Archive for pizza

Sci-Fi Pizza, Apocalypse Santa, Hungry Sinkholes

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 11, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Flying Saucer Pizza

If you’re fortunate enough to live in Redmond, WA, you can order your nutrients from Flying Saucer Pizza (“An Experience in Outer Taste”), a restaurant that features silverware-optional stomach-fillers that combine mozzarella with sci-fi. After eating one of their highly-rated pizzas, you’ll have to loosen your Van Allen radiation belt. Heh.

Flying Saucer Pizza

Founded in 2005, Flying Saucer Pizza in Washington State makes perfect (and clever) sense, since modern-age UFOs first originated here when aviator and businessman Kenneth Arnold became globally known for making what is generally considered the first widely reported unidentified flying object sighting in the UFA (United States of America — you’re welcome) back in 1947 — way ahead of my backward-pants wearing neighbor.

Flying Saucer Pizza

Flying Saucer Pizza features abduction-stimulating names for their meals, like the “Area 51” (Flying Saucer red sauce, whole milk mozzarella, red roma tomatoes, tender artichoke hearts fresh spinach), “Soylent Green” (FSP pesto sauce, whole milk mozzarella, artichoke hearts, sun-dried tomatoes, basil-garlic topped with pine nuts) and “Crop Circles” (Flying Saucer red sauce, whole milk mozzarella, mushrooms, red onion, green and red peppers, black olives, pepperoncini). In all, FSP features 17 sci-fi themed pizzas — and one Earthly, basic cheese pizza. Prices for a 10” pizza (served on a pan that looks suspiciously like a flying saucer) range from $9.00 to $11.50. Good luck getting those prices on Uranus. Bonus: 27 beers on tap. Beam me up today, if possible.

Flying Saucer Pizza

You can order online at flyingsaucerpizza.com, though if you’re outside of the Earth’s atmosphere, your SOL. (Get the sun joke reference? C’mon, that’s pure comedy gold.)

While you figure out how to have one of their pizzas delivered by UPS™, here are a few just-released/upcoming horror and sci-fi movies to snack on (napkins recommended)…

Swamp Terror

SWAMP TERROR (available now)
“Two sisters venture deep into the swamp looking for their long lost father.”

Not to be confused with The Swamp Terrorists, a Swiss electro-industrial “music” group from the ’80s, although you can see the disturbing similarities. As for the plot, yeah, the first place I’d look for my missing dad would be a swamp. (Those things are like inside-out unflushed toilets.) IMBd.com lists this one as having been released in 2014. I was combing my hair that year, so I may have missed it — if IMBd is not fake news. So what’s in a bayou swamp besides location-challenged patriarchal figureheads? Assorted floatables that can eat you, that’s what.

Basement: The Terror Below

BASEMENT: THE TERROR BELOW (available now)
“Shortly after Tim Ritter moves into his new apartment, he hears strange noises coming from the basement. The nightly disturbances and other unexplained events keep him awake almost every night. Sleep deprived and at his wit’s end, Tom buys several video cameras to record whomever or whatever is causing the strange phenomena.”

Dangitall — another found footage movie. Most found footage movies suck camcorder. The only difference here is this one comes from Germany, which means the nightly disturbances in the basement are likely party people binge-watching Der Tatortreiniger on the ’ol fernsehgerät while munching Currywurst flavored chips from an ornate schüssel.

I'm Dreaming Of A White Doomsday

I’M DREAMING OF A WHITE DOOMSDAY (2017)
Kelly and her son Riley, weathering the end times in a bomb shelter amidst the ruin that once was the world. With supplies and hope steadily declining, Kelly makes a horrifying decision that will cause her to discover just how far she would go for her child, and what lurks outside.”

This may or may not be available now. Couldn’t find it on any of the porn tips, uh, movie database sites I frequent. I think, though, that Kelly’s “horrifying” decision would be to go outside. According to the trailer, there are fat, gas-mask-wearing Santa Claus survivors roaming the waistlands with no one left to give gifts to. (Note to apocalypse St. Nicks — you better not use global destruction as an excuse to not come to my house.)

Sinkhole 2

SINKHOLE 2 (pending 2018)
Angry sinkholes attack a small, nondescript town, engulfing people and buildings one by one. These ravenous monsters appear without warning, sucking terrorized townsfolk into oblivion. Enter a seismological specialist with a secret past, hellbent on revenge. He joins forces with the local sheriff, who is on a personal mission to save his own daughter and town. Can this unlikely duo abort these monstrous cracks of death? Will our heroes survive overwhelming forces of nature with potentially explosive consequences? Can they combat a skeptical mayor with ulterior motives who will stop at nothing to serve his own selfish gains?

Sounds like Dirt Jaws. Sinkholes, by the way, also go by another name: “box office.”

Monster Friends

Posted in Classic Horror, Misc. Horror, Vampires, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 11, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

A Real Friend

Películas para no dormir: Adivina quién soy, a 2006 Spanish horror movie, translates to Non-Sleeping Movies: Guess Who I Am? Weird; the name I found this under is A Real Friend. Both are crappy titles that give no insight as to what it is you’re watching. And even after you watch it, you’re still left wondering WTH.(Digital speak for “what the heckaroo.”)

A Real Friend

Tweener Esrtella’s dad died. Her single and still hot mom works double shifts as a nurse and indulges in her naughty whims with the security guard at their apartment buildingm in the romantic parking garage. While her mother is busy getting busy, Estrella, obesessed with horror movies and books, makes friends with Texas Chain Saw Massacre’s Leatherface (she even takes him to school) and a bald vampire who follows her around town. He’s the splitting image of Count Orlok from 1929’s Nosferatu. She calls him simply, “Vampiro.” It suits him.

A Real Friend

Mom (non-mom name: Angela) gets a visit from a drunk, pistol-packing detective who warns her of this “vampiro” (clue: he’s been chasing him for years) who once raped her and later died in prison. He didn’t really croak. In fact, he’s in town for some more illegal lovin’. You can imagine the look on mom’s face when Estrella brings Vampiro home to share a nice dinner of homemade pizza and wine. (He picked all the pineapple chunks off the pizza before consuming. Good — pineapple does not belong on pizza any more than a garlic headband belongs on a vampiro.)

A Real Friend

Dinner goes south, mom gets slapped, Estrella gets sent to bed, and Vampiro forces mom (which oddly she’s kinda up for) into a less than romantic encounter on el couch. It’s here Estrella summons her monster friends: zombies, Mr. Hyde and the real Count Orlock (nifty cameo). A chase scene through the underground parking garage ends with a confrontation with the saw. Man, I sure hope Vampiro doesn’t lose his head over this misunderstanding.

A Real Friend

Despite all the right ingredients, A Real Friend never manages to deliver the pizza. Some blood, a little violence, not enough screen time for the legends of horror… It’s as if this was all in Estrella’s head. Chalk that up to the confusing script, which hints at some big secret behind dad’s passing (never revealed, although you can probably figure it out) and who the heckaroo Vampiro really is. Maybe they should put the pineapple back on this multi-topping pizza and bake it a bit more.

Neighborhood Werewolf

Posted in Classic Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Vampires, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 30, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Never Cry Werewolf

In a plot lifted directly from 1985’s Fright Night, a handsome addition to the neighborhood moves into the creepy house next door to a single mom, her young son and hot teen daughter. Intrigued over potential bulges, the teen chick spies at him through a telescope meant for looking at Uranus. It’s there she sees him bring a hottie home for feeling up purposes in a scene that mimics Fright Night (1985) frame for frame. She immediately suspects him to be a werewolf (FN’s neighbor was a vampire).

Never Cry Werewolf

An intersection of blatantly rubber-stamped events leads up to the werewolf shedding its skin, growing huge metal fangs and looking like an inside-out doggy. Suddenly turning into Rambo, the chick (she looks like Christina Ricci, but not as top-heavy) grabs a nearby gun, some silver bullets that also just happens to be nearby, and blasts the pup into pulp. Everybody thinks TV celebrity ass Redd Tucker did it, but he’s a big phony. (Kevin Sorbo in a cookie-cutter role templated by Roddy McDowall’s TV vampire hunter, Peter Vincent. It’s cool how I know all this stuff.)

Never Cry Werewolf

During the confrontation the gal gets marked by the werewolf and her soul belongs to him for all eternity, blah, blah, blah. The punk rock pizza delivery boy gets turned into the new familiar (complete with nose ring and fuchsia streaks in his fur). The werewolf looks sorta cool, but has a plastic face. The chick is mostly wolf whistle worthy.

Never Cry Werewolf

But the rest of Never Cry Werewolf (2008) is too “been there, chewed on that” to be of much interest. I’m jaded. So what. You try reviewing 1,887 horror/sci-fi movies and see how objective YOU are.

Baby-sitting For The Devil

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Scream Queens, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 22, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The House of the Devil

A college sophomore chick so desperate for money, she takes a baby-sitting job (for $400!) at a double creepy house located way out in the woods. It was a set-up to violently extract her soul. By the time the first act of soul violence happens, just over 60 of the movie’s 95 minutes has gone by.

The House of the Devil

This means it took an hour to establish a girl reluctantly accepting the job in a double creepy house for creepy people on the night of a full lunar eclipse. An hour. I could have read the Necronomicon in that amount of time (the paperback version).

The House of the Devil

While there’s no evil black gunk on the walls or furniture, there is a bloody pentagram in the attic with a few nicely arranged bodies laying around it. Good feng shui. However, with only a few minutes left, they try and cram in as much remaining plot as possible, with the girl being added (tied) to the pentagram by way of a drugged pizza (really?). Some old witch woman is drawing demonic stick figures on her college stomach. This is done using the artistic medium of blood. (Looked like drugged pizza sauce to me.)

The House of the Devil

I was hoping something called The House of the Devil (2009) would actually have the Devil in it. I’ve had more evil times in your grandparent’s place. So if a creepy old dude asks you to baby-sit on a lunar eclipse, tell him you’re busy that night eating drugged pizza and making crank calls on your rotary phone.