Archive for planet

Lunar Health, Camping Aliens, Home Groan Farming

Posted in Aliens, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 29, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Space Travel

In a quest to contact my space brothers, I found a recent Outer Space: Where Science Meets Science Fiction video article on AOL.com (is that thing still around?) about the five effects space travel has on you. Think of it as primer, not unlike going to a tanning booth several weeks before a tropical vacation so you don’t go up like a piece of bacon in a microwave while sucking down artificially colored adult Slushees™ on the first day at the beach without sunblock or a big foofy hat.

Space Travel

1. Height. According to the laws and physics of science as it applies to space travel, zero gravity can expand your vertebrae by 3%. This means you’ll have to pack extra long space britches. Warning: you will return to normal height once back on Earth. Don’t know about you, but I don’t plan on coming back. Wonder if Big & Tall™ sells extra-large Speedos™?

2. Being in space weakens your muscle and bones. Pffft — so does laying on your couch after binge watching Lost in Space on Netflix™. 

3. The size and shape of your heart can be affected. That’s if you even have one. I don’t.

4. Isolation in space can weaken your immune system. It’s claimed that unhealthy microbes can easily pass from food and other space travelers like swapping spit in a meteor shower. Solution: Just drink Romulan Ale and don’t try any lip locks in the air locks.

5. Your airless environment can be a cause of depression and sleep disorders. This is because there’s a 90-minute light/dark cycle in space versus the Earth’s 24-hour cycle. We Earthers have already solved that problem by leaving our TVs/iPads/smart phones on all night, bathing us in refreshing blue wave light. Some say that’s not good for you. I say it gives us more time to watch more TV and Internet cat videos. How can that possibly be depressing?

Space Travel

So it looks like I’m all set to fill out my immigration papers to gain citizenship on any planet other than this. And while I wait for a green card light signal from a distant galaxy approving my space visa, here are a few now available/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not affect the size and shape of your heart. Or vertebrae.

The Aliens

THE ALIENS (available now)
“A UFO believer must choose between the aliens above he has never seen or the mysterious guide who appears in his campsite week after week.”

The mysterious guide is probably Yogi Bear coming for your pic-a-nic basket. (I knew watching old cartoons would someday pay off.)

Who’s Watching Oliver

WHO’S WATCHING OLIVER (July 3, 2018)
“A mentally unstable loner is lost in a life forced upon him. By night Oliver aimlessly wanders the streets and bars on what can only be described as a truly shocking and humiliating killing spree. His only savior and possible way out of a life he is desperate to escape comes in the form of the beautiful Sophia with her sweet eccentricity and naivety to the danger she has put herself in.”

Sophia could very well have been my babysitter, though I didn’t go on shocking and humiliating killing sprees. More like shocking and humiliating cookie jar assaults.

Solis

SOLIS (2018)
“When Troy Holloway wakes up to find himself trapped aboard a drifting escape pod shooting towards the Sun he quickly realizes the true terror of his situation. With rapid oxygen depletion and a burn-up rate of 90 minutes, Commander Roberts leads a rescue party to save Holloway before time runs out.”

Two words for Troy before plunging into the Sun: Bring marshmallows.

Maniac Farmer

MANIAC FARMER (2018)
“A group of street punks led by the murderous Blasphemous Rex meet their match when they choose to terrorize a seemingly helpless farmer who ends up turning the tides on the group, and the hunters become the hunted.”

A plot so weak, even a spinach-less Popeye could rip it in half. So what does this “maniac” farmer do on his farm? Grow killer tomatoes? (Tell me you got that reference.) 

Renamed Aliens, Social Evil, Fresh Beats

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 24, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Alien: Covenant

Recently had a conversation with my dumpster diving associate behind the Squeezie Mart about the state of horror and sci-fi movies. His position: “Technological advances in the visual arts have broken through the limitations of horror filmmaking, thereby pushing the medium into new territories…” Then he peed his pants to emphasize his point. My thought is I don’t care; I just wanna see things go squish on the big screen.

Anyway, here’s what’s new horror/sci-fi is coming up to make your bladder splatter. Presumably not in public.

ALIEN: COVENANT (May 19, 2017)
Alien: Covenant begins with the colony ship Covenant bound for a remote planet on the far side of the galaxy. The crew discovers what they think is an uncharted paradise, but is actually a dark, dangerous world, whose sole inhabitant is the ‘synthetic’ David, survivor of the doomed Prometheus expedition.”

Back in time — September 24, 2015, to be exact — I blogged that the next sequel in the Alien franchise was gonna be called Prometheus 2. That was the opposite of correct. Then I reported the movie was being retitled to Alien: Paradise Lost. Strike two. Now I find out it’ll be called Alien: Covenant. Not gonna say a word, other than I bet my life savings they’ll change the title again to make me look like a cred-less boob.

The Devil Lives Here

THE DEVIL LIVES HERE (December 13, 2016)
Three friends — Ale, Magu and Jorge — go on a trip to visit their friend Apolo at his family’s farm for a weekend of fun. At the same time, Sebastião and his younger brother Luciano are getting ready to perform the spiritual ritual their family has been tasked with every nine months, for centuries. On the night the two groups meet, they find out that what they thought were scary tales becomes more than real. It is now up to them to prevent evil to be born and take over the world.”

Spiritual ritual. That rhymes somehow. No doubt someone could turn rhymes into a rap song. Not me. No fan of rap here — or kids performing spiritual rituals. But hey, it should be fun to watch ‘em try and keep evil from being born and taking over the world, and then rapping about it against a backdrop of fresh beats.

Hostile

HOSTILE (2017)
“After a worldwide epidemic, most of the planet’s population is killed. Only a few thousand have survived and are struggling to find food and shelter. But they’re not alone: they have to hide from strange creatures that go hunting at night.”

Liked this better when it was called The Last Man on Earth (1964), The Omega Man (1971), and I Am Legend (2007).

Friend Request

FRIEND REQUEST (available now UK) / releasing 2017 / US)
“Laura is one of the most popular girls in her high school, seemingly adored by all. She is then sent a Facebook™ friend request by lonely Marina. Having initially accepted, Laura finds herself being obsessively pursued by Marina and not long afterwards hits the ‘unfriend’ button. When Marina apparently commits suicide in an online video, Laura’s life takes a turn for the terrifying, and she becomes the victim of a supernatural presence, attacked in her own home by a mysterious force. Is Marina responsible? And why does she refuse to disappear from Laura’s friend list, even as it increasingly diminishes in number?”

They forgot a question: who cares? Pointless social media horror has been around for a while. Not sure why; with its limited premise — do we need YET ANOTHER one? [Moviepilot.com lists Megan is Missing/2011, Smiley/2012), Antisocial/2013, The Den/2014, #Horror/2015, Unfriended/2015, and Ratter/2016, as “top” examples. They are wrong — all of ’em suck, because I’m older than social media and I can say things like that.]

Social Media Horror

Sorry, kids, but you can take your social media and cram it down your Facebook™. Back in my day our social media was the telephone — and we used it to call forth horror, i.e., 976-Evil (1988). Crank called satan all the time, we did. No fancy pants digital screen tapping, just pure finger-in-the-hole, rotary dialin’ horror.

976-Evil

Ghosts, Strippers, Sharks and Flying Reptiles

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Sharks, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 13, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Peelers

Sometimes watching horror movie trailers is better than watching the entire movie. (I suffer from “don’t bore us, get to the chorus” syndrome.) You get all the money shots, snippets of boneheaded dialogue instead of 90 minutes worth — and more importantly — spoilers.

Titanic

How many movies, horror or not, have been ruined by trailers that, in a two-minute bid to sell you on their product, give away the whole darn thing? (When I watched the trailer for Titanic and they showed the ship hitting an iceberg (or possibly Godzilla) of all things and sinking, that gave away every reason I might have had to see the flippin’ thing.)

Here’s a few upcoming (as of right the heckaroo now) horror movies that might command more of my ever drifting attention span. I SAID MIGHT…

PEELERS (2017)
“A small-town strip club owner must defend her bar from infected raiders on closing night.”

That’s a horror movie? Aren’t most people who go to strip clubs, like, pre-infected? Not me – I take baths, man…sometimes before I go into a T-bar (Mary’s Club in downtown Portland). But if you don’t want to live life to the fullest by experiencing one of these vital institutions, try Strippers vs. Zombies (2008). Wash your hands afterward. To do so before is kinda pointless.

Cage Dive

CAGE DIVE (release pending 2016/2017)
Cage Dive follows three friends from California who set out to film an audition tape for submission to an extreme reality game show. To ensure they stand out, they decide to travel to Australia where they will be documenting themselves taking part in a most extreme activity…shark cage diving. While on the dive, a catastrophic turn of events leaves them in baited water full of hungry great white sharks and turns their audition tape into a survival diary.”

Gotta love shark movies that use real sharks. They probably don’t get paid as much as those snobby Hollywood sharks, though. But if these true-to-life biters are as good on the big screen as they are in the killer trailer, bye-bye to all you Sharknado posers. (Or if you live in France, “poseurs.”).

Unspoken

UNSPOKEN (October 28, 2016)
“In 1997 the close-knit Anderson family vanished from their country home without a trace without an explanation. No bodies were ever found and for 17 years the house has remained undisturbed…until now. A sinister tale of haunting and murder, Unspoken is a refreshing twist on the horror genre.”

No it isn’t. Not being a hater here, but refreshing twists on the horror genre are as likely as me winning the jackpot on the Mega Meltdown™ slot machine at the Tulalip Resort Casino. (Only thing I’ve been able to win is dirty looks from the staff.) But if you want a hot slap in the face of sinister haunting and murder, look no further than The Changeling (1980). Put a stain on/in your Old Navy™ pants, it will.

Terrordactyl

TERRORDACTYL (November 1, 2016)
When a meteor shower rains down outside Los Angeles, friends Lars and Jonas head out to find one and strike it rich. After recovering one they’re stalked by Terrordactyls – ancient flying reptiles – that launch a full-on assault on the city. They soon discover there’s more to the meteor than meets the eye…”

Flying Monkeys / Rodan

Flying monsters rock my world. (Flying Monkeys/2013 – craptacular movie, but hey…FLYING MONKEYS!) My wings tend to flap in the direction of Godzilla frenemy Rodan (1956) for sweet flying reptile city destroying action. But hey, I’ll get a boarding pass for Terrordactyl.

Note: The DVD cover says Terrordactyl, but the kicker line says “They want their planet back.” Somebody needs to put an “s” on that airborn noun.

Aliens Should Be Free

Posted in Aliens, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 14, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Aliens vs Titanic

Given how much of my life I’ve devoted to watching horror and sci-fi, you’d think something exquisitely cheesy like Aliens vs. Titanic would automatically move to the top of my viewing list. And I still haven’t seen it. And here’s the shocking reason why: I don’t have cable TV. Yep, most of my movie thrills come from YouTube™, where you don’t have to pay Comcast™ up the whazoo for overpriced and craptacular (ok, I get the irony here) programming.

That said, I first stumbled across Aliens vs. Titanic via a trailer on YouTube™ back in 2012. Made by TomCat Films™ (trying boldly to usurp the craptacular Asylum Films™), I figured it was only a matter of time before someone uploaded it, thereby saving me an embarrassment of riches.

Then time went by and I went on. Then AvT showed up again in 2014 with another trailer. And still no booted copy online. Then IMDB goes and lists AvT as being released in 2015. Still can’t find it anywhere for free. To say this makes my tummy upset is an understatement. Besides boasting a really funny kicker line: “The Unsinkable Meets The Unthinkable,” the movie has a tantalizing plot:

Aliens vs Titanic

“Offering only the finest amenities, the ‘TITAN 1C’ space-cruiser is considered the most luxurious star-liner ever built. Future spring-breakers on board are excited to be touring through space with some of the world’s elite.”

“A sudden meteor storm smashes into the hull, and a deadly biological alien life-form is let loose on the ship. Seeking a suitable host, the retrovirus successfully merges with some the passengers, transforming them into seemingly invincible predators with the ‘touch of death.’ As the ship is destroyed, the surviving passengers crash on a remote planet, and they learn that one of them is infected. They must quickly band together before it has a chance to slaughter them all.”

It’s a crime against my humanity to not be able to see this without paying for it. However, I shan’t give up the fight. So in your face, Comcast™, you monthly price-increasing b-holes.

P.S. I just saw mention online of Jaws vs. Titanic. May the gods shine down upon my head.