Archive for plasma

Alien Water Balloons

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Science Fiction, TV Vixens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 25, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Queen of Blood

1990. It’s the future. Space travel between planets is nothing more than a bus ride downtown. Clothing is either orange, yellow or white. (Future technology ensures you can wash all three together without turning things into hippie soup.) And the neighboring aliens just radioed a message to Earth that they’re sending an ambassador to establish diplomatic relations. And that ambassador is…the QUEEN OF BLOOD! (I just loaded my space britches.)

Queen of Blood

The UFO sending the QoB didn’t quite make it to Earth, crash landing on Mars. (Okay, not quite Mars, but on Phobos, one of Mars’ 47 moons, according to my discount space encyclopedia.) A rescue ship with a hot chick, who seems to have three and a half extra teeth, is sent from Earth to bring back any survivors. There was one. She’s green, has a beehive alien pod hair-do (that, or she’s a member of the B-52s), doesn’t talk and has glowing eyes when she’s about to go to Bite Town.

Queen of Blood

After she chews open the wrist of one of the astronauts, the remaining crew decides to feed her their spare plasma on the way back to Earth. Unfortunately, she’s a glutton and sucks her way through the blood slushies. Feeling peckish, the Queen goes after two more astronauts, one of which survived being sucked off. Okay, that didn’t come out right.

Queen of Blood

The only female astronaut saves the day by getting into the world’s shortest b*tch slap, which leaves Queenie with scratches on her back. Not only does she leak green goopy stuff, she bleeds out and croaks. But not before infecting the entire spaceship with blood eggs that look like small goopy filled water balloons inside other water balloons. (Future science has made it possible for two water balloons to inhabit the same space in time.)

Queen of Blood

This might sound like exciting action, but it’s the opposite of that. Queen of Blood’s (1966) sets, special visual effects, and lunar landscapes are vividly colorful and imaginative. But when the space vampire doesn’t even make an appearance until the 47 minute mark (it’s 78 minute movie), and there’s no build up to a major freak with zero screaming, panicking or erratically fired laser beam guns, you’re left with a whole lot of deep space boring.

Queen of Blood

P.S. With her vampire eggs needing to make it to Earth market in order to further the Queen’s sucking race of suckers, the whole thing echoes the set up for Alien (1979). I totally bet that’s where the alien stole the idea.

Vampires Bite Uranus

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Science Fiction, TV Vixens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 20, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Bloodsuckers

For a movie about vampires to call itself Bloodsuckers (2005) makes you wonder who got paid to come up with it. If it was more than a dollar, they were over-paid. Fortunately, someone kinda sort a fixed it when the made-for-TV sci-fi flick was retitled Vampire Wars: Battle For The Universe. Still dumb, but not Bloodsuckers dumb.

In the future we find that the universe is being scourged by a snack-pack variety of vampires. Teams of vampire hunters roam the galaxy and shout “lock ’n load, people” pseudo-military slogans and do a lot of synchronized posing.

Bloodsuckers

One such team has a hot vampire chick working with them (she can smell vampire B.O., even in space), who has to drink plasma (space term for blood) instead of “snecking.” (Snacking on necks.)

Bloodsuckers

They land on an abandoned planet, only to discover the place is overrun with dozens, maybe even a hundred dozen vampires. Seems some disenchanted Earth people have teamed up with the vampires to eliminate humans throughout the star system because they’re fed up with humans acting so aggressively towards EVERYTHING.

Bloodsuckers

No flinching on the gore and cannibalism (some vampires eat the flesh of their victims as though it were Red Vines™), and if you can put up with the painful dialogue (“That their genetics were merged by the vampirazation process was of profound interest.”) you’ll be rewarded with a talking chest-burster parasite (i.e., phallic-shaped sock puppet), and the super hot vampire chick offering to have sex with the captain to get him to relax.

Bloodsuckers

Because sex with a vampire can be fatal (I’m willing to risk it), she does the whole “tantric non-touching” space boot-knocking that’s alledgedly mind-blowing. Thanks, but in the future I’ll stick with making out with a lunar chick in the back seat of my space pod. (I hope I can afford one of those in the future. Space pod, not a lunar chick.)