Archive for Queen Kong

Extraterrestrial Hooptie

Posted in Aliens, Godzilla, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 17, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Arrival

Two trailers and four international ad posters were just released to honk the marketing horn on the upcoming big-budget sci-fi alien invasion movie, Arrival (November 11, 2016). I’m giddy in anticipation, although a bit disappointed in the Uber™ the extraterrestrials use to get to this toilet Earth.

Arrival

Not resembling what we’re used to seeing as a UFO, this spacecraft looks like a giant black potato chip, possible a Pringle™. Or is it Queen Kong’s diaphragm? Or Godzilla’s heel pad to help relieve his nagging plantar fasciitis, a painful condition a result of decades of stepping on sharp edged buildings/screaming citizens? Or perhaps one of those Julep Konjac Cleansing Sponges™ you can get on QVC.com for $12?

Konjac Cleansing SpongeWhile you mull these propositions, here’s what Arrival wants us to buy into…

“When mysterious spacecraft touch down across the globe, an elite team – led by expert linguist Louise Banks – is brought together to investigate. As mankind teeters on the verge of global war, Banks and the team race against time for answers – and to find them, she will take a chance that could threaten her life and quite possibly humanity.”

Arrival

Man, that’s a weak press blurb. How can you address the arrival of aliens without even once mentioning probing? I think the movie’s marketing team needs to do a bit more homework. I suggest starting in the locker room of the YMCA.

District 9

As alien spacecraft go, I’m voting for the one in District 9 (2009). Man, I’d trade my car for one of those sweet rides.

Queen Kong: Jungle Skank

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 5, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Queen Kong

If you feel life is not precious then go ahead and waste an hour and a half of it watching Queen Kong (1976). Yeah, something that dumb can only be a comedy spoof. If only it were funny. But I’ll tell you whose laughing – the attorneys for King Kong, who got this thing tied to a sacrificial altar due to copyright squeezings brought on by King Kong (1976)/King Kong Lives (1986) producer Dino De Laurentiis. How do you them bananas?

Queen Kong

While it only got limited release Italy and Germany, Queen Kong is so painfully painful, it’s doubtful Queen Kong would’ve had an impact on her male counterpart. They took the story and flipped genders, with the strangle-worthy British lead male in the role of Ray Fay (groan) being sacrificed to Queen Kong, who falls in love with the twit and let’s her affection get her caught and imported to London to wiggle her chain-linked boobs for profit.

Queen Kong

If the effects, which are anything but special, have you throwing fruit at your TV (it’s not your magic viewing box’s fault), the acting – mostly hot chicks in bikinis – and the dialogue that induces reverse-eating. Example: The supermodel tribe leader chick only speaks in jungle-ese and says stuff like “Unga bunga, wanga banga.” Sounds like a Ted Nugent song.

Queen Kong

Even with QK battling a giant paper mache dinosaur, it’s the sissy boy Ray Fay whose arrogant preening makes you wanna see a giant primate step on him. Endless shrieking and bragging, this idiot looks like one of the Herman’s Hermits and says stuff like, “You can’t eat me! I’m Jewish! I’m Irish! I’m black! I’m a leper! I’m a Jewish black Irish leper!” The death penalty would be too lenient.

Pluses: Dozens of hot chicks in bikinis. Minuses: The rest of the movie.

Queen Kong

Long Live The King

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on January 4, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

King Kong Lives

At the end of the 1976 remake of King Kong, our fuzzy yet misunderstood hero, is air-conditioned by military gunfire and falls 110 stories off the top of the World Trade Center to his fate, which would be the sidewalk. The end. Or is it?

King Kong Lives

In King Kong Lives (1986) they somehow managed to get Kong’s still leaking body on a truck and transported to a Georgia medical facility. Long way to go (921.1 miles) while Triple AAA-ing a giant dying ape. It’s there they’ve been keeping Kong alive. Not building-crushing alive, more like “scratching your balls in your sleep” alive. And they’ve been doing this for 10 years!

King Kong Lives

Dr. Amy Franklin, Kong’s PCP, comes to the inevitable conclusion that the King needs a heart transplant OR HE’LL DIE. Um, isn’t that what we spent so much money trying to make Kong do when he was wrecking stuff all those years ago? Fortunately, somebody financed an artificial heart, the very same one hanging from a non-sterile crane out in the parking lot.

King Kong Lives

Kong needs blood, though, in order to facilitate this monster-heart operation. But where in the stinkin’ heck are they gonna find… Wait, someone found a compatible donor! She lives in Borneo, has really hairy boobs and is the size of three coconut trees built on top of each other. And her name is…QUEEN KONG.

King Kong Lives

Once they finish the operation and sew him back up, love is in the air. So Kong and Queen bust out and head for a place called Honeymoon Hills (I’m totally not making that up, although I wish I had) to engage in some super-sized hot monkey love. That’s really hard to watch without throwing up in someone’s mouth.

King Kong Lives

Once the military learns Kong is on the loose, they reload their guns and go after the large lovers. Nice time for Kong’s pacemaker battery to start to run low. At least he got in a little primate’n before the Army starts shootin’ at the walls of heartache bang, bang.

King Kong Lives

Several serious questions: Who besides me came up with the idea for this sequel? How come I wasn’t asked to star in it? Hollywood seems hell-bent in testing my patience.