Vampire Bridgework, Death Cloud, Zombie Block Party

“Be true to your teeth or they will be false to you,” goes the saying. And nowhere is that more true than with vampires and werewolves. Their trademark chompers are the tools of their trade, so it makes sense to keep them well-maintained. A bit easier to do for walruses, though — with their teeth outside their mouth, it makes brushing ’em way easier.

But if you’re not a vampire, werewolf or walrus, go to VampFangs.com and pick up a set of snap-on snappers that never need brushing or flossing. Unless you bite into a gristly neck/buttsteak. No tooth doctor needed as these things are easily attached and come in a wide range of carnassials to accommodate your particular death grin. VampFang offers everything from classic vampire to professional werewolf, as well as retractable, chrome metallic and glow in the dark versions. (Not recommended for the creature of the night trying to be stealthy.) And these monster molars are totally affordable, ranging in price from $17.99 to $39.99.

While we cancel our dentist appointment and get some of these deadly dentures, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not bite… 

CANNIBAL COMEDIAN / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A psychopathic cannibal, fed up with his lack of ambition, tries his hand at stand-up comedy in an attempt to satisfy his appetite for normalcy.”

Fed up. Interesting choice of words. So where would a cannibal comedian perform? A logical guess would be a dinner club. Heh.

ALIEN STORM / Release pending 2023/2024 (VOD)

“Frank McConnelly is a loving father and husband, a brilliant business man, and a secret doomsday prepper. To celebrate taking his company public, Frank is putting on the party of the year in his Las Vegas mansion. During the party The President of the United States gives an address warning people to stay inside due to a strange weather pattern that is cutting off communications with major cities across the globe. Suddenly the power goes out as a massive fog bank moves in. In the ensuing chaos Frank escorts people down to safety of his bunker. Everyone is surprised to see the bunker is actually an underground house complete with a yard and a pool. But, In the thick fog something is stirring. Something that hungers. Will the bunker protect them or will they be the next meal?”

I have an underground pool, too. It’s called a leaky basement. FYI: No diving board OR lifeguard on duty. Also, the water is brown. Think of it as swimming in chocolate milk.

CORA / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Cora is working for an organization trying to reverse the effects of the apocalypse after a deadly mist has covered Earth, effectively wiping out most of humanity.”

Back in my roommate days, we called this deadly mist a “sh*t fog,” wherein one rent-splitter goes in the bathroom after a Jalisco’s Mexican Fiesta Platter™ meal to do a bit of “recycling.” At that point said person turns on the shower to get the bathroom fog-thick steamy. Then said person opens the bathroom door and all the permeated steam spreads throughout the dwelling, sticking to the curtains, rug, bedding, clothing and nostrils. Goodbye humanity. And goodbye roommate.

STATE OF DESOLATION release pending 2023 (VOD)

“When a viral outbreak turns into a full-scale zombie pandemic, two mismatched survivors — Freddie, a war-weary retired special forces operative and Claire Davis, a young pampered suburbanite — begin a long trek to reach the perimeter of the hundred mile quarantine zone that used to be Los Angeles. Along the way the two very different people form a powerful bond, which will be put to the test as they try to survive marauding cannibals, doomsday cults, and hordes of the undead.”

Zombies…cannibals…doomsday cults. Sounds like a block party, or as we call it in my neighborhood, casual Friday.

Mecha-Eyeball

The Eyeborgs in Eyeborgs (2009) are the equivalent of intersection traffic cams, but with robotic legs that allow them to find trouble, record it, and send it back to Big Brother. Problem is, the crimes they’re filming aren’t really happening at all. (Classic Republican maneuver.)

There are ice chest-sized Eyeborgs and kitchen stove-sized Eyeborgs — and they’re all linked together to bring crime to its knees illegal. This is known as the Freedom of Observation Act (dumb), with the Eyeborgs built and maintained by ODIN (Optical Defense Intelligence Network). Guess who pays for this stuff? (Not me; I’m broke.)

A conspirator tries to kill the President’s punk rock nephew and to tell the world that the Eyeborgs are really a part of a bigger political (Republican) agenda. A police detective eventually uncovers the truth (the stinky hippie emo conspiracy guy was right all along), and sets out to correct this incorrectness.

The Eyeborgs are kinda cool, but the plot, at times, slows things down to a robotic crawl. Fortunately, a big gun battle between human and robot brings things to a nice, shiny finish. And the President? You’ll have to decide if he was real or just a digital media puppet. Art imitates life.

President Wolfman

No doubt the scariest horror show these days is the horrific battle for the Presidency during this 2016 election year. Regardless who wins, the outcome is far too frightening to contemplate. So much so, this moved satirist Patton Oswalt to post on Facebook™ (August, 2016): “We are living in a horror movie written by comedians and performed by maniacs using megaphones…”

Too bad politicians aren’t allowed to use machetes and hockey masks.

That said, if you haven’t chosen a side, may I offer a few liberal party alternates: President Wolfman (2012), An American Werewolf in Washington (2013) and the schlock classic, Werewolf of Washington (1973).

President Wolfman (great title) rigs the election like this: “The President of the United States has been bitten by a werewolf and is loose on the streets of Washington on a killing rampage! This comedy/horror/political satire is also a ‘green movie,’ created entirely out of recycled stock and public domain film footage culled from over one hundred grainy government instructional shorts, classroom education movies, vintage stag reels and features that have fallen out of copyright as well as from the favor of the public.”

Awesomely patriotic.

As for An American Werewolf in Washington, it looks like this is a fan-made fake movie advertisement. Nevertheless, it has my vote.

Werewolf of Washington, however, is unlike anything you’ll ever see, depicting scenes of the President ripping people apart and sniffing butts. Not Republican butts, though. That’s some big time stinky.

You have your candidates – now stuff it up your ballot box.

Wolf-Man For President

Jack Whittier, the President’s aide, is sent to Hungary for no other reason that it’s there. While making his way back to the airport to get the hell out of that smell-infested country, his car is run off the road and he’s bitten by a wolf, which we later find out was a gosh-darn werewolf.

Once back in Washington, Jack turns into a marauding, suit-wearing lycanthrope and kills a few people that probably deserved it. (One attack has him on top of a woman’s car at a brightly-lit gas station. Fortunately, no one saw him.)

As luck would have it there are five nights of full moons. Jack’s gooning out and trying to tell everyone he’s the werewolf in the news that’s been biting people. No one believes him. I do, though. When he changes into a silver-haired werewolf in his apartment, he crawls around on all fours and bites the lamp. That’s OK – it was probably a stupid lamp.

In a really confusing plot deviation, wolfman Jack (Hey, I just got that!) makes his way into the White House basement where he encounters the dwarf, Dr. Kiss (no relation to the popular musical ensemble) who’s been experimenting on bodies. Jack sniffs the doctor’s butt and licks his face. This causes the doc to laugh, even though it probably wasn’t in the script.

And speaking of, there are so many laughably bad scenes in The Werewolf of Washington (1973), you have to see it to believe it. Great dialogue, too, as Jack, who’s been boinking the President’s daughter, tells her with a straight face, “I think your father is a cross between Abe Lincoln and Jesus Christ.” Man, you can’t even write lines that good anymore.

The President swears numerous times and eventually gets bitten by Jack. Let’s just say the Pentagon is now the Pentagram. Heh.