Archive for Popeye

Lunar Health, Camping Aliens, Home Groan Farming

Posted in Aliens, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 29, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Space Travel

In a quest to contact my space brothers, I found a recent Outer Space: Where Science Meets Science Fiction video article on AOL.com (is that thing still around?) about the five effects space travel has on you. Think of it as primer, not unlike going to a tanning booth several weeks before a tropical vacation so you don’t go up like a piece of bacon in a microwave while sucking down artificially colored adult Slushees™ on the first day at the beach without sunblock or a big foofy hat.

Space Travel

1. Height. According to the laws and physics of science as it applies to space travel, zero gravity can expand your vertebrae by 3%. This means you’ll have to pack extra long space britches. Warning: you will return to normal height once back on Earth. Don’t know about you, but I don’t plan on coming back. Wonder if Big & Tall™ sells extra-large Speedos™?

2. Being in space weakens your muscle and bones. Pffft — so does laying on your couch after binge watching Lost in Space on Netflix™. 

3. The size and shape of your heart can be affected. That’s if you even have one. I don’t.

4. Isolation in space can weaken your immune system. It’s claimed that unhealthy microbes can easily pass from food and other space travelers like swapping spit in a meteor shower. Solution: Just drink Romulan Ale and don’t try any lip locks in the air locks.

5. Your airless environment can be a cause of depression and sleep disorders. This is because there’s a 90-minute light/dark cycle in space versus the Earth’s 24-hour cycle. We Earthers have already solved that problem by leaving our TVs/iPads/smart phones on all night, bathing us in refreshing blue wave light. Some say that’s not good for you. I say it gives us more time to watch more TV and Internet cat videos. How can that possibly be depressing?

Space Travel

So it looks like I’m all set to fill out my immigration papers to gain citizenship on any planet other than this. And while I wait for a green card light signal from a distant galaxy approving my space visa, here are a few now available/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not affect the size and shape of your heart. Or vertebrae.

The Aliens

THE ALIENS (available now)
“A UFO believer must choose between the aliens above he has never seen or the mysterious guide who appears in his campsite week after week.”

The mysterious guide is probably Yogi Bear coming for your pic-a-nic basket. (I knew watching old cartoons would someday pay off.)

Who’s Watching Oliver

WHO’S WATCHING OLIVER (July 3, 2018)
“A mentally unstable loner is lost in a life forced upon him. By night Oliver aimlessly wanders the streets and bars on what can only be described as a truly shocking and humiliating killing spree. His only savior and possible way out of a life he is desperate to escape comes in the form of the beautiful Sophia with her sweet eccentricity and naivety to the danger she has put herself in.”

Sophia could very well have been my babysitter, though I didn’t go on shocking and humiliating killing sprees. More like shocking and humiliating cookie jar assaults.

Solis

SOLIS (2018)
“When Troy Holloway wakes up to find himself trapped aboard a drifting escape pod shooting towards the Sun he quickly realizes the true terror of his situation. With rapid oxygen depletion and a burn-up rate of 90 minutes, Commander Roberts leads a rescue party to save Holloway before time runs out.”

Two words for Troy before plunging into the Sun: Bring marshmallows.

Maniac Farmer

MANIAC FARMER (2018)
“A group of street punks led by the murderous Blasphemous Rex meet their match when they choose to terrorize a seemingly helpless farmer who ends up turning the tides on the group, and the hunters become the hunted.”

A plot so weak, even a spinach-less Popeye could rip it in half. So what does this “maniac” farmer do on his farm? Grow killer tomatoes? (Tell me you got that reference.) 

Mummies, Monsters, Muscles

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, TV Vixens, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 23, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Hercules in the Haunted World

Of the 1,000 movies starring the strongest human this side of Popeye, Hercules in the Haunted World (1961) stands out because it has flying ghost mummies, a talking rock monster, damned women, and feats of physical strength unseen since I managed to get that really tight lid off a jar of peanut butter last week…with my bare hands!

Hercules in the Haunted World

Hercules and his stylish facial hair is back from dicking around on a bunch of adventures and wants to hook up with Princess Dianara. But she doesn’t recognize him as she’s in a trance. Or on drugs. Same diff. Her only hope is for Hercules to go to Hell and bring back the Living Stone to get her to snap out of it so they can get down to getting down.

Hercules in the Haunted World

Hercules flex battles an army of flying grease mummies, throws stone pillars around like they were made of Styrofoam and punches the smirk off Lyco, the main evil dude.

Hercules in the Haunted World

I ask you — how could anyone not like a movie with all these entertaining elements, as if seeing muscle men running around in alarmingly small togas wasn’t enough?

Mexican Frankenstein

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Science Fiction, TV Vixens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 12, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Santo y Blue Demon contra el Doctor Frankenstein

Somebody is kidnapping pairs of young hot women and attempting to surgically swap their brains. Seems kinda redundant. Nevertheless, that variety of behavior is illegal.

Only one man could pull off such a medical maneuver: Dr. Frankenstein. Okay, not the real Dr. Frankenstein, but his grandson, Irwin. (You didn’t know Frankenstein had progeny? I’m visibly shocked.) Irwin is 113 years old, but due to his innovative experiments with blood beta blockers, he’s managed to turn back the clock and looks about 40-ish and has suspect hygiene.

Santo y Blue Demon contra el Doctor Frankenstein

He offers the same de-oldening serum to several other brain surgeons in return for their help in transplanting the brain of El Santo – Mexico’s greatest pro wrestler/superhero – into the body of Golem, a 7-foot tall black guy with 3% body fat and muscles that would give Popeye bicep envy.

Santo y Blue Demon contra el Doctor Frankenstein

In order to lure Santo into his web of medical deceit, Frankenstein has to kidnap Santo’s latest trim, the lovely Alicia. Time to spring into action with his trusted ally, the Blue Demon. These two guys kick so much ass, you’ll actually feel bruised from watching this punching jamboree. And the clothes they wear — Blue Demon sports a double-wide necktie so colorful, rainbows by comparison look like dog crap smeared in an arc across the sky. And Santo’s beige blazer and turtleneck ensemble never gets ruffled when taking on six bad guys at once. Splendid!

Santo y Blue Demon contra el Doctor Frankenstein

In a genius move, Irwin Frankenstein turns Golem into Mortis, an unspeaking wrestling giant with a lucha mask and puts him in the ring with Santo. The strategy being that if Santo gets killed during the match, it’s legal. But the Blue Demon has Santo’s back and corners Frankenstein’s crony into revealing the evil doctor’s plans. (He does this by applying a devastating Indian rug burn — flippin’ ouch!)

Santo y Blue Demon contra el Doctor Frankenstein

Once again the ring announcer calls the action, expertly pointing out that Mortis just hit Santo in the tracheae and that it’s a forbidden move. Good call as the referee, obscured by forearm smashes, was not witness to the harshness.

Santo y Blue Demon contra el Doctor Frankenstein

We know how this all ends. Matters not. Santo y Blue Demon contra el Doctor Frankenstein (1974) is a great action-packed pro wrestling/superhero/evil scientist story with girls in mini skirts, brain-transplanted zombies and Blue Demon’s electrifying sense of fashion.