Archive for pirate

Lunar Living Dead

Posted in Aliens, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 2, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Plaguers

Of course I believe that the six supermodels rescued from the U.S.S. Diane were hijacked by astro-pirates who killed the entire crew except them. Wouldn’t you?

Plaguers

Answering the distress call, the fuel transport ship Pandora picks up the silver platform boot-wearing hotties dressed in clothes picked up for cheap at a Star Trek rummage sale. No sooner than they’re on board before they reveal themselves as being the pirates. Dang them all to heck.

Plaguers

But what the pirates don’t know is that the Pandora is carrying a green glowing marble the size of a soccer ball called “Thanatos” (way dumb), a virus entity, which when cracked, leaks out Simple Green™ and turns whomsoever into flesh-gulping space zombies.

Plaguers

One by one, the crew fall prey to those infected and do nothing but chase everyone around for the rest of the movie. (I swear the zombies knew the camera was on them because one even stops to strike a pose.) While the zombies in Plaguers (2008) look somewhat decent (demon mouths, oil breath, open sores), I dare you not to LOL when two chicks fist fight each other. I haven’t seen that kind of wimpy b*tch slapping since I got into it with a stubborn twist top.

Ghost Pirate or Pirate Ghost?

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Scream Queens, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , on October 2, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Jolly Roger: Massacre at Cutter’s Cove

Jolly Roger: Massacre at Cutter’s Cove (2005) sports an evil treasure chest (aren’t they all?), which happens to contain an evil pirate ghost who needs to collect 16 heads in order to get back his 16 pieces of gold. Some curses are impractical as to be totally unbelievable.

Jolly Roger: Massacre at Cutter’s Cove

Named Jolly Roger (now there’s some originality), the undead mud-faced pirate goes around slicing heads off. The cops think it’s the work of some law-unabiding teens hopped up on goofers. We know they’re innocent, but why waste an opportunity to lock up a teenager?

Jolly Roger: Massacre at Cutter’s Cove

J-Rog also kills strippers because even though they don’t have sunken chests (sorry, couldn’t resist), he needs to get a little head from them. (Sorry, couldn’t resist.)

Jolly Roger: Massacre at Cutter’s Cove

Roger, Jolly or not, is a poor excuse to franchise yet another wise-cracking horror icon (see what you did, Freddy Krueger?), and is about as threatening as a piranha with dentures. As for the strippers, they were exceptionally awesome.