Archive for phenomenon

Meh-galodon, LOL Zombies, The Swimming Dead

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Scream Queens, Sharks, UFOs, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 25, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Meg

So everyone waits for months to see the giant shark movie, The Meg (2018), and in some theaters in 3D. Was it good? Yes and no. (Put the cost to see it in the “no” column.) First, the shark looked pretty realistic and quite “shark-y.” The acting/action was tight, as was the dialogue.

The Meg

So where’s the beef? The filmmakers blew several chances to have the Megalodon really chew up the scenery, if you catch my incoming tide. That whole scene where there are thousands of people on inner tubes in the water should have been a blood bath, with the Meg straining bodies through its mega-mouth like krill. In all, a fail not to show more chewing-with-your-mouth-open and blood-gushing scenes for a shark movie.

The Meg

As neato as the shark looked, the concept art made the swimming mouth look tons more britches-staining. So much so, if I was out on an inner tube drinking a beer and saw this thing in the water, I’d pollute the water. Then the water would be polluted and hopefully scare the shark away. At least, that’s what I’m betting my inner tubes on.

The Meg

So here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not get you banned from community swimming pools. (Still waiting for my appeal to be heard)…

Beyond The Sky

BEYOND THE SKY (September 21, 2018/VOD/Limited)
“A man has a powerful and traumatic connection to alien abductions since his early childhood. He sets out to disprove the alien abduction phenomenon by attending a UFO convention — but then meets someone, who claims to have been abducted every seven years on her birthday, he realizes there may be more to these claims than meets the eye.”

Too bad she wasn’t born on February 29, a leap year, so she could minimize the probing. I’m also thinkin’ that if the guy is out to disprove alien abductions, then why was he so traumatized by it? As my proctologist says, why not go for the ride?

Possum

POSSUM (2018)
“A disgraced children’s puppeteer returns to his childhood home and is forced to confront his wicked stepfather and the secrets that have tortured him his entire life.”

I bet the stepfather caught the budding entertainer working on his lucrative career with his pant puppet. And as we all know, practice makes perfect.

One Cut of the Dead

ONE CUT OF THE DEAD (2018)
“An epic, 37-minute opening single take makes Shin’ichirô Ueda’s feature debut a bright, breezy and laugh-out-loud hilarious zombie comedy. A film crew is shooting a zombie horror flick in an abandoned water filtration plant, allegedly used for human experiments by the military. Just as the director browbeats his actors and demands more special effects blood, a real zombie apocalypse erupts, much to his auteur delight. Packed with meta-movie references as mocking as they are loving, this relentless takedown of the Living Dead genre is a total blast.”

This one came out in November 4, 2017 in Japan, where Godzilla’s day job is in deconstruction (heh). It’s also been raking in a ton of giddy reviews, so when it comes to the States, I’ll have to giddyup and go rent it.

Aurora

AURORA (2018)
“The passenger ship Aurora collides into a rocky shore, destroying the livelihood of an entire island — forcing Leana, the owner of a rundown inn, to work for the victim’s families by finding the missing bodies for a bounty; risking her sister’s life and her own from the dead that will come to shore and find shelter in their home.”

Crud-a-rama — the trailer, which admittedly looks kinda spooktacular, is in sub-titles. I have a hard enough time trying to read the ingredients on a can of Budweiser™. Why can’t they just put “Contents: Beer” and just leave well enough alone? P.S. I didn’t know zombies could swim. Is there the undead can’t do?

Fake UFOs, Horror Teens, Evil Wishing Well

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 4, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Real UFO Crash Footage

Recently pulled up Real UFO Crash Footage (Mooney Vision) on Amazon Prime™. Several things you need to know before stepping in the same pile of I.V.C. (Identified Viewing Crap) I did…

• ALL the footage is of blurry and/or shaky camera stylings.

• Lots of the material has digital UFOs flying above around or into fiery explosions that happened by way of the wrong button being pushed, high-speed left turn into a right turn cloud, or something involving gasoline and matches.

• Most footage contains mega-explosions from stock news broadcasts.

• There’s footage of falling meteors, which are nothing more than God’s marbles.

• Some footage is from the SyFy Channel™ from over a decade ago.

• While it’s true these UFOs are just that (because of the blurriness, you can’t identify what it is that’s flying/not flying), the bait on the hook here is the flying saucer on the cover.

And while you’re fuming over having bitten the hook, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not be blatantly misleading…

The Open House

THE OPEN HOUSE (January 19, 2018/Netflix)
“A mother and her teenage son move into a new house and are harassed by threatening forces.”

Threatening forces could be anything — landlords, neighbors, Mothman, me…  Just need an address. (Disclaimer: I don’t really threaten anyone. However, I will make your lawn die just by standing on it.)

The Devil's Well

THE DEVIL’S WELL (January 23, 2018)
Karla Marks mysteriously vanishes while conducting a paranormal investigation with her husband into the Devil’s Well, an underground location reported to be a gateway straight into Hell, and the site of ongoing strange phenomenon. A year after her disappearance, a group of investigators go back to uncover the truth about Karla, and are faced with evil forces greater than they ever imagined.”

A well is the gateway to Hell? And here all this time I thought the portal to Purgatory was 7-Eleven™. That, or the bathroom door to the men’s room at the Maha (a bar I hang out in, and usually have a priest administer a blessing every time beer needs to be exorcised from thy bladder).

Truth or Dare

TRUTH OR DARE (April 27, 2018)
“A harmless game of ‘Truth or Dare’ among friends turns deadly when someone — or something — begins to punish those who tell a lie — or refuse the dare.”

Sounds like more dumb teen horror. Can’t wait to not watch it.

Nightflyers

NIGHTFLYERS (SyFy Channel™/2018/2019)
“Eight maverick scientists and a powerful telepath embark on an expedition to the edge of our solar system in the hopes of contacting alien life. They travel aboard The Nightflyer — a ship with a small tightknit crew and a reclusive captain. But when terrifying and violent events begin to take place they start to question each other, and surviving the journey proves harder than anyone thought.”

This looks to be a TV series, which is good, because it gives me YET ANOTHER excuse to not get off the couch. Nightflyers is based on George R.R. Martin’s 1980 supernatural novella (short book) of the same name and was actually made into a movie back in 1987. I may or may not have seen it. Hey, I have hair to comb and lawns to mow. I take that stuff seriously.

Super Cars, Rocket Scientists, Evil Elves

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Slashers, UFOs, Witches, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 3, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Justice League

More key art designs for the upcoming Justice League movie (November 17, 2017), this time side profile mug shots of everybody except Superman. I guess they don’t want to give away the fact that Super Dude is coming back from the dead for this one. (He died at the end of 2016’s Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice after tripping on his cape and falling in front of a more powerful locomotive. Tragic.)

Justice LeagueAs expected, the first wave of cross merchandising in advance of the highly anticipated Justice League movie starring Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, Aquaman, The Flash and Cyborg rolls in with action figures and, quite neato, Hot Wheels™ character die-cast cars. (Crossing fingers for Justice League tissue holders.)

Justice League

While the first series of Justice League cars came out in 2012 for $20.00, the new JL Hot Wheels™ cars (releasing November 1, 2017) are the same price, but are cooler. For instance, the Batman car uses echo location instead of GPS. The Superman car is immune to fender benders. The Aquaman car runs on clam nectar. The Flash car comes with its own speeding tickets. The Cyborg car’s real name is KITT (If you’re old enough, you’ll get that joke.) And if you try and look under the hood of the Wonder Woman car, you get a slap on the face.

Justice League

While we wait for these affordable choking hazards, here are a few horror/sci-fi movies and documentaries that don’t even have their logos on lunch boxes…

Chasing Flying Saucers: The Stanton Friedman Story

CHASING FLYING SAUCERS — THE STANTON FRIEDMAN STORY (available now)
“Are flying saucers real? For the past 40 years, Stanton Friedman has been the world’s foremost investigator and lecturer on the UFO phenomenon. He is credited with breaking the famous Roswell UFO case and is a leading expert on the procurement of government UFO documents. This is his story.”

Stanton Friedman’s been my go-to UFO guy for years. For one thing, he’s a former rocket scientist (but makes more bling on the fringe speaking circuit). Secondly, the guy seriously does his research and comes to the table with a stacked deck of facts, the first being that UFOs are real and that we’ve been Air BnB’d by extraterrestrials. Friedman should know; he’s the guy who pulled the pants down on that whole Roswell conspiracy. This isn’t a movie, but anyone wanting to make a UFO flick should watch this. And those who already have made UFO movies, watch Chasing Flying Saucers and go back and re-do everything from scratch.

Beyond The Trek

BEYOND THE TREK (available now)
“A deep space mining vessel has been adrift for two years. It is suspected the crew brutally killed each other, but the reason for the bloodbath is unknown. A rescue crew is sent to find if there are any survivors, what happened and why, but what they discover might make them destroy themselves and the world.”

A Wal-Mart™ version of Star Trek Beyond (2016). So much so, they even patterned their characters after our favorite team of galaxy exploring/laser shooting pioneers — Space Bonanza.

Buckout Road

BUCKOUT ROAD (October 7, 2017/International Black Film Festival)
Buckout Road might be known as the most haunted road in New York State, but nobody really believed it…until now. A college class project on modern mythology turns deadly when a trio of students discovers a series of horrific urban legends surrounding Buckout Road may actually be true. The deeper they dig into the road’s dark, mysterious history, the more dangerous their quest becomes. From witches burning at the stake, to backwoods albino killers, to a modern, unstoppable stalker.”

Gotta be careful with saying this title at box socials, just like “Shiitake” mushrooms and “shih tzu” dogs. (I’m still trying to live down “coccyx”.) As for a “modern, unstoppable stalker, what does that mean — someone who relentlessly follows you around all the time? If that’s the case, then my mailman qualifies.

The Elf

THE ELF (November 7, 2017 (VOD)/December 5, 2017 (DVD)
“Nick is haunted by night terrors stemming from a tragic murder he saw when he was young. After inheriting an old toy shop, Nick discovers a cursed elf doll sealed inside an ancient chest with a naughty list of his family’s names written on it. He soon discovers that the elf was an evil conduit meant to unleash a supernatural killing spree during the Christmas holidays by whoever set it free.”

Christmas horror certainly isn’t in short supply this season, what with Better Watch Out and Red Christmas leading the charge. Last year was pretty good, too, as Krampus (the anti-Santa) was unwrapping skin left and right. And in A Christmas Horror Story (2015), the elves were zombies. I deem that cool. Thought this might be the year of rabid reindeer, but I’ll just have to put that one on my Christmas list for next year.

Camera Killers, Teen Angst Ghosts, Satan’s Better Halves

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Science Fiction, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 31, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Playing With Dolls: Bloodlust

The horror movie flood tides continue to rise, with EVEN MORE releases lining up to un-line your coin purse…

PLAYING WITH DOLLS: BLOODLUST (November 1, 2016 / VOD)
“A group of aspiring actors are chosen for a reality horror TV show. In the show, they must survive being chased by a killer. The program is filmed with scores of tiny cameras in a cabin and the surrounding forest. What the contestants don’t know is that this murderer is a real killer and the television program is a ruse.”

The sequel to Playing With Dolls (2015), wherein a serial killer is decommissioned by an institute for the criminally insane, presumably to go back to his day job. The new one, though, has a much more clever twist. Tiny cameras? That’s flippin’ amazing.

Shut In

SHUT IN (November 11, 2016)
“Mary is a widowed child psychologist who believes she’s being haunted by the disturbed foster child Tom, who ran away while under her care. The haunting episodes take place in Mary’s deserted New England home where she tends to her stepson who is in a permanent catatonic state following a car accident.”

So is Disturbed Tom a vengeful ghost or just a “kid at risk” candidate? And since when is a house deserted when there are people living in it? Color me confused.

The Similars

THE SIMILARS (November 15, 2016 / VOD)
“On the rainy night of October 2, 1968, eight people waiting in a remote bus station for a bus heading to Mexico City start experiencing a strange phenomenon. Threatened by paranoia and fear, the strangers show the best and worst of themselves as they try to unravel the mysterious condition that is invading each of them like a virus.”

I liked this better when it was called The Monsters Are Due On Maple Street (The Twilight Zone, episode #22 / aired March 4, 1960). Exact similar plot. Word to your mother.

Brides of Satan

BRIDES OF SATAN (pending crowd-funding)
Brides of Satan is a cinematic love story to the early exploitation films of the 1960s, The grindhouse revenge thrillers of the 70’s, and the apocalyptic punk rock 1980s. It’s a kitchen sink, genre f*ck – of action, B-movie and horror, featuring a gang of unlikely anti-heroes & heroines. Recommended for fans of Kill Bill (2004), Faster Pussycat Kill Kill (1965), Natural Born Killers (1994), and Death Wish (1974). Project is currently 1/4 into principle photography – we Need YOU to help COMPLETE this modern revenge thriller!”

As of today (October 31, 2016) Brides of Satan has only raised $1,368 from 14 backers on Indiegogo™. With 17 days left on the green mile clock, it might be an economic pipe dream for them to hit their target of $66,666.66. That number seems familiar for some reason and… Oh, I remember – that’s my phone number. P.S. Lend them your bit coins HERE.