Terror-ible Drinks, Blissful Bigfoot, Hotel Bed Bugs

2 Fingers Social. Sounds like a party for proctologists. If so, pretty funny. But 2 Fingers Social is a bar/restaurant in White Center (aka, Rat City), a quick twerk from West Seattle, the Capitol of Where I Live. And it’s not JUST a bar, but a MOVIE bar.

Sure, any bar can show flicks. But the neighborhood jewel 2 Fingers Social often big screens all manner of horror/sci-fi movies, their tables tops are Hellraiser’s Lament Configuration designs, and they offer savory craft cocktails (i.e., more deluxe than not-craft cocktails), like Suspiria, The Fog and Lestat. Of course they have beer (IPA, Pale, Stout, Porter, Pilsner…but no Budweiser™. Pity. If they only knew how much business they’re losing from ME by not having the King of Beers™.

In addition to all of what was just established (as well as killer promotions augmented by the aforementioned drinkables), you can get hot dogs, tamales, and pizza. (I recommend the face-fulfilling Leather Face and Goblin King pies, because hey, cool names.) And because you need exact GPS coordinates to get there: 2 Fingers Social, 9211 Delridge Way SW, Seattle, WA 98106.

While you use one of your more sociable fingers to hitchhike there, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as much fun as a proctologist party…

BIGFOOT 2 / Out now (VOD)

“In a primeval forest, a biological researcher and her expedition team played life-and-death games with prehistoric crocodiles and mutant giant spiders, and even discovered a mysterious creature that only existed in legends — Bigfoot. Just as everyone was immersed in joy, they did not know the greater danger.”

Can’t tell you how many times I’ve been immersed in joy every time I see Bigfoot. He embodies pure happiness and makes one giddy as a little girl.

THE 100 / Out now (YouTube™)

“A group is quarantined in a hotel that’s home to a giant centipede and its spawn. Fame and Phil, two popular sibling YouTubers, check in to Srichanphen Hotel for a state-mandated fourteen-day quarantine during the height of the pandemic. In the hotel, they encounter strange events.”

As with any two-star motor lodge, they tack on extra for oversized bugs. Not unreasonable.

THE LABYRINTH Out now (YouTube™)

“Subway passengers face off against a giant centipede.”

Funny how they use the term “face off” — guess the first thing the giant centipede orders from the menu that is you?

THE CASE OF DISAPPEARANCES / Out now (YouTube™)

“A beast raids a town resulting in unexplainable murders. But what’s the mystery behind the beast?”

Better call Scooby-Doo…he’s the ONLY ONE who can solve this body-mangling mystery. Just look as his scorecard — Scoob’s never not been able to solve a paranormal puzzle once in over 50 years. He’s the Sherlock Holmes of sleuthing.

Alien Finger, Devil Theater, Robot Santa

E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial, a sugary, family “sci-fi” movie, came out in 1982. The starring the Earth-bound “alien,” designed to sell one million billion toys, looked like a carnival plush toy resembling a turd with big sad eyes. And E.T.’s extra-long probing finger, with a glowing light instead of a fingernail, uncomfortably reminds me of my proctologist, Dr. “Big Finger” Linderman. To quote E.T., “Ouuuuch!”

Now, 40 years later, you can own the actual animatronic metal skeleton they made E.T. with, is up for grabs. Here are the details from Julien’s Auctions and TCM Present: Icons and Idols: Hollywood auction: “Headlining this epic event is the E.T. the Extra Terrestrial Hero ‘#1’ mechatronic filming model ‘actor’ that brought the eponymous character to life in Steven Spielberg’s 1982 classic E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial (estimate: $2,000,000 – $3,000,000). Pre-dating modern CGI technology and effects, this one-of-a-kind cinematographic relic (constructed in 1981) features 85 points of movement and is regarded as an engineering masterpiece.”

While you decide to bid on this item or engineering your own toilet masterpiece, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not give you turd-like sad eyes…

NANNY / November 23, 2022 (Theaters) / December 16, 2022 (Amazon Prime Video™)

“A Senegalese immigrant nanny is working for a privileged couple in NYC. A violent presence invades her reality, threatening the American Dream she is painstakingly piecing together.”

If she’s a nanny, only one thing could be a violent presence — a fully loaded diaper.

DEBBIE AND THE DEVIL / December 9, 2022 (Theaters)

“Sally and Johnny escape a mass shooting and hide out in Mister Red’s (aka, Satan) movie theater where they are shown three horror films, each one involving the Devil’s agents and their victims.”

And Satan even hands out snacks to enjoy during the movie — Red Hots™. Man, that’s comedy gold.

CHRISTMAS BLOODY CHRISTMAS / December 9, 2022 (Theaters, Shudder™)

“It’s Christmas Eve and Tori just wants to get drunk and party. But when a robotic Santa Clause at a nearby toy store goes haywire and begins a rampant killing spree through her small town, she’s forced into a battle for survival.”

Call the plagiarism police — they STOLE this plot from Futurama. Specifically, “Xmas Story,” which had a robot Santa shooting/exploding up the town and anyone in the way of said shooting/exploding. More specifically, Episode 4, Season 2, which aired on December 19, 1999. Television NEVER forgets.

JERUZALEM 2 / January 1, 2023 (Theaters)

“When doomsday happens on their wedding day, a couple in Jerusalem must bring their families together to put aside their cultural differences and battle demons tasked with ridding the Holy City of impure souls.”

I thought a doomsday and a wedding day were the same thing. Heh. That said, the movie poster’s tagline proclaims there are three Gates to Hell: one in the desert, one in the ocean and one in Jerusalem (or “Jeruzalem”). They’re totally forgetting/ignoring the Tug Tavern. So yeah, FOUR Gates to Hell. They need to redo the movie poster.

Cannibals, Evil Hospitals, Murderous Relatives

There’s good news and bad news about this awesome hand-painted poster of the 1981 remake of The Thing. The good news first: It was done by Matthew Peak, the guy who did five Nightmare on Elm Street movie posters. It’s 24”x36” and is hand-numbered and limited to 225 copies for $65.00. (And like my liver, it also glows in the dark.)

The bad news: The poster is already sold out. But check back with the super cool bottleneckgallery.com to see if it’ll be re-issued. You’re welcome. 

So whilst I was on Christmas holiday, a bunch of horror/sci-fi movies were released without my permission. My biggest pet peeve with this blog is when movies slip under my radar. So if they got by you as well, here are a few new ones ready to view-per-pay…

THE HARROWING (available now)
“Haunted by the ritualistic killing of his best friend, a vice detective determined to discover the truth goes undercover into a forensic hospital and is plunged into his own personal hell where demons might be real.”

The demon is really the hospital’s resident proctologist with a really big finger.

BOOK OF EVIL (available now)
“Stan Harris is a procrastinating horror novelist who gets a call from his publisher warning him that he’s only got until the end of the night to complete his latest work. As paranormal events start unfolding around him, Stan finds all new inspiration, and danger, while completing his stories.”

Hey Stan, if you want inspiration for horror stories, meet me at The Tug Tavern — I have such sights to show you.

CANNIBALS AND CARPET FITTERS (available now)
“A group of carpet fitters are sent on a job to an old country house in the middle of nowhere. However they soon discover it’s a trap set up by the savage, cannibalistic family, The Hannings. The carpet fitters are forced to fight for their lives or risk ending up being the evenings dinner. Unfortunately they are not quite your typical heroes!”

Sounds like a British spin on Tucker And Dale Versus Evil (2010). That is not a bad thing. And hey, who doesn’t like British carpet fitters or cannibals, mate?

SOMETIMES AUNT MARTHA DOES DREADFUL THINGS (available now)
“While on the run from the law, two criminals decide to hide out in a small Florida town. The ringleader, Paul, concocts a plan to pretend to be his child-like accomplice Stanley’s estranged Aunt Martha. Taking over a large old house, Paul and Stanley attempt to lay low, but trouble soon arises when a local girl takes a liking to Stanley and invites him out with her friends. Paul, becoming increasingly paranoid, decides that the only way they can maintain their cover is by murdering everyone who has even the slightest suspicion of what’s really going on, but Stanley isn’t so sure he wants to keep on hiding.”

Cool movie title, but yeesh — this plot needs some work. Let’s start by taking out all the characters and improv the rest.

Diva Sharks, Amateur Killers, Possessed Cab Passengers

In advance of the upcoming giant shark movie, The Meg (August 10, 2018), comes a mouthful off Jaws 2 (1978) behind-the-scenes pics that gives shark fans a glimpse behind the bubbles.

In this scene we see “Bruce Two” (the shark, named after director Stephen Spielberg’s lawyer) heavily emoting during the money shot of burning to death after chomping on an underwater electric cable…

In this photo, we see Bruce Two finding his marks and getting ready for his close-ups….

And in this shot, we see Bruce Two getting his makeup touched up in-between human-eating scenes…

While we all wish we looked as good in shark attack selfies, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi dramas/comedies to take your mind off the fact that you’ll never be as photogenic as a shark…

THE HAPPYTIME MURDERS (2018)
“Set in the underbelly of Los Angeles, puppets and humans coexist. Two clashing detectives, one human and one puppet, are forced to work together to try and solve who is brutally murdering the former cast of The Happytime Gang, a beloved classic puppet show.”

A spin on Who Framed Roger Rabbit (1988), wherein humans and cartoon characters coexist. Sounds like present day Congress.

HEAVY TRIP (aka, Hevi Reissu/October 12, 2018/VOD)
“Turo is stuck in a small village in the Finnish countryside where his greatest passion is being the lead vocalist for the amateur metal band Impaled Rektum. The only problem is that he and his fellow headbangers have practiced for 12 years without playing a single gig. But that’s all about to change when the guys meet the promoter of a huge heavy metal music festival in Norway and decide it’s now or never. Hitting the road in a stolen van with a corpse, a coffin, and a new drummer from a local mental hospital in tow, Impaled Rektum travels across Scandinavia to make their dreams a reality.”

I’ve come up with hundreds of heavy metal band names, but Impaled Rektum takes the crown. I bet my proctologist is the lead finger in this band.

KILLER KATE ( October 26, 2018)
“Estranged sisters Kate and Angie haven’t spoken since Angie went to college and left Kate to care for their ailing father. In a show of reconciliation, several years after moving out, Angie invites Kate to her bachelorette party held at a remote house booked on a home-sharing app. The women are unaware that by booking this house, they’re walking into a trap set in motion by a disturbed family of amateur killers.”

Hey disturbed family of AMATEUR killers — practice makes perfect. P.S. Don’t really go out and kill anyone to gain life experience.

LUZ (2018)
“Fleeing from the grasp of a possessed woman, a distressed cabdriver begins a confession in a rundown police station that endangers everyone who crosses her path.”

Um, aren’t most people who ride in cabs possessed in some way or another? I know I am. In fact, whenever I take a Lyft™ after stopping by favorite bar for seven hours, my head spins around, I spew a green vomit substance and I curse as though a somewhat clean crucifix was stuck in my fuzzy wuzzy. (Note to Lyft™ — If I promise to quit doing all of the above in your otherwise clean vehicles, can you lyft the ban?)

Eating Horror With Your Mouth Full

Arriving October 6, 2015, the horror movie Eaters promises to be scary, bloody and blood-curdling. Sounds like just another exam day at the proctologist.

The synopsis is typically uninformative and generic: “Five friends embark on an epic road trip, but when one friend disappears at a rest stop, their search brings them face to face with a violent biker gang. After a narrow escape from death, their nightmare goes from bad to spine-chilling when they find themselves being stalked in an abandoned town.”

Why can’t anyone write compelling press releases? There’s nothing in that copy that compels me to seek out Eaters. Heck, the highly descriptive advertising copy put out by my proctologist had me racing to the phone to schedule an appointment.

The trailer holds more promise, but given the lazy title (another Eaters and The Eaters – retitled Eat Me – came out in 2010) and plot, I’m gonna need a whole lotta beer to convince me to watch it.

Note to filmmakers – contact me via this blog to get my address so you can send me a whole lotta beer. No fancy pants metro beer, either – I want only the good stuff: Budweiser™. In cans, preferabbly chilled. And would it kill you to throw in a bag of Cheetos™?