Archive for porn

Goth Threads, Bloodthirsty Lawnmower, Ghost Barge

Posted in Classic Horror, demons, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, paranormal, Slashers, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 22, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Gold brocade laced pants? Black jacquard waistcoat? Sapphire waist cincer corset? The fashion monster inside me wants out of its cage, all because I clicked on DraculaClothing.com. This clothing site, for all who live in the Darkness (or a drafty 450 ft one-bedroom apartment with insensitive neighbors), is one-stop shopping for vampire, Goth, and steampunk suits, dresses, coats, ties, jewelry, accessories, corsets, and more.

Located in the Czech Republic, Dracula Clothing’s elegantly evil fashions will unleash your inner cosplay or further define your style esthetic, all at extremely affordable prices. (Under $200 dollars, or “Romanian Lei.”) And hey, free worldwide shipping. Minunat!

Who wouldn’t want to go to a snooty masquerade ball dressed to kill in a black brocade long vest with matching velvet officer pants, an onyx tie and a rhinestone skull necklace while you hover around the buffet table, looking to bite the necks of chilled shrimp appetizers? Now THAT would be freakin’ dernier cri!

While we go to DraculaClothing.com for a neck-to-nut, creature of the night wardrobe upgrade, here are a few out now/upcoming horror movies that may or may not be stylish in the day OR night…

BLADES IN THE DARKNESS / Out now (VOD
“Tirana 1997. The chaos left by the fall of Communism has opened the doors to a bloody civil war. Matia, just a teenager, is harassed by his playmates. In an attempt to escape, he hides inside an abandoned bunker. In that spooky building, Matia will be the first to discover something scary and unthinkable that will change his whole life…a bloodthirsty horror armed with deadly blades.”

Sounds like my lawnmower has been moonlighting

MASK OF THE DEVIL / Out now (VOD)

“An intern in a porn movie production battles against the evil powers inhabiting an ancient tribal mask.”

I would very much like to be an intern on a porn movie production. Heck, I’ll pay them to hire me. Please. Don’t make me beg.

TERROR TALK / Out Now (Tubi™)

“When a virus outbreak causes widespread panic, a doomsday prepper retreats into his new house, believing that he’s safe from the dangers outside. He soon discovers his house is haunted by terrifying ghosts.”

Tough call — germs outside, ghosts inside. But it boils down to this: germs will make you a ghost, whereas ghosts can’t transmit germs. So yeah, new roommates. Problem solved. 

THE HAUNTING OF LADY-JANE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

The peaceful waterways of the English countryside are plagued by legends of Ràn — a water spirit who collects the bodies of sinful people along the river. After a disturbing incident left Lily emotionally scarred and estranged from her parents she decides to begin her life again. Now a socially aware writer on female empowerment, she decides to tour the country with Zara, whose journey of self-identity has led her to fully explore life. Lily met Zara through her blog, they decided to become travel companions. They see a chance to travel on a barge the Lady-Jane on the English canals. The journey upriver becomes increasingly bizarre and dangerous when canal ghosts surfaces, and the spirit known as Ràn torments them on their journey.

You know how to torment that super mean Ràn fellow? Pee and/or urinate over the side of the barge into the canal, or “British lap pool.”

The Artistry of Horror, Dracula’s Cousin, Ghost Sex

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, demons, Evil, Ghosts, paranormal, Science Fiction, Slashers, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 21, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

People imbued with the power of being able to read, and specifically this blog, know I’m a huge fan of horror movie poster art and the infinity more talented than me artists who design them. While many horror movie ad sheets are created in Photoshop (I learned PS in order to put my head on Chippendale™ dancer’s bodies), the best ones are hand-illustrated and often better than the movies themselves.

Here’s a select batch of some truly dazzling and ingenious takes on horror/sci-fi movies and links (click the artist names) to view some amazing portfolios. The Nope poster above was illustrated by Gilbert Posters (no relation, but that doesn’t stop me from implying credit during Happy Hour gatherings). The art for Smile was done by the insanely talented Nuno Sarnadas (who also did the posters for Prey and Aliens below).

Keith Goulette designed the wicked Black Phone art and you can find him swimming happily among a sea of other talented designers one redbubble.com. (Click his name to explore a whole new world of visual horror). Jack Gregory did the jaw-dropping Evil Dead art, as well as the freakishly beautiful art for Dawn of the Dead and Halloween Ends (click to see his portfolio). The It poster, which should’ve been used by the movie studio, was designed by Jorge Teles, who also did numerous takes on Batman.

While we’re not worthy and should throw away our design tools (for me it’s crayons, felt pen laundry markers, Etch A Sketch™), here are a few out now/upcoming horror movies that may or may not need new cover art done with laundry markers…

THE CURSE OF DRACULA / Out now (VOD/DVD)

“Two small-time crooks scam tourists by organizing a guided tour of a creepy manor house rumored to be haunted by the cousin of Count Dracula. Their first group consist of a Swedish Satanist, two French Goths and a Russian porn director. But the tour descends into bloody chaos when they are confronted by a mysterious phantom wielding a circular saw.”

Dracula has a cousin? The Swedish are Satanists? The French are Goths? Russians are into porn? What kind of world did I just wake up in? Guess I’ll have to start hanging out with normal people, like that ghost guy with the gasoline-powered power tool. He seems cool.

AMITYVILLE THANKSGIVING / Out now (VOD)

“Jackie and Danny’s marriage has taken a turn for the worst. They turn to what they believe to be their only option, Amityville Couples Counselor Frank Domonico, a doctor with a hidden, sinister past, who recommends an isolated cabin retreat. Little do they know that the doctor plans to end their sessions, as well as their lives, with a devilish Thanksgiving dinner — and them as the main course!

So they’re gonna eat the unhappy, fighting married couple. Bet they’ll taste bitter. Heh. They can be washed down with Annulment Ale, though. That should make everyone very…hoppy.

PARASENSE: THE NAKED EXPERIMENTS / Out now (VOD)

Paranormal veteran, Ross Allison, focuses his attention on the physical aspects of being touched by a ghost. His struggle to prove these phenomena takes a crucial turn when a real scientist and inventor, Chad Goodwin, joins his team as they take naked subjects into the most haunted sites known for supernatural physical contact.”

The best part about having intimate relations with a poltergeist is you can ghost ’em afterward. 

EXORCIST BLOODLINE / Out now (VOD)

“After moving back into her childhood home, a young woman is possessed by a depraved evil spirit masquerading as her dead mother and must battle to save her mind, body and soul.”

For some of us, it’d be hard to differentiate between a depraved evil spirit and a deceased mom. Not me, though. My mom rocks. (Had to say that, as she reads this blog, and I don’t want to be sent to my room…YET AGAIN.)

A Mouthful of Tongues

Posted in Misc. Horror, Science Fiction, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , on July 10, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Sixteen Tongues

I watched Sixteen Tongues (1999), a pseudo-intellectual, cyberpunk porn sci-fi, twice and still didn’t understand it. OK, I get the porn part, but the rest is pseudo-intellectual bull pucky.

Sixteen Tongues

Here’s what I pieced together: In the future a cop, horribly damaged by an explosion, is patched back together using the tongues of 16 people. An understatement to say he looks…unusual. He also makes people (male and female) pleasure him orally, then shoots them in the head. At no point did he read them their rights.

Sixteen Tongues

He lives in a seedy hotel next door to two shaved ladies, one into men, the other not, but both into each other. One is a horny Asian assassin with a freak fetish, the other a techno-junkie, on the search for a killer.

Sixteen Tongues

The horny assassin visits tongue man next door and she pleasures him with her tongue. He thanks her by not shooting her in the head, but leaves an oil slick of blood all over her chest as a souvenir of their first romantic moment. What a gentleman.

Sixteen Tongues

From there I lost the narrative. Hardcore porn plays on the TV around the clock but it’s blurred just enough to get a NR-rating. (That stands for No Refund.) In the end, a pretentious indie film made by people who don’t even know themselves what the movie is about.

Sci-Fi Virgin

Posted in Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , on March 10, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

I Am A Virgin

A tongue-in-lower-cheek spoof of I Am Legend (2007), which was a spoof of Omega Man (1971), which was a spoof of The Last Man on Earth (1964), I Am Virgin (2010) is a sub-budget “sci-fi” movie set three years into the future after a virus wipes out everybody except a young guy named Robby.

I Am Virgin

All other survivors are ultra-horny vampires who suck everything except blood. Robby, the son of ultra-strict religious parents who drilled it into his head that sex and women will lead to the destruction of all mankind (they were almost right about that one), watches porn by night and searches for the right woman by day, bemoaning his virgin status on video blogs, which he posts daily.

I Am Virgin

How the internet and electricity is still functioning after three years is anyone’s guess. But sci-fi doesn’t have to explain anything to you, man.

I Am Virgin

Robby won’t give in, though, believing that the right woman might have survived the Armageddon and that he’ll someday find her. With his luck, she’ll turn out to be a lesbian.