Archive for psychopaths

Alien-Fearing Hicks, Upside Down Monsters, Sci-Fi Puppets

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Misc. Horror, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 11, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Brave New Jersey

Recently cleaned out the fridge and am sad to report that all my “science experiments” were epic fails. (I thought egg salad, if left in a controlled climate environment for seven months, would turn to some sort of miracle lip balm and/or car polish, thereby making me wealthy rich.)

Crossing fingers that those potatoes I stored last year in the back of a lower cupboard that hurts my back to reach will have better results, as I really, really need to be wealthy rich.

Speaking of things that could go south, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi and fantasy movies that make or may not stink up most of your apartment building, prompting neighbors to call the police, thinking somebody died…

BRAVE NEW JERSEY (August 4, 2017)
“In 1938, the residents of a small town in New Jersey react in various forms of panic after listening to Orson Welles’ radio broadcast rendition of H.G. Wells’ War of the Worlds.”

This one always cracks me up. People back then listening to the radio play of War of the Worlds thinkin’ it was a real alien invasion and crapping their suspendered farm pants sideways. Always loved Orson Wells’ TV interview later where he looked visibly shaken and dumbfounded that people took his radio show literally. When the cameras turned off, Wells probably went into the men’s room, sparked a fatty and laughed his ass off. As well he should have.

Stranger Things 2

STRANGER THINGS 2 (Oct. 27, 2017)
“It’s 1984 and the citizens of Hawkins, Indiana are still reeling from the horrors of the Demogorgon and the secrets of Hawkins Lab. Will Byers has been rescued from the Upside Down but a bigger, sinister entity still threatens those who survived.”

The first season of Stranger Things (2016) was a surprise mind-blower and became the left-field mega hit of the year. This means Stranger Things 2 — if they don’t screw it up — could be even bigger and should fulfill your daily recommended allowance of Demogorgons.

Ghastlies

GHASTLIES (November 11, 2017)
“Three sorority sisters plan an initiation for their nerdy friend during a weekend getaway. Things don’t go exactly as planned when they accidentally stumble upon a craft containing a trio of extraterrestrial ghastly ghouls. Armed with only their boyfriends and brains, they resolve to send these pint-sized gatecrashers back to the edge of the universe — or die trying.”

I like the “or die trying” part, though by telling us the sorority sisters are armed only with their boyfriends and brains, clearly they’re missing the bigger picture here. They have everything they need stuffed under their shirts to take down the aliens. Just ask their boyfriends.

Psychopaths

PSYCHOPATHS (2017/2018)
“Several psychopaths wreak havoc over the course of a violent evening.”

This one gets the most economic press release award of the year. Eleven words that sum up not only the movie, but last call at the Tug Inn or “tavern” (1.5 miles from where I’m currently busking for bit coins). Normally, I’d give that reference prop to The Poggie Tavern, but since they cleaned it up, it’s no longer a toxic, biological disaster dive bar. Still smells like cigarette smoke, though — from 10 years ago.

Nightclub Zombies, Overweight Sharks, Toilet Paper-less Apes

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Sharks, Slashers, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 17, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Ibiza Undead

Ahhh — nearing vacation time, the few days out of the year I get to lay around and watch horror movies around the clock — but in a different city! It somehow makes the movies more exciting.

Speaking of exciting, here are some upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that’ll be thrilling or not — in any city…

IBIZA UNDEAD (available now (UK)(DVD) releasing 2017/2018 (US)
“Three best friends —Alex, Az and Jim — head to Ibiza for their first lad’s holiday. Unfortunately for them, tagging along is Alex’s unimpressed ex-girlfriend Ellie. Arriving in Ibiza, the lads dump Ellie with Alex’s sister Liz, and her friend Zara, and head to San Antonio to start their week of debauchery. Soon they end up in a San Antonio club, run by local gangster Karl, where the attractions aren’t all alive — in fact they’re zombies! Due to Jim’s antics, the zombies escape, and soon all hell breaks loose and no one on the party island is safe.”

Karl’s a gangster? The heck you say. I knew he owned zombies, but geez, he breaks the law? That’s the last time I go to his club. Hey Karl — your bathrooms smell like rotting flesh! (To be fair, most San Antonio bars smell like decomposed skin suits.)

Meg

MEG (August 18, 2018)
A deep-sea submersible — part of an international undersea observation program — has been attacked by a massive creature previously thought to be extinct, and now lies disabled at the bottom of the deepest trench in the Pacific — with its crew trapped inside. With time running out, expert deep sea rescue diver Jonas Taylor is recruited by a visionary Chinese oceanographer, against the wishes of his daughter Suyin, to save the crew — and the ocean itself — from this unstoppable threat: a pre-historic 75-foot-long shark known as the Megalodon.”

Meg

The biggest shark currently polluting our oceans is the Whale Shark, tipping the fish scales at 41,000 pounds (or “lbs”). That it doesn’t eat swimmers/surfers/spring breakers means its a toothless vegan Democrat.

But at 75 feet long and probably one billion pounds in weight, the Megalodon makes the Whale Shark look like one of those freshness-expired goldfish you win at the Puyallup Fair for throwing ping pong balls at bowling pins. Wonder what Mega-Shark (2009) thinks about the new Carcharodon carcharias on the block?

The Strangers 2

THE STRANGERS 2 (2018)
“A family’s road trip takes a turn when they arrive at a secluded mobile home park and after the power goes out they decide to hunker down for the night in a borrowed trailer. Under the cover of darkness, three familiar masked psychopaths pay them a visit to test their every limit.”

Aside from a different locale, The Strangers 2 doesn’t even try to expand on the one-note plot of The Strangers (2008), wherein a small group of killers stalk and then stab two people alone in a house. (So much for calling it a “living” room.) They should just title this movie, Lather, Rinse, Repeat.

War for the Planet of the Apes / Godzilla: Monster Planet

WAR FOR THE PLANET OF THE APES (July 14, 2017)/GODZILLA: MONSTER PLANET (November 2017)
Yes, I’ve already e-barfed about both these movies prior. But these are NEW POSTERS people. That’s gotta stand for something. As the 10 billion people (give or take) who regularly read this blog know, I’m a lollipop-wrapped sucker for movie art. I blame this on my early-age diet of comic books and undiagnosed illiteracy.

In War for the Planet of the Apes, armies of monkeys fling poo at their human adversaries. (Don’t get it in your eyes, fellas.) In Godzilla: Monster Planet (anime), Godzilla “marks his territory” over the entire world. Advice: buy wading boots that go up to your neck. And don’t let any get in your eyes.

Teen Exorcisms, Tall Phantoms, Big Pigs

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Slashers, TV Vixens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 22, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

American Exorcism

Finished binge watching the third season of From Dusk Till Dawn: The Series (2014 – 2017) and the Gecko Brothers locked horns with the Queen of Hell. Gotta say, in human form, she’s quite the looker. But in demon shape she has black/blue lava textured skin, well-flossed snake fangs, Predator hair and a dress Morticia Addams would kill for. Not seeing how she differs from all the other gals at the bowling alley, though.

Speaking of things not that different, here’s a pile of upcoming horror that you’ve seen before, whether you bowl or not…

AMERICAN EXORCIST (May 2, 2017 / VOD — August 1, 2017/DVD)
Damon Richter thought he left the world of possessions, exorcisms and evil behind until an old friend arrives with frightening information about his estranged daughter knowing that only his otherworldly skills can save her.”

The possessed teen is probably just going through puberty, in which case, we’re ALL doomed. Dude, just sprinkle anything labeled Clinique around the house, buy her an iPhone™ and NEVER come into her room without knocking, lest ye be damned.

Even Lambs Have Teeth

EVEN LAMBS HAVE TEETH (May 2, 2017)
“Dreaming of a trip to NYC, the beautiful Sloane and Katie leave for the countryside to earn money working on an organic farm. But on the way they are kidnapped and abused by a sinister family of small-town psychopaths. When the girls finally escape, they decide to return to the scene of the crime and settle the score. It’s not pretty.”

So organic farm hippie chicks have a streak for revenge. How do they think they’re gonna do that — make their torturers eat canned vegetables loaded with GMOs? As for small town psychopaths, aren’t they pretty much in every small town? This is what happens to society when you have no 7-Eleven™ or Starbucks™ within impulsive spitting distance.

Tall Men

TALL MEN (May 9, 2017)
“Terrence Mackleby claims bankruptcy after being over $80,000 in debt. His private world is turned upside down when Terrence is visited by strange demons and tall phantoms in business suits after he applies for a mysterious black credit card, in this nightmarish Holbrookian vision.”

This one used to be called Customer 152. I like Tall Men slightly better, though said height gifted men look like Slenderman’s neighbors. So demons and phantoms wear business suits to work. I guess casual Fridays don’t apply in other dimensions.

Boar

BOAR (2017)
Boar showcases the harsh and beautiful Australian landscape. Lurking within this picturesque setting is a dark and terrifying threat — a beast of staggering size with an uncontrollable desire for blood and destruction. Driven by its insatiable appetite for carnage, it defends its territory with brutal force and savagely takes on any who get in its way.”

With a press release this generic, all you have to do is swap out the title to Razorback (1984), Pighunt (2008), Chaw (aka, Chawz, 2009), Hogzilla (2014). But you’d already know that if you read my preview of this one back in November 4, 2015 (And it still doesn’t have a specific release date, but sometime in 2017.) I’ll re-state it: they should change the movie’s name to Bore.

Rearview

REARVIEW (2017/2018)
“Nicky is a young woman traveling alone to meet her band mates — through the back roads of the British countryside — who escapes the clutches of a dangerous stranger. Her road trip soon turns from bad to worse as she finds herself running for her life as she attempts to escape a serial killer and the hordes of predatory locals in the area known as ‘The Highway of Tears’.”

This one smells like 1986’s The Hitcher. Hope she’s the singer of the band. Can you imagine if she was the drummer? Hauling a drumset around the British countryside, let alone from the band van to the backstage door, is a royal pain in the tom tom.

Horror Massacre’d

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Slashers, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 31, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

The suggestive noun “massacre” – a 1580s, French word meaning “wholesale slaughter, carnage” – first got its Broadway movie marquee worthy start in 1974 with The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Few, if any horror movies, has ever had a better title. You didn’t even need to see it as the name said it all and gave you nightmares in your pants.

Horror Massacre

This set off a series of horror movies using that highly marketable buzzword, including The Slumber Party Massacre (1982), Sorority House Massacre (1986), Nail Gun Massacre (1985), Swingers Massacre (1975), Drive-in Massacre (1977), and my fav, Reykjavik Whale Watching Massacre (aka, Harpoon/2009). P.S. No whales were massacred during the filming of said movie – just endangered people.

Now, because it just seems right, “massacre” is making a comeback, despite the evening news tarnishing its reputation. Three new horror movies – Garden Party Massacre, The Funhouse Massacre and Sheborg Massacre, all have imminent release dates as it pertains to the calendar you’re looking at on your smartass phone.

Here’s press release sales pitches as to why you might let these movies massacre your wallet…

Garden Party Massacre

GARDEN PARTY MASSACRE
A fast-paced, hilarious romp in the vein of Shaun of the Dead (2004) and Tucker and Dale vs. Evil (2010), telling the tale of a backyard gathering of friends that goes horribly awry when an unexpected guest arrives. With a pickax. And an attitude.

The Funhouse Massacre

THE FUNHOUSE MASSACRE
Six of the worlds scariest psychopaths escape from a local asylum and proceed to unleash terror on the unsuspecting crowd of a Halloween Funhouse whose themed mazes are inspired by their various reigns of terror.

Sheborg Massacre

SHEBORG MASSACRE
When an alien fugitive crash lands into a local puppy farm and begins turning people into machines that feed on puppy flesh, Dylan – a self styled tough girl and punk activist — has to decide if she believes in any cause enough to risk her life, take on the SheBorg menace, and save the world.

Daily News

All three sound pretty cool. Doubtful they’ll instill as much horifying impact as the evening news, though. Thanks, mainstream media, for desensitizing me. Now all I do is laugh when watching horror movies. We weren’t supposed to do that.