Hooker Horror, Goat Gore, Strange Children

The dark comedy cult horror hit, Frankenhooker came out in 1990. Sporting one of the best movie titles ever in the history of ever, you can now, for the first time in three decades, get officially-licensed Frankenhooker merch from one of the best horror swag sites, Fright-Rags.com. They’re featuring five different shirt designs and even Frankenhooker socks, because why not?

You say you haven’t seen Frankenhooker? Here’s the detailings: “Jeffrey Franken, a medical student, sets out to recreate his decapitated fiancée by building her a new body made of New York prostitutes.” Best. Plot. Ever. So how did his fiancée get decapitated? A lawnmower. How did he get the body parts from the NY prostitutes? Giving them super-crack to smoke, which made them explode. (One of the funniest scenes is when Zorro, their pimp, gets knocked out by a flying hooker head that just blew off.) They just don’t make ‘em like this anymore.

So while you rent the movie and click on over to Fright-Rags to get some cool Frankenhooker adornments (buy ’em), here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make you wanna get a lawnmower haircut…

GOATMAN / Out now (VOD)

“A news reporter and her crew investigating the legend of Goatman in a dense forest find themselves in danger, and getting a bigger story than any of them could imagine.”

Wonder if Goatman’s first name is Billy?

DARKEST OF LIES / Out now (VOD)

“Army vet Travis reluctantly follows his wife Rochelle to the West Coast after she lands a life-changing job. Living with the scars of war, and waning off an opioid addiction, he struggles to find a sense of belonging in the couple’s new home. However, his best efforts are thwarted by an onset of horrifying hallucinations and dark visions.”

Then Travis better not go to the Tug Tavern for Horrifying Hallucinations ’n Dark Visions Night: a keg of freshness-expired Steel Reserve™ is $1.00 a pint until the first person goes to the bathroom. Then it’s .50 cents.

SEIRE / June 16, 2023 (VOD)

“Woojin, who has just became the father of a newborn baby, hears that Seyoung, whom he had once dated, has died. He goes to her funeral without telling his wife, and comes across Yeyoung, Seoyung’s twin sister. Following this encounter, Woojin and his family experience a series of horrific misfortunes.”

The first horrific misfortune was being named “Woojin.”

VIOLETT / Pending release 2023 (VOD)

“A series of strange child disappearances have left the rural town of Miles in a state of disbelief. Shadows of grief reverberate through the streets and into a silenced home, where sick mother Sonya fears unspeakable evil will soon snatch her 11-year-old daughter Violett. Disconnected from her husband, Sonya’s paranoia forms the dregs of a once troubled childhood which threatens her sanity and the things she loves most. As bizarre visions and disturbing characters from the neighborhood emerge, Sonya is about to discover more than just one grisly truth.”

Strange children disappearing? Um, they need to change that sentence to “strange disappearances of children” so I can get back to my bizarre visions. 

Birth of the Wolf Man

One would think the origins of a werewolf would be more biblically epic than just a feral kid being brought up by stink wolves. (So did they make him go to his den after back barking?) But that’s the base premise of Legend of the Werewolf (1975), a well-intentioned although semi-meaninful pile of wet fur of a horror movie.

A traveling circus circa 19th Century happens across the ankle/throat biter on the side of the road and decides to make him their featured attraction as the “Wolf Boy.” And since he’s under age, they don’t have to pay him. But they do have to give him a name: Etoile. I don’t know how to pronounce that. Regardless, it translates as “Star.” I like Etoile better.

As Ety grows up, he kills circus employees when the moon is full. This expectedly gets him fired. Amazingly/ironically, the young man finds a job as a zoo keeper in Paris. And you know what’s next to the zoo? A brothel! Monkeys and hookers – Etoile just hit the jackpot.

Though he’s only known the life of showbiz, Etoile is naive in the ways of the world, and falls in love with Christine, one of the prostitutes, or “talonneurs.” Good thing: Etoile doesn’t know what Christine does for a living. Bad thing: Etoile finds out what Christine does for a living.

After witnessing Christine working the night shift, Etoile goes crazy jealous mad under the full moon and rips her client to dead shreds. This is not a good business model for Christine’s public service job, who also rebuffs his marriage proposal.

Meanwhile, a forensic surgeon examining Etoile’s road kill, puts together enough clues to land the tantrum prone wolf man in the dog house with the law.

Eventually cornered towards the end of one hour and twenty-six minutes, Etoile gets his bestiality on and turns into a white werewolf instead of the preferred dark brown or black variety. It’s here Etoile is shot right in the underground sewer by police officers with prominent facial hair. I find that to be tragically ironic.

It should be noted that Etoile can speak human while in wolf form, and seems repentant for his hairy behavior. A bullet to the back is his accepted apology. Only thing left Christine to do is clock in, change into her work clothes and get back to laying down on the job.

Time Traveling Hookers

Timegate: Tales of the Saddletramps (1999) a loose interpretation of sci-fi, finds two restlessly horny wives whose attempts at seduction with their workaholic hubbies fall on limp sheets.

Conveniently, they discover a magic mirror that transports them back 100 years to the Old West where they find they’re new recruits at a bordello. (The script writers must be paid in Ferraris.)

“But Grace…we’re prostitutes!” frets horny girl #1.“I know – don’t you just love it?” giggles horny gal #2. If there’s a plot that outlines the rest of the movie, I haven’t found it. The plentiful boobs are visually tasty, but tragically the sex scenes are all but Disney-esque.

Rent Saddletramps to get your girlfriend/wife/Old West hooker in the mood without grossing her out. For the rest of us that prefer our sci-fi to be a lot more hardcore, this one stays in the past.