Archive for pension drunk

A Yucky Monster

Posted in Classic Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 31, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Beast of Yucca Flats

Joseph Javorsky, a Soviet scientist, defects to the U.S. Welcome to the land of 24-hour liquor stores, Joe. While being chased to death by his former KGB neighbors through the Yucca Flat desert, he stumbles onto a nuclear testing range. Nice timing – an atomic bomb was being exploded for commercial applications.

The Beast of Yucca Flats

Patches of Joe’s skin gets flambéed, but his white shirt miraculously withstands the devastating effects of nuclear radiation. For no other reason than to give him something to do, Javorsky wanders around like a pension drunk and becomes a maddened “beast” who strangles everyone he meets.

The Beast of Yucca Flats

Then some guy with military experience goes up in a small plane and shoots at anything that moves, which happens to be a father out looking for his lost sons. Dad himself gets shot several times, but doesn’t bleed or die. Javorsky, though, dies at the end, with a little desert bunny hopping around his corpse. Bunnies are so darn cute, especially fuzzy ones. (Bald bunnies, not so much.) Wonderin’ why the bunny wasn’t mutated after hip-hopping around the testing range. Maybe this species has lead fur.

The Beast of Yucca Flats

The Beast of Yucca Flats (1961) was filmed without sound and all the zinging gunshots, sound effects and dialogue were added later. I’m all for saving a buck, but this is below low. Worst movie ever? If not, it’s definitely next in line.

Brown Bag Demonic Possession

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 19, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Vatican Tapes

The Vatican Tapes, a horror movie about demonic possession and the mocking of the collection plate, is scheduled for release May 22, 2015. Praise be unto film distributors.

There have been a number of religion based horror (or horror based religion) lately. Too many for me to list as I’m hungry and would rather research a sandwich made with hole-y cheese. (Heh.) And since no movie about demon possession can ever top The Exorcist (1973), the rest come across as savory as a communion wafer. But hey, whatever floats your soul.

The Vatican Tapes

The Vatican Tapes concerns the haunting tale of 27-year-old Angela Holmes, who accidentally cuts her finger and ends up in the emergency room. Man, I hope she has insurance because the emergency room is out-of-pocket expensive. And the waiting room stinks, filled with the stench of pension drunks filled with holy spirits (i.e., $2 fortified wine).

Anyway, infection sets in and leads to erratic behavior, and Angela has a devastating effect on anyone in her general direction, causing serious injury and death. Both can be harmful to your long-term health.

The Vatican Tapes

Priests, who took the vow of silliness, examine Holmes and believe she is possessed. But when the Vatican is texted to exorcise the demon, the possession proves to be an ancient satanic force more powerful than they imagined.

The Vatican Tapes

Movies with this theme all seem to operate under the same business model and come across as pointless given the inevitable set-up: Good vs. Evil, blah, blah, blah. Ironic that most possessions can be attributed to $2 fortified wine. More so when chugged from the Chalice of Benediction, which usually comes in a handy twist top bottle and conveniently wrapped in a brown paper bag.