Monster Pride, Extraterrestrial Daddy, Fondling Faeries

Cheers to Scream Factory™ for celebrating Pride Month with the re-release of The Babadook (2014) and a Pride rainbow variant of the Blu-ray cover. Not only do you get a top-shelf horror movie that came out of nowhere (okay, Australia), a portion of all sales in June are being donated to the Los Angeles LGBT Center. And at an affordable $19.95, snap ’em up quick as they’re limited to 2,500 copies.

If you haven’t seen The Babadook, here’s why you should: “A single mother, plagued by the violent death of her husband, battles with her son’s fear of a monster lurking in the house, but soon discovers a sinister presence all around her.”

Okay, so the press release doesn’t exactly inspire a sprint to the video store (whatever those are), or clicking like a madman online. But this one showed up on film critics’ best of year-end lists almost unanimously.

And while we celebrate all things Pride and Babadook-y, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be watchable by hysterical single moms with haunted kids…

DOLLS (July 2, 2019)
“A struggling children’s book author and his rebellious teenage daughter inherit a house where they find mysterious dolls in the attic, which prove to be more sinister than they first appear.”

Then don’t go into the attic. Or the basement. Or the tool shed out back. Or the bathroom after this movie takes a big steaming dump to match its storyline.

CARNIVAL ROW (August 30, 2019/Amazon Prime™)
“A Victorian fantasy world filled with mythological immigrant creatures. Feared by humans, they are forbidden to live, love, or fly with freedom. But even in darkness, hope lives, as a human detective and a faerie rekindle a dangerous affair. The city’s uneasy peace collapses when a string of murders reveals a monster no one could imagine.”

A streaming TV series, which means more binge watching, which also means more meaningful time spent on the couch. Wondering what they mean by “rekindling a dangerous affair” between a regular dude and a faerie; I’m all for it. Just think, a girlfriend with wings — you fly, I’ll buy. Heh.

AD ASTRA (September 20, 2019)
“An Army Corps engineer decides to go on an ambitious space mission to find out the truth behind the mysterious disappearance of his father, who set out on a journey to Neptune looking for signs of extraterrestrial intelligence, but never returned.”

Long way to go to get some closure on your daddy issues. Maybe he’s going off grid to keep from paying child support. Maybe Neptune’s not far away enough.

THE DAWN (2019)
“A young woman witnesses her father murder her family in the wake of World War I. Sent to live in a convent, she dedicates her life to the Lord. However, her demons follow and manifest themselves in ways which bring the nightmares of her past with her. ”

I hear there are no TVs or min-bars in convents. Bring on the demons.

Million Dollar Monster, Undying House, Stinky Horror

Though reported by Bloody-Disgusting.com, Llamageddon (2018) — a new indie horror movie as of this e-scribbling — has been making steaming piles of news all over the Internet. While the cost to stream movies of any genre ranges from .99 cents to $6.99 (and above), Llamageddon’s price on Amazon.com is over…ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

Not joking, though it probably is a joke — and not just the title. It’s either a typo, a clever way to get publicity, or it’s for real. I’m thinkin’ the second one, though if some idiot with more money than brains rented it at full price, he/she just gave the filmmakers an early Christmas — for the next 10 years.

In case you have more money than brains, here’s the plot: “A killer llama from outer space crash lands on Earth and begins reigning havoc on a group of unsuspecting college students.” Why do I get the feeling someone’s reaching for their wallet right now?

If you want slightly more affordable barnyard horror, try Black Sheep (2006) from New Zealand. In that one, the fuzzy creatures don’t come from space, but rather are genetically tinkered, which turns them into ferocious people-eaters. You wouldn’t think that was cool, but it is.

But for now, here are a few now available/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not drain your 401k…

THE GHOST BEYOND (available now)
“A struggling novelist moves his wife and young son to an old country home, but when a presence begins to communicate with his son, the family must escape an evil that threatens to doom them to the house for eternity.”

Same old plot, same old story, same old struggling novelist. And since when are novelists not struggling? And how can they afford an old country home in which to struggle? I say let the evil take the mom and kid, and then move into a nice, AFFORDABLE studio apartment that never dies.

THE HOUSE THAT NEVER DIES: THE REAWAKENING (available now)
“The sequel to the 2014 hit film The House That Never Dies is based on true events that took place at the spookiest of Beijing’s Four Oriental Haunted Houses. The story takes place a hundred years after a mutiny by warlords in Beijing when an expert in cultural relics encounters supernatural phenomena at the mansion on 81 Chaoyangmennei Street.”

Chaoyangmennei Street? Try spelling that right on the first five tries when calling for Lyft™. P.S. You wouldn’t think so, but you still have to add a ghost if you’re doing a shared ride. And yes, it costs the same as adding non-ghosts.

PLEDGE (January 11, 2019)
“Frat life has never been so scary. And we don’t mean the recent wave of headlines and controversies. Inspired by the rise of the ‘social’ thriller, Pledge promises to take a centuries-old American tradition to new extremes and explore the power dynamics that have led to so many deaths on American campuses.”

Yeah, I’m thinkin’ no to this one.

RESPIRA (2018/2019)
“Leonardo gets a job as a fumigator pilot in the soybean fields and moves with his family to the countryside. When he starts working, he discovers a dark secret that will put him and his family in danger.”

The dark secret is you can’t really fumigate anything with the word “bean” in it.

Sheepsquatch, Drug Ghosts, Evil Pants

Just when you think you’ve heard about every mythical monster ever turned into a T-shirt, now comes a new one: Sheepsquatch, a creature that’s half Sasquatch and half sheep. (It looks more like a cross between Krampus and a billy goat to me.) Apparently, this hybrid horror has been around since 1990. Not sure why I’m just hearing about SS now. How embarrassing for me.

So where does this shaggy beast (also known as “White Thing”) shampoo its fur? West Virginia, if you believe the tourist brochures. According to Cryptid Wiki, the counties with the most sightings are Boone, Kanawha, Putnam and Mason, with a surge in sightings taking place in Boone County during the mid-1990s. Witnesses describe Sheepsquatch as being as big as a bear, with a pointed head and saber-tooth teeth. This means Sheesquatch can open a can of beer with his face. Let’s see Mothman try something like that.

There are even books about Sheepsquatch that’ve been around for a few years. (Man, I have got to quit spending so much time hanging out with Bigfoot and get up to speed on my cryptids.)

While you go out searching for Sheesquatch photo ops, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies to sink your teeth into…

TWINS (2018)
“The massacre of the Levi family, of which only adopted twins Eva and Greta survive, pits priests Father Michel and Father Paul against the powers of evil, both convinced that the twins are diabolical. The girls are then confined to a halfway house, where a series of mysterious deaths occur, requiring the intervention of Police Commissioner Zanda, who fails to come up with any answers. Recruited by Bishop Tarcisi Lombard, the two priests set out on what will be a no-holds-barred fight against the twins.”

Somebody massacred the Levi family? Dang — now where am I gonna get my evil pants?

YOU’RE NOT ALONE (2018)
“After the premature death of her estranged husband, Emma regains custody of their young daughter Isla and hopes to rebuild their relationship after many years apart. But when an evil entity begins to torment them, mother and daughter are forced to face the inexplicable presence that inhabits the walls of their new home.”

Inexplicable presence in the walls, my foot — it’s radioactive rats. Or rat-sized ants that may or may not be radioactive.

PERFECT (2018)
“A boy in a cold and stark modern house, in a vaguely science fictional world, is seduced by advertisements of perfection to install implantable characteristics directly into his body. The implants heal his dark, twisted visions, but come with a corporeal cost. He persists on applying them, hoping to reach perfection, but ultimately he discovers that purity of mind is not exactly as he’s imagined.”

All my dark and twisted visions come from implanting beer in my body. Being vaguely science fictional never tasted so good, especially when chilled to a crisp 41° degrees.

TIGERS ARE NOT AFRAID (2018/2019)
“A dark fairy tale about a gang of five children trying to survive the horrific violence of the cartels and the ghosts created every day by the drug war.”

Time to all in Sheepsquatch to go all barnyard on those mean criminals.

UFOs, Nightmares, Fog Monsters, Bigfoot

Watched YET ANOTHER Bigfoot documentary (I’ve pretty much seen ‘em all) and one “expert” (he’s not, I am) claims that there’s thousands of the highly marketable cryptid. Gonna have to call baloney puckey on that one. Do the math — there’s only ONE true Bigfoot. But hey, where did he come from? Wouldn’t he have had parents? What about a grandma who sends him a new sweater every Christmas? Those and many more questions will be answered when Bigfoot says so, not some dumbass “expert.” Uh, oh — I think I just called myself a dumbass. Oh well — not the first time.

Anyway, more mysterious horror/sci-fi topics being addressed in these upcoming films, of which I’m probably an expert at. Ahem.

UNACKNOWLEDGED (May 9, 2017/iTunes™)
“Unacknowledged focuses on the historic files of the Disclosure Project and how UFO secrecy has been ruthlessly enforced — and why. The best evidence for extraterrestrial contact, dating back decades, is presented with direct top-secret witness testimony, documents and UFO footage, 80% of which has never been revealed anywhere else.”

About flippin’ time. UFOs are real and everybody knows it. Getting them to admit it, on film even, is the tough part. Unacknowledged is headed up by Dr. Steven Greer, a guy who put his reputation on the line by going up against the government and petitioning them to come clean with the E.T. goods. I’d go to him for medical/conspiracy services. Heck, when you think about, he’s probably really good at proctology. Don’t make me explain this.

BACKWOOD MADNESS (2017)
“Backwood Madness is a horror fantasy movie that bustles with trolls and goblins. Situated during the second World War, it tells a story about a conflict between men and creatures of the forest. The main character is struggling with his own mysterious past that is taking events towards the inevitable collision with destiny.”

Haven’t seen a good troll since Troll Hunter (2010), so puttin’ this on my “to do” list taped to the kitchen mop (that’s on the “to-do”list as well). And with the addition of goblins, maybe Hollywood can make up for those goblins in the steaming pile of fantasy mess that was Legend (1985).

FLESH OF THE VOID (2017)
“The film was shot almost entirely on expired Super 8 film from the ’80s, and is intended as a trip through the deepest fears of human beings, exploring its subject in a highly grotesque, violent and extreme manner. It’s 80 minutes of pure Hell, playing out like a non linear, psychedelic nightmare.”

This on sounds both icky and must-see at the same time. Kinda like watching an octopus attack on a ocean-wading tourist in a loud shirt drinking a margarita. And the words “highly grotesque” and “psychedelic nightmare” go together like “octopus” and “tourist with a loud shirt and margarita.”

EL SECRETO DE MARROWBONE (October 27, 2017/Spain)
“A young man and his four younger siblings, who have kept secret the death of their beloved mother in order to remain together, are plagued by a sinister presence in the sprawling manor in which they live.”

Theorized (and probably right) spoiler: It’s their baby-sitter who never got paid for watching the brats.

THE MIST (2017/Netflix™)
“After an eerie mist rolls into a small town, the residents must battle the mysterious mist and its threats, fighting to maintain morality and sanity.”

This, of course, is the TV series version of the not-too-shabby 2007 movie of the same name, based on one of Stephen King’s better sessions at the typewriter. It’s not a spoiler to casually mention there are mutated creatures that live in the mist or “fog.” I like the idea of a TV series as it will flesh out that angle and maybe show us how the military opened another dimension and let the bed bugs in. I’ll be taking notes.

More Ghosts = Less Scares

If you were at SXSW back in the ancient days of March 2015, then you might have been one of the chosen few to see a sneak premier of The Diabolical, a new horror/sci-fi ghost movie, which seem to be the rage these days.

For those of us who were not personally invited to SXSW via a handwritten and/or engraved invite delivered on a silk pillow, The Diabolical comes out in the fall of 2015. If privileged people have already seen it, why do we commoners have to flippin’ wait that long? One-percenters suck.

So yeah, The Diabolical is YET ANOTHER ghost-y movie. I watched the trailer and it reminded me of Poltergeist. Not the 2015 remake (which sucked polter-ass), but the original from 1982. Anyway, here’s how the ghost goes…

“Madison – a single mother – and her children, are awoken nightly by an increasingly strange and intense presence. She seeks help from her scientist boyfriend Nikolai, who begins a hunt to destroy the violent spirit that paranormal experts are too frightened to take on.”

Good luck and all.

In the original Poltergeist there was a haunted steak. Hope The Diabolical can top that.