Horror Games, Sex Games, Ghost Games

Iconic horror author Stephen King is on a hot streak these days, what with a pile of his word books being adapted into movies/remakes (Dark Tower, Gerald’s Game, It) and TV shows (Mr. Mercedes). Heck, even his public Twitter™ war with the President is some of his best work yet.

So leave it up to the clever smarty smarts at Pink Smoke to use this to create Kingo — a Stephen King-themed bingo game. They picked out 24 of the most common tropes/themes/character types found in King’s stories and turned them into the spots on a custom-made Bingo card. Neat!

From the press release: “It’s just like regular BINGO. When you watch a Stephen King film adaptation, TV movie or mini-series, just check-off that trope as it appears. For example: Mary Lambert’s 1989 film of Pet Sematary hits 10 tropes, with a straight line down the middle. That’s a KINGO!”

Coincidentally, “Kingo!” is what I shout out after every Budweiser™ I check off. You can download the Kingo card and play at home. While you’re doing that, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be adapted into Scrabble™…

GHOST WITCH (available now)
“Based on true events. Mattie enlists a group of paranormal investigators to spend the night at the haunted house where she was attacked by an angry spirit as a child, and where a Native American girl was brutally murdered two centuries ago. Once there, they are stalked and possessed as the truth about what happened there is revealed, as they all become unwilling participants in the ghost witch’s plan for vengeance.”

A witch that’s also a ghost? Now that’s some slick multitasking. The plot seems somewhat stock, but hey, when you have angry spirits, what can go wrong?

GERALD’S GAME (September 29, 2017/Netflix™)“When a harmless sex game between a married couple in a remote retreat suddenly becomes a harrowing fight for survival, wife Jessie must confront long-buried demons within her own mind — and possibly lurking in the shadows of her seemingly empty house. Among those she confronts are ghosts from her past and a rabid dog.”

Yep, Stephen King’s 332 page novel about “harmless” sex games and a rabid dog is now a movie. We already know the sex leads to the accidental death of the wife’s hubbie after he handcuffs her to the bed. Oops! Enter Foamy, the rabid dog. (Actually, the dog’s name is Prince, though it should be Cujo.)

DOWNRANGE (2017/2018)
“Six college students are carpooling cross-country when one of their tires blows out on a desolate stretch of country road. Getting out to fix the flat, they quickly discover that this was no accident — the tire was shot out. With their vehicle incapacitated, the group is pinned down and mercilessly attacked by an unseen assailant as they desperately attempt to find a way to escape.”

A cross country road trip with no spare tires? College students be so dumb. As for the unseen assailant, there are better targets, like those graboid worm monsters from Tremors (1990) that come out of the desert dirt, looking to consume unseen assailants.

DOLL MURDER SPREE (2018)
“A group of college students join their teacher for a weekend of filming for extra credit. Documenting the local Hell House that’s haunted by the family who were murdered there. Little do they know they would be trying to survive the night.”

I repeat, college students be so dumb. Add this one to the growing list of doll horror movies, a genre that seems to be so dumb. As for the tired plot, it must’ve been written by a college student.

Bigfoot’s Girlfriend

Tanya is a big city supermodel whose artist boyfriend has hair-trigger anger issues. He wants her to go away. She doesn’t want to go away. Instead, she fantasizes about the two of them on a deserted island, where clothes have no meaning and there are bananas everywhere, some even for eating.

While exploring the island, Tanya happens across a grotto that serves as a rent-free apartment for Blue, a lonely Bigfoot (or “island gorilla”) with more bananas than he could hope for. (Intermission: Tanya names him Blue because the ape’s eyes are that color. “Grotto” would be a better name for a gorilla. Just sayin’.)

Tanya develops a friendship with Blue, which taps into the jealous rage anger of Lobo, her mood swingin’ boyfriend. His temper is as bad as his name, which seems like it would be more suitable on a can of chewing tobacco. He sees the odd couple beauty and beastin’ it without him, so he traps Blue in a remarkably sturdy bamboo cage (i.e., island jail). What follows is a series of LOL moments punctuated by Tanya’s liberal nudity.

Lobo war paints his face, goes all Rambo crazy, and he and Blue get into a prolonged dust up, fighting for Tanya’s bounty. Blue manages to imprison Lobo in his own cell and makes off with Tanya, who by now is fed up with both her boyfriends’ behavior. She tells Lobo, “Go away, I don’t want to be with either of you,” like being in a relationship with a gorilla was an option. Blue responds by chasing her through the jungle. He must’ve tripped, because he fell right on top of her bare bottom and seemed to get stuck there. Gee, I hope he’s okay.

All this fun, and yet the best moment is was watching Tanya in waist deep water trying to catch fish with a bow and arrow. Tanya, btw, is Vanity, who later became Prince’s girlfriend. Too bad the monkey didn’t learn how to play guitar.

P.S. You can find the horror-esque fantasy Tanya’s Island (uncensored) on YouTube™.  I’m not promising I won’t tell your mom of your perverse viewing habits.

L.A. Mummies

Someone needs a geography lesson. In Legion of the Dead (2005) an ancient Egyptian burial chamber is discovered in the hills just outside of L.A. In it lies the interred mummy of the Queen of Hollywood Egyptians.

While studying the sarcophagus, bumbling students accidentally bring the Queen back to life. She awakens with freshly-polished nails, styled hair and no clothes. She can be forgiven for this as she has no problem with walking around naked.

She needs a virgin’s blood to sacrifice with an Ankh (a sharp piece of wood that looks like Prince’s guitar) so that she can reanimate a legion of the mummified undead. A cop shows up and shoots one of the mummies and it explodes in a flurry of dust, like when a full vacuum cleaner bag busts open.

This cop, it should be noted, is Bruce Boxleitner, who played that guy in Tron (1982). Bruce — what the hell happened? You don’t need this. You were in Tron, man! This gagger needs to be re-buried back in the Egyptian district of Los Angeles.