Archive for Phoenix Lights

UFOs, Gunslingers, Clowns and Snowmen

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Ghosts, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 31, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Phoenix Forgotten

On the eve of April 2, 2017’s Wrestlemania XXXIII (that’s 33 for all you non-Roman numeral types), The Undertaker is back to win again, something he’s done every Wrestlemania except one in the last three-plus decades. It’s rumored that he’ll retire after this match. Can’t say I blame him; one can only be dropped on your head for so many years before your luck runs out and your skull hits the mat like a freshness expired tomato.

The Undertaker would make a great horror movie icon after he hangs up his tights. What screams horror more than “you can’t kill a dead guy”? While you ponder that, here are a few upcoming horror movies that’ll no doubt give you a headache…

PHOENIX FORGOTTEN (April 21, 2017)
“In the spring of 1997, several residents of Phoenix, Arizona claimed to witness mysterious lights in the sky. This phenomenon, which became known as The Phoenix Lights, remains the most famous UFO sighting in American history. On July 23, 1997, three high school student filmmakers went missing while camping in the desert outside Phoenix. The purpose of their trip was to document their investigation into the Phoenix Lights. They were never seen again. Twenty years later, Sarah Bishop, a documentary filmmaker and younger sibling of one of the missing, returns to Phoenix to delve into the their disappearances and the emotional trauma left on those that knew them. Nothing can prepare her for the shocking discovery of a tape from the night her brother and his friends disappeared.”

This sounds exactly like The Phoenix Tapes ’97, right down to the premise of found footage and video cameras that never seem to run out of juice. With four other movies using The Phoenix Lights as a plot device (not counting the numerous documentaries), you’d think aliens would get their lawyers on the copyright case. Given the current state of affairs, it would be a hoot to have an illegal alien sue the U.S.

The Dark Tower

THE DARK TOWER (July 28, 2017)
“The last gunslinger, Roland Deschain has been locked in an eternal battle with Walter O’Dim, also known as the Man in Black, determined to prevent him from toppling the Dark Tower, which holds the universe together. With the fate of the worlds at stake, good and evil will collide in the ultimate battle as only Roland can defend the Tower from the Man in Black.”

Not sure how they’re gonna pull this off as its based on EIGHT Stephen King novels, beginning in 1982, and kitchen sinks it with themes of dark fantasy, science fantasy, horror, and Western. (What — no Acid Jazz Goth?) But hey, it still sounds like a good excuse to sit in a movie theater while munching on light bulb heated popcorn and sipping from smuggled airline bottles of Mezcal.

It

IT (September 8, 2017)
“When children begin to disappear in the town of Derry, Maine, a group of young kids are faced with their biggest fears when they square off against an evil clown named Pennywise, whose history of murder and violence dates back for centuries.”

The clown is about to get down. The original It (1990), based on the Stephen King novel of the same name with 100,000 pages in 37 formats, was a mini series made for sanitized television programming. But the new It is a movie and will probably carry a triple XXX rating. Or maybe an R. Doesn’t matter; as long as it doesn’t water itself down for TV like the original. (Disclaimer — Tim Curry did a pretty good job as Pennywise. Everybody else, not so much.)

The Snowman

THE SNOWMAN (October 13, 2017)
Detective Harry Hole investigates the disappearance of a woman whose pink scarf is found wrapped around an ominous-looking snowman.”

Detective Harry Hole. Sounds like a serviceable porn star name. And Snowmen wearing scarves? That’s pretty fashionable for someone made out of a non-flavored Slushee™. Wonder if it was a nice silk ascot or one of those cheap knock-offs you get at 7-Eleven™? Seems to me, though, that snowmen should be wearing leg warmers. Now THERE’S a timeless fashion statement.

Tailgating Aliens

Posted in Aliens, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 2, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Night Skies

Tailgating on the back of the heavily documented 1997 Phoenix Lights incident, where thousands of people witnessed what was thought to be a UFO over Arizona (but might have just been lights), Night Skies (2008) finds the same light configuration following an RV full of young people lost on a back road.

Night Skies

Looking at said lights instead of the road causes the driver to crash the recreational vehicle into a tree, knocking everyone inside down, one of whom lands on a butcher knife. (I don’t know why more RVs don’t come with butcher knives; It should be standard equipment.)

Outside, dark colored aliens are stalking the humans, making the same burp-chirping sounds those extraterrestrials did in Signs (2002). They must know each other.

Night Skies

The aliens abduct a guy (who has a gun) and a chick, who we earlier found out was pregnant. Regaining consciousness, both wake up on board the UFO (or “lights”) covered in what looks to be half-digested pasta and Super Glue™.

The aliens slather some sort of space paste on the girl’s stomach, which makes her top skin transparent. Now they can see her organs. How embarrassing for her. Then they reach in and take out her impending child. (It’s here where an audible “whew!” sound can be heard, probably from the baby’s reluctant father back in the RV.)

Night Skies

The guy, though naked and covered with party fluids, still has the gun with one shot left. Should he shoot the aliens right in Uranus? Should he cap the chick in the head to spare her the pain of having a lunar abortion? Should he pop someone wearing the same pants size so he can get out of this mess with some dignity?

Better to run outside screaming and shoot at those lights in the sky instead. That’s totally what I would do given the opportunity.

Extraterrestrial Lighting

Posted in Aliens, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 5, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Phoenix Incident

If you were visiting, renting or gassing up in Phoenix, Arizona on Thursday, March 13, 1997 at around 10PM, you were one of the tens of thousands of people who witnessed the Phoenix Lights, the biggest UFO sighting in the history of the entire flappin’ universe. (Except the Pleadies System – UFOs gas up there.)

Phoenix Lights

To commemorate that TRUE event is the indie sci-fi “film,” Phoenix Incident, releasing in March 2016, but after already circulating in foreign countries and cheesy horror movie blogs (ahem) since 2015. Here’s what that incident is about…

“Blurring the line between fiction and reality, the fact based, sci-fi thriller revolves around a military conspiracy and the controversial missing person’s case surrounding the infamous 1997 event.”

“With the support of the victims’ families, along with classified military documentation, cockpit recordings, Air Force pilot interviews, actual FLIR footage, and first-hand recovered video evidence, Phoenix Incident exposes the military’s engagement with extraterrestrial contact, and the collateral damage of four civilians.”

Phoenix Lights

Smart of the movie to include actual footage of the Phoenix Lights on that fateful night UFOs came to town. But why watch the movie when you can see the documentary made by Dr. Lynn D. Kitei, who actually filmed the extraterrestrial visitation and made The Pheonix Lights: We Are Not Alone (2008), a documentary out of it? She has nice hair and washes her hands, so there’s no way in heck she could be lying about this stuff.

Phoenix Lights

Sure, there are those who cry hoax and seek to rob us of The Truth, claiming the lights were nothing more than a fighter jets dropping flares before returning to the nearby Luke Air Force Base, which is military procedure when completing a training mission that wastes taxpayer money. What a flaming load. Why won’t skeptics realize that UFOs often disguise themselves as flares in order to probe our air space without undue attention?

Debunkers suck.