Heavy Metal Horror, Bigfoot Booby Trap, Satanic Diapers

What happens when you mix (or “combine”) comic books with horror and heavy metal? A reason to read, that’s what. This is what we’re getting with Black Tape, a new original horror mystery comic series from AWA Studios, telling the “fictional story of miscreant and rock idol, Jack King.” Um, fictional? I thought all rock stars were miscreants. In fact, there is/was a metal band called Miscreant. (Their 1996 album Inside The Beyond could easily be turned into a comic type book.)

From AWA Studios’ press release: “When Jack King dies suddenly at the height of his musical reign and his cause of death comes with neither rhyme or reason, subsequent events paint a picture of a singing superstar caught in a web of lies, addiction, and even the unholy powers of the occult.”

Art imitates life. Written by award-winning comic creator Dan Panosian (Iron Man, Wolverine) and illustrated by renowned international artist Dalibor Talajiæ (Deadpool, Logan), the four-issue Black Tape is situated in 1960s Los Angeles. (I thought ‘60s bands were either jingle writers for hot dog commercials or beatniks. Or both.) 

While we contemplate turning off the TV and reading a comic book (tough choice), here are few upcoming horror movies that may or may not make you bang your head to the hummable, rhythmic nature of heavy metal, or against a concrete retaining wall (same results)…

THE BIGFOOT TRAP / September 1, 2023 (VOD)

“A journalist’s life is changed forever when he’s locked inside a Bigfoot trap by an insane Sasquatch hunter.”

Bigfoot laughs derisively at the irony.

LEAVE / October 28, 2022 (Norway), Release pending 2023/2024 (US)

“A young woman tries to find her origins after having been abandoned as an infant at a cemetery wrapped in a cloth with satanic symbols. But as she gets closer to answers, a malevolent spirit is telling her to leave.”

Looked everywhere but couldn’t find said Pampers™ with pentagrams on ‘em. I did, though, come across a knock-off brand sporting upside down cross skid marks on both the inside AND outside. A malevolent spirit warned me not to buy ‘em, but I was unable to resist temptation. Evil — thy name is clearance sale.

OX-HEAD VILLAGE / Release pending 2022/2023 (VOD)

“After broadcasting a prank about a haunted building on their social media, three girls disappear. Rumors surface that they were victims of The Ox-Head Village Curse, triggering an investigation by two of their friends, desperate to find the truth about what happened.”

Three down, several hundred million to go.

MASTEMAH / June 29, 2022 (France) TBD 2022/2023 (US)

“After a traumatic accident during a hypnosis seance, Louise, a young psychiatric, opens a new office in the middle of nowhere. When she starts analyzing Theo, a dark and mysterious man, people around her start to die. Could she be confronted by the Devil himself?”

Had to look up this one: “Mastema, a personification of the Hebrew word mastemah, is an angel who appears in the Book of Jubilees, and is the father of all evil. He carries out punishments for God, as well as tempting humans and testing their faith.”

In the Book of JuJubes, however, Mastema tempts humans with colorful, gummy candy drops, testing not only their faith, but the sweet tooth as well. As if it needs to be said, those things are wickedly irresistible — and I wouldst like to live deliciously.

No Zip Code For This Ghost Town

A gang of cowboy (and cow lady) thugs shoot up an old west town, killing everyone, even though a local priest is brought in to save them. This would be acceptable behavior for outlaws in the 1800s, except these particular ruffians made a deal with the Devil for immortality. Why, I have no idea.

Jump ahead to yesterday where a college school bus trip accidentally ends up in that same town where the souls of the ghosts are zooming around. Yes, zooming. Armed with a never ending supply of ghost bullets, the cowspooks kill off each teacher and student as if roll-calling attendance.

One kid who has a thing for numbers, determines that there are seven Ankhs (which look like upside-down hangman nooses) strategically anchored around the town, forming a pentagram. (You’d only need four to form a telegram. Heh.) One of the Ankhs was removed, which gives the ghosts the keys to the city.

There’s a Texas burial (put in the ground alive) and a beheading (the new go-to dismemberment), and two horny students impaled to the barn door (a bucket of cold water would’ve had almost the same effect).

But the only thing worse than the characters is the dialogue, premise, dialogue, special effects, dialogue, corny digital blood, and dialogue. When the ghosts appear and disappear, their faces morph into skulls for one second. It won’t take you that long to make Ghost Town (2009) disappear from your TV screen.

Fur Where There Was No Fur Before

Back in the suit-n-tie days, Larry Talbot returns to Wales after finding out his brother died. Larry thinks it’s a good opportunity to reconcile with his estranged father. Nice timing for a family patching as Larry’s about to become the family dog.

While out on the town, Larry buys a stylish walking cane with a silver wolf’s head for a handle. Looks badass. So much so, he uses it to kill a rogue wolf, sustaining a Band-Aid™ worthy wound during the furry fracas. He later learns that wolf was the son of a gypsy, and…(wait for it)…a WEREWOLF! The wolf man curse has now been non-sexually transferred to Larry. And once the full moon rises, no fire hydrants within miles are safe.

Once he finds out he’s behind all the village attacks, Lon Chaney, Jr.’s painfully remorseful Larry Talbot/Wolf Man actually makes you feel sorry for him. But don’t try and pet him soothingly in wolf form as your arm will no longer be yours to swing around at dances and/or flight decks.

The entire werewolf mythology — needing a haircut when the moon is full, silver ammunition (or handles on whacking canes), pentagrams, wolfsbane, neck biting and/or neck ripping — comes from this enduring and resonant story of what happens when you’re bitten by a wolf. And not just any old wolfy flea bag…one that’s cursed.

The ultra eerie woods and clinging fog impose a sense of tangible dread, as does that freaky, old-as-dirt gypsy woman who recites the famous werewolf poem: “He who drinks beer by the light of the moon, turns into a jackass, a moron, a goon.” (Okay, I may have not remembered that poem correctly.)

You probably already saw The Wolf Man, a landmark horror movie, when it came out in 1941. Those of you who haven’t watched since then, do so again. Today if possible. Those of you who haven’t watched it at all, you can’t really call yourself a horror movie fan until you do. The Wolf Man is required viewing, people.

Demonic Doggy

As horror movie “monsters” go, you’d have to dig deep to find one worse than the malevolent mutt in Devil Dog: The Hound From Hell (1978). Beside boasting one of the worst movie titles to ever come out of a movie studio boardroom, the purgatory pup, with horns, looks likes he’s been listening to a bit too much punk rock and dressing like Liza Mannelli.

With no attempt to explain why, a Northern California suburban satanic cult in nutty purple robes buys a female German shepherd, ties her to a pentagram, and invokes you-know-who to use the dog as a host. To what end? To do evil stuff. Duh.

The possessed dog give birth to ten pups, one of which ends up in a middle-class household with shag carpeting for miles: dad, sexy mom, a teen due and a pre-teen tweener. The family dog was just run over, so time to get over it and accept the new little poop maker from a stranger.

A year later, Lucky (slick name) make his eyes glow and bad things happen. The maid catches on fire. Dad nearly sticks his hand into Hollywood lawn mower blades. Prince, the neighbor’s suspicious Great Dane, mysteriously gets chomped to death. Now it’s the Dog Formerly Known as Prince. And yeah, his owner ends up face down in a really nice swimming pool. (It should be noted Lucky stays in regular dog mode and only powers up when he needs to eliminate perceived threats to domain.)

His family now under the spell of Lucky and doing bad things themselves (the son stole a watch, the criminal), dad figures things out and consults a hippie zodiac woman who tells him he’s f’d in the b-hole unless he goes to Ecuador to find a spiritual Indian Shaman in a cave who draws a protective pentagram on dad’s palm.

Dad comes home and draws Devil Dog to the industrial plant where he works in a plush office. Cornered in a room with pipes blowing off a little steam, D-Dog appears all dressed up and about ten times the size he used to be. Hate to clean up after one of his pooping sprees. This, of course, is one of the lamest special effects in modern horror cinema – it’s a projected image, with Lucky barking out his bloodthirsty tales while dad struggles with emoting.

Outside of dad shining his protected palm at Lucky and sending him back to Hell’s Kennel, you already know the “twist” ending – and it has a lot to do with you shutting off the TV.

Baby-sitting For The Devil

A college sophomore chick so desperate for money, she takes a baby-sitting job (for $400!) at a double creepy house located way out in the woods. It was a set-up to violently extract her soul. By the time the first act of soul violence happens, just over 60 of the movie’s 95 minutes has gone by.

This means it took an hour to establish a girl reluctantly accepting the job in a double creepy house for creepy people on the night of a full lunar eclipse. An hour. I could have read the Necronomicon in that amount of time (the paperback version).

While there’s no evil black gunk on the walls or furniture, there is a bloody pentagram in the attic with a few nicely arranged bodies laying around it. Good feng shui. However, with only a few minutes left, they try and cram in as much remaining plot as possible, with the girl being added (tied) to the pentagram by way of a drugged pizza (really?). Some old witch woman is drawing demonic stick figures on her college stomach. This is done using the artistic medium of blood. (Looked like drugged pizza sauce to me.)

I was hoping something called The House of the Devil (2009) would actually have the Devil in it. I’ve had more evil times in your grandparent’s place. So if a creepy old dude asks you to baby-sit on a lunar eclipse, tell him you’re busy that night eating drugged pizza and making crank calls on your rotary phone.

Wolf-Man For President

Jack Whittier, the President’s aide, is sent to Hungary for no other reason that it’s there. While making his way back to the airport to get the hell out of that smell-infested country, his car is run off the road and he’s bitten by a wolf, which we later find out was a gosh-darn werewolf.

Once back in Washington, Jack turns into a marauding, suit-wearing lycanthrope and kills a few people that probably deserved it. (One attack has him on top of a woman’s car at a brightly-lit gas station. Fortunately, no one saw him.)

As luck would have it there are five nights of full moons. Jack’s gooning out and trying to tell everyone he’s the werewolf in the news that’s been biting people. No one believes him. I do, though. When he changes into a silver-haired werewolf in his apartment, he crawls around on all fours and bites the lamp. That’s OK – it was probably a stupid lamp.

In a really confusing plot deviation, wolfman Jack (Hey, I just got that!) makes his way into the White House basement where he encounters the dwarf, Dr. Kiss (no relation to the popular musical ensemble) who’s been experimenting on bodies. Jack sniffs the doctor’s butt and licks his face. This causes the doc to laugh, even though it probably wasn’t in the script.

And speaking of, there are so many laughably bad scenes in The Werewolf of Washington (1973), you have to see it to believe it. Great dialogue, too, as Jack, who’s been boinking the President’s daughter, tells her with a straight face, “I think your father is a cross between Abe Lincoln and Jesus Christ.” Man, you can’t even write lines that good anymore.

The President swears numerous times and eventually gets bitten by Jack. Let’s just say the Pentagon is now the Pentagram. Heh.

Non-Leak Demon

When she was a punk rock teen, a bunch of priests exorcised a devil thingamajig out of Maya (Winona Ryder), and made her wash her face. The experience left her with sensitivity to demons (and soap), so the Holy Men hire her to help squeeze the evil out of other unlucky hosts.

One such guy is a serial killer who just happens to know the name of that who will very soon become Satan himself. Winona/Maya does her homework, finds the Chosen One – and he lives just a few blocks away! How’s that for convenience?

She slowly convinces the for now non-evil dude that he’s about to become evil, and clues – like pentagrams and “visions” – help persuade the guy to kill himself before the stroke of the demonic hour of 4PM.

Lost Souls (2000) crawls like a slug, the hallucinations Winona “sees” are cut-rate computer graphics, and there is an irritating lack of skin the way the Lord intended. The ending is a big bummer as well; we don’t get to see the guy transform into something that leaks pus and shoots flames. Is it asking too much of movie directors to show a little leaking pus and shooting flames? Geez.

Schemin’ Demon

Heartbroken, Justin pines for his girlfriend who was taken to the Seventh Layer of Hell by demons. That always happens when you get a new gal, and some guy who’s hotter comes along and chops your beef.

So Justin, using an evil book given to him by his beloved April (the one now curling her hair in Purgatory), draws a pentagram, lights few candles, sits in the magic circle, and calls upon the demon Lo to come before him to assist his passage waaaaaaay down south.

Lo arrives as a wicked cool creature crawling out of the darkness on his stomach. He has no hair, but has hair on him. The back of his is missing, with rocks protruding where brains might normally be on display. He has black stuff all around his mouth, as though he just ate most, if not all, of an evil cream pie. His other sweet tooth is for human flesh. Delighting in the fact that Justin is a newbie demon invoker, Lo refers to him as “Dinner.” That’s pretty funny.

Lo tricks Justin into drinking a cocktail that will allow the human body to be taken into Hell. It’s really a slow-acting poison served with a green olive and poured over ice. Justin doesn’t care – he just wants to see his girlfriend. (Yeesh, talk about whipped.) What happens next is surreal, unexpected and downright smarty brilliant.

You haven’t seen anything like Lo (2010). Don’t go in expecting traditional horror, but savor the way horror is presented in this uniquely creative tale of how love is nothing but Hell. Cool – I just sounded like an actual critic. Look at me, I’m a “film” reviewer.