Godzilla BFFs, Mutant Babies, Social Media Evil

A couple of new sales posters for the upcoming Godzilla: King of the Monsters (May 31, 2019). One doesn’t suck, one sucks, one is kinda okay. The “doesn’t suck” version, of course, depicts Godzilla choke-holdong it up in a no-holds barred street match with the clearly bigger King Ghidorah.

KH has three heads. Talk about multitasking; he could use one to bite Godzilla in the lunch sac, the second one to surf the Internet for kaiju porn, and the other to binge watch Game of Thrones on Netflix™. I wish I had three heads.

The first trailer for Godzilla: King of the Monsters is pretty badass, showing Rodan (mega huge Pterodactyl), the butterfly-esque Mothra (spokesbug for Raid™) and King G himself, who towers over the already embiggened Godzilla. 

Before you surf for kaiju porn, check out these upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may not require three brains to understand…

CYNTHIA (August 31, 2018 / Limited); September 18, 2018 (VOD/DVD)
Robin and Michael are college sweethearts who have everything — a perfect marriage, adorable cat, a beautiful home. But one thing is missing from this idyllic setting — a baby. After years of fertility treatments their dreams come true when Robin finds out she is pregnant. Is this a dream come true or a nightmare come to life?

Nightmare come to life. That’s what the doctor told my mom when I was born. Maybe he directed this movie. (This remind anyone of It Lives/1978)?

I THINK WE’RE ALONE NOW (September 14/2018-Theaters/September 21, 2019-VOD)
“The apocalypse proves a blessing in disguise for one lucky recluse — until a second survivor arrives with the threat of companionship.”

Leave it to someone to always impose on your personal time. There goes leaving the bathroom door open during personal moments. The apocalypse sucks.

APOSTLE (October 12, 2018)
“London, 1905. Prodigal son Thomas Richardson has returned home, only to learn that his sister is being held for ransom by a religious cult. Determined to get her back at any cost, Thomas travels to the idyllic island where the cult lives under the leadership of the charismatic Prophet Malcolm. As Thomas infiltrates the island’s community, he learns that the corruption of mainland society that they claim to reject has infested the cult’s ranks nonetheless — and uncovers a secret far more evil than he could have imagined.”

What some people call religious cults, I call ‘em the barfly regulars up at the Tug Tavern. They seem to be worshiping the bartender every time I walk in there. Heck, you could call me a cult member with a bar tab. All praise a full glass and a Lyft™ ride home.

E-DEMON (2018)
“On a mission to bring the Devil to Earth, an escaped demon manipulates a group of friends hanging out on a video-chat. Since this ruthless demon can possess multiple people at once, knowing who to trust is the key to survival.”

More tech-savvy stink demons. Suppose you could call them malevolent malware. And you can call E-Demons YET ANOTHER teen sci-fi social media movie. Hit the delete button.

Globally-Warmed Bugs

Thank you global warming for wrecking our planet. And after all we’ve done for you. Because of you, that parasitic infested woolly mammoth has defrosted, and one million (give or take) previously frozen prehistoric flesh-eating bugs have hatched and gotten into human orifices. That’s gratitude for you.

Dr. David Kruipen, an “Earth-first” kind of scientist, discovered the room-temperature mammal meat and its germs and, after watching it infect it’s way through his staff out in the field, decided it probably isn’t a good idea to let said disease get back to civilization. Too bad his estranged college-aged daughter doesn’t listen to him and flies out with several grad students to study infestation up close and, for some, really personal.

Once the little buggers get under your skin, red bumps and open sores show up all over your face and stomach, you itch yourself at socially-inconvenient times, you throw up like it was your first quart of Jagermeister™, you sweat on everything, then you die a horribly painful death, thereby hatching even more bugs. (Note: said crawlers look like the Motorhead version of caterpillars.)

The helicopter pilot discovers he caught the bug and in an “oh, crap” scene, has two people dope him up with morphine (standard research equipment), put a tourniquet just above the goal line, and chop off his infected arm with a meat cleaver (also standard equipment). The two things he needed to happen didn’t quite work out, with the knife getting stuck halfway through the former arm and the discount amputation not getting all of the infection. Sucks to be him.

In order to make the world understand the threat, the good ’old doc infects himself and plans on being the only one evacuated. His reasoning being that, yeah, a few hundred thousand may die, but this is a valuable lesson for us all to stop making the atmosphere so toxic with our SUVs and party flatulence. But the doc’s daughter has a different ending in mind — and it’s just what the doctor didn’t order.

The Thaw (2009), though a decent “bug up your butt” movie, could use a little less moralizing and a bit more meat cleaver. And some Raid™.

That ’50s Giant Spider

Earth vs. The Spider (1958) is classic ’50s giant bug movie, only this time they used a Hollywood spider instead of one of those stuffy off-Broadway insects.

Two teens in love (i.e., horny) wander into the Carlsbad Caverns and happen upon some human skeleton bones and trawler net-sized webbing to capture those needing their flesh removed. With all that love going on, it isn’t long before the giant spider within straps on the food bag. It comes out of hiding and makes a horrendous screeching and sci-fi sound, just like my vacuum cleaner when I try and suck up silverware/robot parts. Unfortunately, they escape unharmed.

Informing the town’s sheriff who thinks the teens are hopped up on goofers (drugs and/or hormones), half the police department is sent to the cave and sees for themselves. Yep – giant spider, just like they hysterically indicated. Much running and screaming at this point. It’s decided to spray the eight-legged tank with some DDT. Personally, I would’ve opted for 700 gallons of Raid™, but hey, their town, their rules.

The spider is thought to be killed after the hosing, so they get the bright idea to haul the carcass back to town and put it in the school’s gymnasium. How they got it through the doors only the principal can say.

The students aren’t that impressed with a giant dead spider in their school and set about having a sock hop dance with a wild band playing what would later become hippie music. The crunchy grooves and gyrating pelvises wake up the spider and it’s time to do some grocery shopping.

With much fanfare the spider makes its way back to the cave where officials (rednecks with guns) seal the arachnid hole with dynamite. Aw, geez – the same two teens are trapped inside with the beast, who by now has snack-man fever. (Hey kids, get a room, for crying out loud.)

An easily implementable plan is devised to drill through the top of the caverns, snake long wires attached to a utility pole outside, get on either side of the spider with hand-held electrons and zap that multi-legged suck face, thereby rescuing the drill-seeking teenagers.

Thankfully, someone had the sense to wear rubber gloves before turning on the juice, or Spidey would’ve had himself a nice char-broiled teen burger dinner. And the kids? Why, they became your parents. I thought you knew that.