Space Virus and Yogurt

The Mir space station intercepts an alien hitchhiker in the guise of electric energy, and thinking it’s a lunar text message, mistakenly transmits said life-form to a satellite-tracking ship on this toilet earth. There it wipes out the Ruskies and their brewskis. Harshness abounds.

Meanwhile, a tugboat is tugging a precious cargo (beer, I theorize) across the ocean through a pissed off typhoon. Seeking shelter in the eye of the surly storm, the tug happens across the Russian boat. With salvage in mind to recoup their uninsured losses, the crew (with Jamie Lee Curtis as navigator) board the blood vessel and discover plentiful seagoing wrongness. I had no idea Jamie Lee Curtis knew how to navigate the ocean in addition to being a yogurt spokesperson. What a talent!

The alien is harvesting humans for usable parts (thirst buds) and creating a new half-machine/half-human species, not unlike a certain Borg. Just a typically standard “thing-onboard-trying-to-get-humans” plot. The effects, however, are outstandingly cool, exemplified with Donald Sutherland as the captain discovering the human rebuilding process (a sort of Radio Shack™ meets Black Angus™) while attempting to make a deal with the head mecha-monster that regards Earthers as germs with pants (hence, Virus/1998 the movie’s clever title).

Creative use of gore and limbs and Duracell™ batteries, but due to glaring lack of nudity, a so-so sci-fi flick with a yogurt covered ending at best.

Martian God

Using Radio Shack’s™ new hydrogen valve, an American scientist manages to get a radio signal to Mars and receives transmissions back that the Red Planet is way more awesome than Earth. My own experiments confirm this.

The Martians explain, via math language, that they’ve overcome fuel, food and health problems with their advanced technology. This causes Earth’s entire economic system to collapse. Why employ people when the Martians can supply us with technology that does the trick for a fraction of the cost? Thanks a lot, Mr. Science.

But high in the Andes is a German scientist living like a hermit with the exact same radio transmitter. He was the one who invented the hydrogen valve, and he’s using his version to advance Russian interests in world domination by “listening” in on the interplanetary conversations.

The Russians are gleeful. Having been unsuccessful in defeating the U.S. in everything but chess, they’re wringing their hands over the financial meltdown, which is bringing everything to a screeching halt and… Wait a minute – that’s not Mars talking, it’s the Russians answering back, giving us erroneous information, which is causing everyone to freak. Pretty smarty pants when you think about it.

Meanwhile, the Nazi scientist effortlessly manages to get out of the Andes before an avalanche wipes out his stylish slum hut, get on a plane to America, and sneak into the American scientist’s military-guarded house, all to take credit for single-handedly crushing the United States through simple deception.

But while he’s there, one more transmission comes through. The “Martians” send an incomplete final cryptic message that implies that God is talking to them. The message goes out and the world calms the heck down. But not before the Nazi, usurped by The Lord, gets in the last word. And speaking of last words, the President addresses the nation and it’s all but a propaganda speech for organized religion.

Not surprised the Martians are Christians, but I am visibly shocked the hokey Red Planet Mars (1952) didn’t come with a collection plate.

Robots Don’t Heart Humans

In the future where dirt burns and pollution makes your nose and eyes runny, you’ll live in a city encased in a big glass bubble to keep the stink air out. The area outside – a parking lot wasteland – is patrolled by Matrix-esque flying machine probes that shoot spiky knives into your pillowy human flesh.

While androids are generally used to do the crap work humans don’t wanna get off the couch to do (“Yo, Terminator – get me another future beer…”), the uppity machines are secretly working on a way to take over the bubble and eliminate the stink humans. They’re doing this by removing human brain juice and syncing it up with android juice to create the perfect android. (If human anything is involved, not much perfect.)

Robots want to kill off the humans so that they can use their parts and become human themselves. I call this the Radio Shack Gone Wild theory.

The plot of Android Apocalypse (2006) samples shamelessly from The Fortress (1992), the blood is green (kind of a luminous avocado), WWE™ superstar Chris Jericho punches faces, and the fight scenes (see “Chris Jericho”) somewhat joyful. The only female android, however, does not take off her mecha-blouse.

Sci-fi has become so watered down these days.