Archive for rat

Vomit-Faced Rat Alien

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 2, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Alien Terminator

Six bio-scientists (hippies in lab coats) are finishing up a two-year experiment in an underground laboratory. The lab — owned by the Earthtek Corporation — is five miles below sewer lines. When somebody farts, it ruins everyone’s day because hey, no windows.

Alien Terminator

One of the scientists/hippies has been synthesizing crystal meth for its “mind-expanding properties.” He uses his expanded mind to traverse the complex DNA genetic project he’s working on, injects it into his science rat and the thing goes berserk.

Alien Terminator

From here on out Alien Terminator (1995) is an Alien (1979) rip-off, with people (two of which are supermodels) searching with guns for the rat, that by now is seven-feet tall and walking on hind legs because chewing on people stimulates its growth hormones. I hear growth hormones pair nicely with Steel Reserve Triple Export Malt Liquor™.

Alien Terminator

The monster looks like a guy in overalls with cotton candy glued to it. Its face appears to be made of dried mud, gum, bottle caps and cigarette butts. (What, no plastic carnival vomit?)

I don’t care how awesome it might be to live underground with two supermodel science hippie chicks, this movie is a big pile of plastic carnival vomit.

Jurassic Rodent

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , on August 25, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Dark

In the generically titled creature feature The Dark (1994), a pro football player-sized prehistoric rat is living in tunnels beneath the cemetery and eating interred bodies by gnawing through the caskets with its fangs of doom. Yummy, if you’re a rat, prehistoric or contemporary. Everyone else, not so much.

The Dark

The rat’s blood has cell tissue healing properties and can be of vast beneficial use to someone. A good guy wants to capture and study it with a microscope and tweezers. A bad guy wants to shoot it in the face. The good guy has been tracking it for years, but has sex with a diner waitress first. The bad guy just wants to shoot it in the face.

The Dark

The cemetery caretaker and his assistant manager in charge of digging happen across the tunnel, call the local authorities (I would’ve called Orkin™, but that’s just me) and encounter Ratus Ratus. The rodent itself is better in idea than in real life; You don’t see it attack humans or eat dead ones. When you do see it in the light deep underground where there are no table lamps but is still lit up anyway, it looks like a homeless version of that giant flying dog in The NeverEnding Story (1984).

The Dark

The overtly cute Neve Campbell cameos as a police officer (she puts the frisk in frisky), and the diner waitress has sex with a guy who just got stabbed, doesn’t know his name or why he’s hunting a giant rat and has a tranquilizer gun filled with some sort of tranquilizer. I usually have to hang out at Social Services to meet awesome chicks like that.

I Dream of Witches

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Scream Queens, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 12, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Dreams In The Witch House

In Dreams In The Witch House (Masters of Horror Series, 2005), Walter Gilman is a grad student working on his thesis of inter-dimensional physics. (Hey Walter – I hear Jack-In-The Box™ is looking for someone with your education.)

Dreams In The Witch House

Walt moves into a really cheap (i.e., slummy) boarding house with a weird old guy downstairs, a fat slob landlord, and a single mom hot chick with a squalling brat who cries even louder when a human-faced rat comes out of the wall and starts to nibble on him. What a cry baby.

Dreams In The Witch House

Walter saves the day by fixing the woman’s hole, but inherits the problem in his room, which just happens to be a gateway for a witch who needs a sacrifice of a child to do more witch-y stuff. Of course, being an “educated” type, Walter doesn’t believe in his nightmares or that talking rodent. The old creepy man downstairs does and tries to warn Walter. Yep, not goin’ there, either.

Dreams In The Witch House

One day the gal asks Walter to baby-sit. Guess he shouldn’t have fallen asleep on the job because the kid was taken by the witch and is in the attic somewhere. Digging his way through the wall like a human-faced rat, Walter, confronted by the Demoness, is forced to give the kid a knife nap. Someone should call the school and tell them Walter won’t be coming back.

And the rat? He has one last thing to do – and it’s double icky gross. Probably not for a rat. But for a human, totally.