Archive for Phantom

Slasher Swimmer, Eating Your Ex, Neighborhood Sharks

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Sharks, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 1, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Jason Voorhees

Like the red balloons tied to sewer drains in homage marketing to It (2017, the life-size statue of Jason Voorhees from the Friday the 13th series placed at the bottom of a popular (but unnamed) diving lake in Minnesota (chained to a boulder and dropped unceremoniously into Camp Crystal Lake in Jason Lives: Friday the 13th Part VI/1986), is beyond cool. If you were diving in the lake and came upon “Jason”, there is a steep probability you’ll end up polluting the water. Confidence is high.

Jason Voorhees

According to news reports, the statue was put there by an unknown fan/prankster (Frankster?) in 2013, where it continues to wait for the right moment to spring out and start knocking over canoes, which I think is unlawful and just plain mean. (P.S. The original film’s Camp Crystal Lake is in New Jersey.)

While we try and top that, here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not belong at the bottom of a lake…

Apartment 212

APARTMENT 212 (March 16, 2018)
Jennifer Conrad is a small-town girl starting over in the big city. Fleeing an abusive relationship, all she wants is a chance to begin again. But it is hard to start over when something is eating you while you sleep…one painful bite at a time.”

Either her boyfriend is a romantic cannibal, or it’s time to call Orkin™. Or, she could just bleach the sheets.

Caught

CAUGHT (March 30, 2018)
“While on an afternoon walk with their children, two small town reporters notice the military camped on a hilltop. Debating the possible significance of this activity, they answer their door when two unusual strangers come knocking and find themselves held hostage in their own home.”

Several theories — the military is there, waiting to capture visiting aliens. Or the unusual strangers could be nothing more than delivery guys for AmazonFresh Grocery™. Or they simply could be Mormons. Or Mormons delivering groceries with a message of hope and upcoming sales.

It Hungers

IT HUNGERS (2018)
“Fact. When people become frightened, their bodies are flooded with a stress hormone called Cortisol. There is a creature that feeds on humans, but only when our bodies are ripe with fear and flooded with Cortisol. Only then does it like the taste of human flesh. Only then will it feed Deep in the forest, a beautiful young woman on the run from the law escapes into the creature’s lair. Like a chef preparing his meal, the creature unleashes a phantom to terrify her. A macabre clown. Once she is terrified enough to be consumed, the creature will move in for the kill. But she is no ordinary girl and she is ready fight to survive.”

Color me ignorant, but isn’t this a bald-face rip-off of It (2017)? (Um, I don’t know what the color of ignorant is — I’m hoping something in a nice mauve, perhaps.)

House Shark

HOUSE SHARK (2018)
“You’re gonna need a bigger house! When Frank finds his happy home under attack by a dangerous but largely unknown breed of shark, he’s enlists the aid of the world’s only ‘House Shark’ expert, Zachary, and a grizzled former real estate agent, Abraham, to embark on a desperate quest to destroy the beast and claim back his life. It’s Jaws in a house!”

Full disclosure — I already flagged this one in August of 2015. Amazing that’s its taking this long to get the “film” out there. So what’s next — Condo Shark? Apartment Rental Shark? Airbnb Shark? If they come up with Flophouse Shark, though, I’m totally in.

Horror Shaken, Not Stirred

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 5, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Slasher House II

You’d think the tens of dozens of new horror movies coming out right now would keep me in a state of perpetual giddiness. It kinda sorta does. But Christmas came early for me in the form of Amazon Prime™ putting up the entire James Bond catalog (minus the Daniel Craig years) for free viewing (if you have a subscription). Don’t worry horror movies, I still like you. But you’re like an ex-girlfriend until I’m done re-watching all the Bond movies for the 12th time each.

So here’s what I’m spying (heh) on the horizon…

SLASHER HOUSE II (2017)
Red has arrived in the big city just time to find herself tied up in an epidemic of vanishing serial killers. But who is taking them and what do they want with the world’s most horrific masked murderers? As Red fights her way through a maze filled with assassins, monsters and maniacs she comes closer to discovering the truth behind the mystery and the mastermind behind the Slasher House.”

A maze filled with “assassins, monsters and maniacs.” Um, isn’t this the same plot as Rob Zombie’s 31 (2016)?

Voice From The Stone

VOICE FROM THE STONE (early 2017)
“Verena, a solemn nurse, is drawn to aid a young boy named Jakob who has fallen silent since the untimely death of his mother nearly a year ago. Living with his father in a massive stone manor in Tuscany, Jakob not only refuses to speak, he seems to be under the spell of a malevolent force trapped within the stone walls. As Verena’s relationship with the father and son grow, she becomes ensnared and consumed by a severe force. If Verena is to save the boy and free herself, she must face the phantom hidden inside the stone.

I talk to rock, too. And rock talks to me. And you know what rocks tell me to do? To rock out. It’s the only conversation needed when conversing with gravel.

Angelica

ANGELICA (2017)
London in 1880. Shop assistant Constance, who lost her parents at an early age, falls in love with doctor and vivisectionist, Dr. Joseph Barton. When their daughter Angelica is born the pair is overjoyed, but the birth almost costs the young mother her life. From now on she must practice sexual abstinence – she is to think of herself as a beautiful garden enclosed by a tall iron fence. Before long her bid to suppress her desires and erotic feelings gives birth to demons. A ghostly being emerges from Constance’s hysterical fantasy; the spirit penetrates closed doors, terrorizing the sleeping child and her fragile mother. When an assistant with para-psychological skills is called to their home, their middle-class world finally falls apart…”

I have two questions: Why would you want to marry a vivisectionist? Secondly, why would you want to become a vivisectionist? Surely, butcher school is a lot cheaper and easier to get a degree in. As for Constance and her “hysterical fantasies,” sounds like she’s just being a normal gal to me. (I’m probably gonna pay for that one.)

Lucifer

LUCIFER (pending 2017)
A young caretaker believes her family is being tormented by the devil after she agrees to write the chilling story of a patient haunted by the relentless demonic being.

Hope the book comes with pictures.

Ice Cream Truck

ICE CREAM TRUCK (summer 2017)
“Mary’s husband gets relocated for work which allows her to move back to her suburban hometown. A local ice cream man with a love of nostalgia starts to kill some of her neighbors. Mary is torn between her mature instincts that something wrong and the distracting memories of her younger days.”

WTF?!? Who cares – ICE CREAM, man! Some people just can’t accept the little pleasures in life without gooning out.

Sewer Phantom

Posted in Classic Horror, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , on January 22, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Phantom of the Opera

The eternally classic Phantom of the Opera (1925) is adapted from the book Le Fantôme de l’Opéra, which I never even looked at because I can’t read French. I assumed I could. My bad.

The Phantom of the Opera

So this opera lovin’ dude has a f’d up face, so he wears a mask and lives in what seems like a million feet below the Paris Opera House where Christine, his muse, sings songs in a really high voice. (You don’t get to hear it as this is a silent movie. Just use your imagination.)

The Phantom of the Opera

The Phantom threatens mega unhappy times if the theater/theatre owners do not let his song bird perform instead of that singing diva c-word, Carlotta. He makes good on the threat by dropping a massive chandelier (fancy name for fluorescent lighting) on the audience during a sold-out show. Dude! 

The Phantom of the Opera

The Phantom, who has been secretly coaching Christine, finally gets the nerve to ask her out, and takes her to his nicely appointed crib in the sewers. (French sewage – loaded with recycled wine, butter and stink cheese.)

The Phantom of the Opera

He tells her not to fixate on his mask and that if she touches it, will totally wreck their relationship. She touches it. Snap! That turned out to be one of horror’s all time kick ass shock moments as the Phantom looks like a mummy with too much eye shadow and lipstick.

Inevitably, the cops show up and beat the arts outta him. Too bad – the Phantom showed serious sequel potential.