Archive for prehistoric

The Day The Earth Drew Mud

Posted in Classic Horror, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 12, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

X The Unknown

X The Unknown (1956) is a British sci-fi kickstarter about a sentient pile of liquid meatloaf that oozes up out of a fissure (or “crack”) in the Earth in search of radiation nutrients on which to feed. Good thing we Earthers have a lot of uranium laying around.

X The Unknown

Discovered during a Scottish military training session to teach soldiers how to use Geiger counters, the crack appears in a dirt pit that looks more like a moto-cross playground full of whiskey throttlers than the scene of a potential holocaust. Get close to the hole, you get flaky waxy skin and pancake sized herpes sores all over your back/face/short life. (Always wash your hands after getting close to holes.)

X The Unknown

Dr. Royston, an English scientist from the conveniently located Atomic Energy Laboratory, investigates when several townsfolk melt after encounters with the chocolate colored couscous. He hypothesizes (guesses out loud) that the living energy form is prehistoric in nature and got trapped underground when the Earth’s pancake crust cooled in its pre-people days. Now it’s really freakin’ starvinated and wants a steaming pile of radiation with a human side salad to feast upon. Good thing we Earthers have a lot of uranium laying around.

X The Unknown

The scientist, military and local police figure out a way to lure the fudge brownie mix back into the crack and blow it up for the benefit of all mankind. And to think all they had to do was drop a car-sized roll of toilet paper into the hole and let the monster wipe itself out.

Blobs

X The Unknown, though, was the precursor for 1958’s The Blob, which beget a sequel (Beware! The Blob/1972), a remake (The Blob/1988), and was the source material for the R.L. Stine Goosebumps™ rip-off book, The Blob That Ate Everyone (1997).

Still, I can’t shake the nagging feeling that I’ve seen this gravy-stained lumpy pile of mashed potatoes before. Sigh. It’s gonna stick in my crack all day long. Oh wait, I know! It looks just like…Dairy Queen™!

Mammoth Fail

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 10, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Mammoth

A museum curator has a completely preserved woolly mammoth encased in a block of ice, ready to over-charge people to see.

For whatever reason, he drills through the ice and extracts a transmitter that was lodged in the mammoth’s butt area. This “analometer” suddenly activates and sends out a deep space transmission to a flying sausage, uh, saucer. Said UFO makes a u-turn for earth. I don’t know why. Neither will you.

Mammoth

Out of nowhere a flaming meteor streaks across the Louisiana skies and crashes into the museum, waking up the slumbering beast. Before it goes outside to get a breath of future air, it sucks all the life force out of a museum guard via its trunk. As much as I wanted to be making that up, I’m not.

Mammoth

Later, two government agents – clearly aware of the extraterrestrial nature of the “awakening” – show up to track the monster and have space guns that presumably emit mammoth-stopping waves of some sort. After that, the whole plot gets really dumb.

Mammoth

The elephant in Mammoth (2006) looks like one of the Banana Splits™. While it does have a decent roar (I wish my car horn sounded like that – then those stinkin’ hippies would RUN), it only gores one person with its tusks of doom and stomps the entire car a guy was trying to hide under.

The whole thing is played for laughs, which falls as flat as the guy under the car is now. Someone saves the day but at what price? I get the feeling I may have paid a bigger price by watching this dud.

Cave Man – Cradle To The Grave, Man

Posted in Bigfoot, Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 17, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The X-Species

A new one about man being at the bottom of the food chain while an “as yet undocumented by science or someone playing a scientist” creature slaps on the feed bag and goes to town on a big dripping slab of buttsteak.

Arriving sometime in 2015, The X-Species is shot in regular style filming, POV and found footage. Not a fan of the last two. (Found footage is the karaoke of filmmaking.) If you agree then we’ll both have to suck it up and see what the new species of apex predator is all about.

Here’s the less-than-sizzling press release: “An archaeological expedition uncovers a prehistoric hominid burial site. When their team is unexpectedly attacked they are forced to take refuge in the catacombs of an unmapped cave. One by one they fall to an ancient predator.”

The X-Species

The trailer indicates the beast is of the two-legged variety and is much taller than whatever it kill eats. Think Sasquatch as a basketball center. His pre-kill eat growl sounds like a gurgling hungry stomach, only louder, as if it swallowed a microphone.

I’m sure The X-Species is at least worth 90 minutes of couch time, but I’m hoping this isn’t just another “throw a bunch of people into an unfamiliar territory and a monster picks ’em off over a soundtrack of screaming and bleeding” borefest. Not that I’m against such things, it’s just that I’ve seen all 152 times before. [Newbies: Start with Area 407 (2012) and rewind from there.]

Area 407