Archive for Polish

Future Fashion, Skin It To Win It, Cartoon Cryptid

Posted in Bigfoot, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 20, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Escape From New York

Here’s one for the WTF Files — Sideshow Collectibles is selling an exact replica of the countdown watch Snake Plissken (Kurt Russell) wore in the sci-fi classic, Escape From New York (1981). The Lifeclock One Snake Edition Smartwatch Prop Replica made by Ridgewood Watch Co. certainly paid attention to the details. But presumably the watch isn’t loaded with micro-explosives that will rupture your carotid arteries if you fail some sort of mission.

Snake Plissken

From the press release: “The Lifeclock one features a countdown, 22:59’:59” (Hartford Summit configuration only), standard and military time options, the ability to program up to 8 world clocks, display the date in 1 of 5 formats, stopwatch, 18 display animations and 8 character animations. With the app you can access the smartphone camera shutter release, push notifications of incoming and missed calls, voicemails, SMS & iMessage, app notifications (Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, Pinterest, LinkedIn, and more to come). The activity monitor tracks steps independent of your smartphone. A customizable daily alarm is also included.”

Escape From New York

That’s a wrist-full. But here’s the real mind-blower — the oversized time piece, which doesn’t go with anything except combat spandex, is $399.00. If you’re so inclined to burn money, order yours by clicking HERE. If not, then here are a few now available/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not rupture your carotid arteries and/or combat spandex…

The Outer Wild

THE OUTER WILD (available now)
“In this post-apocalyptic frontier western, mankind has given way to a new breed of beast, mutated from man. The survivor Laura may be the cure to these mutations but she flees to save herself. Aided by a hunter sent to catch her, she braves the dangerous unnatural wilderness in order to find a fabled refuge of freedom — and only there will she discover the fate of humanity at the end of the world.”

Apparently, this came out in September of the lost year of 2018. I must’ve been doing my laundry and the darn thing went right over my boxed detergent. As for the fabled refuge of freedom, that may be what they call it in the Apocalypse. But in the here and now we call it “7-Eleven™”.

PERFECT SKIN (August 25, 2018/UK | 2019 U.S.)
“This independent British feature film explores tattooing and body modification, and follows Katia, a young Polish woman, and her relationship with a mysterious tattoo artist — taking a dark turn as her fascination with him grows.”

I find the only way to get perfect skin is to use Scrubbing Bubbles™ followed by a moisturizing coat of floor wax. Most brands do the trick. P.S. Don’t do that — you might bump into me and get it all over my KISS t-shirt.

The Intruder

THE INTRUDER (2018/2019)
“A young married couple buy a beautiful Napa Valley home only to find that the man they bought it from refuses to let go of the property…and he slowly terrorizes them.”

The trailer for this one is nut house and goes straight to crazy town. And if you look closely enough, you’ll see nods to The Shining (1980) and Psycho (1960). I proclaim that to be quite cool.

Missing Link

MISSING LINK (April 12, 2019)
Meet Mr. Link: 8 feet tall, 630 lbs, and covered in fur, but don’t let his appearance fool you…he is funny, sweet, and adorably literal, making him the world’s most lovable legend. Tired of living a solitary life in the Pacific Northwest, Mr. Link recruits fearless explorer Sir Lionel Frost to guide him on a journey to find his long-lost relatives in the fabled valley of Shangri-La. Along with adventurer Adelina Fortnight, our fearless trio of explorers encounter more than their fair share of peril as they travel to the far reaches of the world to help their new friend.”

Normally, I wouldn’t beer fever dream of putting up an animated family film for preview, but this one’s about Bigfoot, though they don’t call him that. (Mr. Link? Yeesh.) They also give away his weight. Good thing he’s a dude; if this was a female cryptid, cartoon or not, you’d likely get your face smashed in. A safer way to skirt (sorry) the weight issue is to just say, “Why, no — all that fur doesn’t make you look at all fat.”

Provable Sea Monsters, Polish Slashers, Purple Aliens

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Sharks, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 14, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Frilled Shark

Newsweek recently caught my attention with this headline: “Prehistoric, Dinosaur-Era Shark With Insane Teeth Found Swimming Off Coast of Portugal.” Well dang — they might as well have said, “Free Candy!”

Frilled Shark

The drool-worthy article, written by Dana Dovey, goes on to say that “The rare frilled shark is considered a ‘living fossil,’ as its makeup has remained unchanged for 80 million years. This summer, researchers found one alive and thriving off the coast of Portugal, adding evidence regarding the resilience of this ancient sea creature. The frilled shark has remained the same, both inside and out, since the time of the dinosaurs, with scientists dating it back to the Cretaceous Period, a time when the Tyrannosaurus Rex and Triceratops still roamed the planet.”

The article also goes on to say that the shark’s jaw has more than 300 teeth neatly lined in 25 rows. I bet this thing goes through 100 toothbrushes a month.

Frilled Shark

Even more entertaining were the article’s comments: “OK if I am ever 4,200 ft deep in the ocean off Portugal, I will make sure I avoid this shark.” “Unevolved and been around for millions of years before man? I don’t believe you. Where are the earlier pictures? You know, the ones from millions of years ago as proof.” “People will say this is Photoshopped, but ha! the joke’s on you. Photoshop didn’t exist in the Cretaceous Period.”

While I finish LOL-ing all over myself, here are a few just released and upcoming horror/sci-fi movies with story lines that may or may not have existed 80 million years ago…

Fantom Killer

FANTOM KILLER (available now)
“Beautiful women living in a small Polish town are being found butchered in unspeakably grotesque ways. As the police desperately search for clues which could lead to the identity of this misogynistic masked assailant, suspicion begins to mount against the strange younger brother of one of the officers, who had been previously confined to an asylum. Will this fiendish killer be unmasked before his bloodthirsty appetite needs to be satisfied once again?”

This one’s from Poland from back in 1998, and just recently being re-issued and released in the States. Heads up: this movie is in Polish, but with English sub-titles. Crap. I can barely speak English, let alone read it.

The Rift: Dark Side of the Moon

THE RIFT: DARK SIDE OF THE MOON (November 28, 2017/VOD)
“An American military satellite crash lands in Eastern Serbia and a team of US and Serbian agents are dispatched to secure the remains of the satellite. But when they locate the crash site all is not as it seems.”

This a sequel to 2012’s The Rift? Heck-a-roo if I know. What I do know about The Rift: Dark Side of the Moon is that some astronauts cuttin’ a rug on the moon find a purple, shapeless, glowing alien life-form. Well hey — bring that lunar novelty back to Earth and see what kind of trouble they can make happen! Crossing fingers it’s one of those things you win at the county fair by throwing darts at balloons filled with purple hydrogen.

Cutlass

CUTLASS (December 12/VOD)
“A young tourist is abducted from her family into the jungles of Trinidad by a dangerous, armed sociopath. While the authorities and her family attempt to find her with no success, she is forced to mentally and physically outmaneuver her captor in an effort to stay alive and escape to safety.”

Sounds like this dumbass abducted the wrong woman. He’d have better luck going up against Trinidad’s infamous Rufous-vented chachalaca. (Watch that beak, dude.) I feel sorry for the sociopath.

Scars of Xavier

SCARS OF XAVIER (2017)
Xavier is a quiet 45-year-old man who lives in Prague. By day he works in a car wash service, but by night he is a brutal and vicious serial killer who primarily targets young women.”

A serial killer who preys on women. Two things — not original by any stretch of the imagination. Also, poor timing — women today, fed up with a-hole men, are about to take over the world. I’d go back to the car wash if I were you, X.