Undead Tribute, Get To Know Bigfoot, Death Personified

As hardcore The Walking Dead fans have burned into their iCalendars™, the 100th episode — and season eight AMC™ opener — happens on Sunday, October 22, 20017. (And you thought the total eclipse was worth watching.)

To celebrate/commemorate, TWD episode director/ makeup effects master Greg Nicotero teamed up with his insanity talented KNB FX design team to whip up some tasty tribute posters, all in the style of one of the coolest horror shows ever on TV. Included with the above slick tribute to Alien is zombie/star character homages to Back to the Future, The Thing, Thunderball and The Omega Man. Pretty swear word cool. (You can find them all by following Greg on Instagram™.)

As the countdown to The Walking Dead marches on, here are a few just released/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that probably stole their ideas from all of the above…

ZOMBIES (available now/VOD/Limited – October 31, 2017/DVD)
“When the world is in shambles, plagued by a zombie outbreak, only the strong will survive, but just how much determination will it take? Will Luke and his crew have enough ambition and ammunition to outlive the undead?”

The title and plot should tell you how high they set the bar for themselves. This is so stock, it should be sold in grocery stores next to canned soup and frozen TV dinners.

DEATH ON SCENIC DRIVE (September 30, 3017/Hard Line Film Festival/Germany)
“During the cold winter months at a secluded countryside home, a young woman named Larissa encounters an entity that transforms her into Death itself. She reins violence against Dallas Henson and the family that resides there.”

Not sure why this one is being premiered in Germany when it’s Canadian-made. Bloody-Disgusting.com says Death On Scenic Drive is a “Gothic filled with gore, madness, weirdness, satanism and screeching, squelching music.” Sounds just like my upstairs neighbors on any given week night.

DISCOVERING BIGFOOT (October 27, 2017/VOD/Limited)
“What we think we know of human origins and evolution is about to change forever as we discover the truth about a species that has remained elusive by outwitting and evading modern man for decades despite his best efforts. Journey into the heart of Sasquatch Country and experience three incredible days in the field with Bigfoot experts. This unprecedented feature film includes extraordinary never before seen Sasquatch footage that will shock the world. Witness a terrifying altercation between Sasquatch Researcher Todd Standing and three Sasquatch creatures in the wild.”

The trailer for this documentary purports to show “indisputable” photographic/video evidence of Bigfoot, and even go so far as to include a few snippets of said proof. I’m convinced — and you’re talkin’ to a guy who stands in line at the Puyallup Fair to get an autograph and a picture with a guy in a Bigfoot suit handing out hot tub clearance sale flyers. Say what you will about the mythical wood ape — that guy can sell ice cubes to an eskimo.

THE PURGE: ISLAND (July 4, 2018)
“The Purge: Island is a prequel that will focus on the events that lead up to the very first Purge event, an experimental test on Staten Island.”

Cool, but I can’t wait for The Purge: Outer Space. In that one we get carte blanche to go all probe-y on those invasive aliens. They won’t know what violated their swimsuit/spacesuit area. Payback’s a b*tch, space b*tches — ha!

Nightclub Zombies, Overweight Sharks, Toilet Paper-less Apes

Ahhh — nearing vacation time, the few days out of the year I get to lay around and watch horror movies around the clock — but in a different city! It somehow makes the movies more exciting.

Speaking of exciting, here are some upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that’ll be thrilling or not — in any city…

IBIZA UNDEAD (available now (UK)(DVD) releasing 2017/2018 (US)
“Three best friends —Alex, Az and Jim — head to Ibiza for their first lad’s holiday. Unfortunately for them, tagging along is Alex’s unimpressed ex-girlfriend Ellie. Arriving in Ibiza, the lads dump Ellie with Alex’s sister Liz, and her friend Zara, and head to San Antonio to start their week of debauchery. Soon they end up in a San Antonio club, run by local gangster Karl, where the attractions aren’t all alive — in fact they’re zombies! Due to Jim’s antics, the zombies escape, and soon all hell breaks loose and no one on the party island is safe.”

Karl’s a gangster? The heck you say. I knew he owned zombies, but geez, he breaks the law? That’s the last time I go to his club. Hey Karl — your bathrooms smell like rotting flesh! (To be fair, most San Antonio bars smell like decomposed skin suits.)

MEG (August 18, 2018)
A deep-sea submersible — part of an international undersea observation program — has been attacked by a massive creature previously thought to be extinct, and now lies disabled at the bottom of the deepest trench in the Pacific — with its crew trapped inside. With time running out, expert deep sea rescue diver Jonas Taylor is recruited by a visionary Chinese oceanographer, against the wishes of his daughter Suyin, to save the crew — and the ocean itself — from this unstoppable threat: a pre-historic 75-foot-long shark known as the Megalodon.”

The biggest shark currently polluting our oceans is the Whale Shark, tipping the fish scales at 41,000 pounds (or “lbs”). That it doesn’t eat swimmers/surfers/spring breakers means its a toothless vegan Democrat.

But at 75 feet long and probably one billion pounds in weight, the Megalodon makes the Whale Shark look like one of those freshness-expired goldfish you win at the Puyallup Fair for throwing ping pong balls at bowling pins. Wonder what Mega-Shark (2009) thinks about the new Carcharodon carcharias on the block?

THE STRANGERS 2 (2018)
“A family’s road trip takes a turn when they arrive at a secluded mobile home park and after the power goes out they decide to hunker down for the night in a borrowed trailer. Under the cover of darkness, three familiar masked psychopaths pay them a visit to test their every limit.”

Aside from a different locale, The Strangers 2 doesn’t even try to expand on the one-note plot of The Strangers (2008), wherein a small group of killers stalk and then stab two people alone in a house. (So much for calling it a “living” room.) They should just title this movie, Lather, Rinse, Repeat.

WAR FOR THE PLANET OF THE APES (July 14, 2017)/GODZILLA: MONSTER PLANET (November 2017)
Yes, I’ve already e-barfed about both these movies prior. But these are NEW POSTERS people. That’s gotta stand for something. As the 10 billion people (give or take) who regularly read this blog know, I’m a lollipop-wrapped sucker for movie art. I blame this on my early-age diet of comic books and undiagnosed illiteracy.

In War for the Planet of the Apes, armies of monkeys fling poo at their human adversaries. (Don’t get it in your eyes, fellas.) In Godzilla: Monster Planet (anime), Godzilla “marks his territory” over the entire world. Advice: buy wading boots that go up to your neck. And don’t let any get in your eyes.

Saddle Splatter

Scheduled for release on March 1, 2016, the titled and re-titled Kill Or Be Killed is being described as a “gore western.” Never heard that term before, but I have to say, I double like it.

Usually movies that start out with a title and end having it changed three times is a red flag. (Kill Or Be Killed began as Red On Yella and then Kill A Fella, neither working on any level for a horror movie, not that the painfully generic Kill Or Be Killed is any better.) But when it features horror legend Michael Berryman, it’s game on.

Here’s what will rattle your saddle: “In the autumn of 1900, outlaw Claude “Sweet Tooth” Barbee puts his ‘retirement plan’ in action, attempting to lead his train-robbing gang across Texas to recover a cash stash hidden after a botched railroad heist. They soon discover they’re being hunted by more than just the law – but rather a merciless, unexpected evil quite possibly greater than themselves.

They had me at “Sweet Tooth.” Beyond that, Kill Or be Killed kinda sounds like a cowboy spin on Predator (1987) or some satanic demon dude. Mind you, I’m just extrapolating here. But regardless of how potentially right/not right I may be, looking forward to this one as I admire outlaws who can ride horses without falling off. With that, I have a score to settle with that stupid merry-go-round horse that bucked me off at the Puyallup Fair last summer. I’m calling you out, you painted pile of plywood.

P.S. Don’t confuse this Kill Or Be Killed with the 1980 karate punchfest of the same name, or the 1950 movie featuring a wrongly accused of murder guy on the run in South American jungle, or the 1966 Italian western of a gunslinger sticking his barrel between two feuding families, or the 1993 action thriller about  two brothers and a drug empire. (Spoiler: One’s a criminal.)

None of those had merry-go-rounds in ’em.