Kaiju Chums, Wrathful Windmills, Woodland Cults

Godzilla vs. Kong 2 isn’t just a fevered dream of, say, someone who might drink a LOT of beer, it’s also happening…for real. Now filming in Australia (or “Hollower Earth ”), GvK2 is slated for release on March 15, 2024. In impatient fan years, that’s like 100. (Note: The above graphic is NOT anywhere near being the official ad sheet. I hereby divest myself of any and all blame.)

Here’s what they’re telling us about the biblical event thus far: “The new movie pits the almighty Kong and the fearsome Godzilla against a colossal undiscovered threat hidden within our world, challenging their very existence – and our own. It will delve further into the histories of these Titans, their origins and the mysteries of Skull Island and beyond, while uncovering the mythic battle that helped forge these extraordinary beings and tied them to humankind forever.”

I need to take a cold shower. Before I do, I’m seeing the movie might also be called Godzilla and Kong and Godzilla and Kong: Origins, suggesting these two city-wrecking rascals are now BFFs. Cute. I’ll check Instagram™ for their selfies and hug-it-out posts. 

While we’re forced to wait for the future to hurry up and get here right the f-word now, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not induce fever dreams brought on by beer… 

MIRAL / Out now (VOD)

“A family on a car journey runs into trouble in a windmills farm. The husband tries to save them from mysterious occurrences that are happening.”

A windmill is a structure that converts wind power into rotational energy by means of vanes called sails or blades, specifically to mill grain. Unless that milled grain is used to make evil sandwich bread and/or delicious, artificially-colored breakfast cereals, not seeing the point here.

THE LONG DARK TRAIL / Release pending 2022 (VOD)

“After two impoverished teenage brothers manage to escape their abusive father, they embark on a treacherous and haunted journey in the hope of finding their estranged mother who has joined a sadistic cult, deep in the woods of Northwest Pennsylvania.”

Impoverished. I’ve used that word lots of times when settling up a bar tab, “Sorry — I seem to be a little impoverished this week. Can you cover me until pay day?” Works every time. 

T BLOCKERS / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“When ancient parasites that thrive on hatred rise from beneath a small town, taking the most fearful and susceptible as hosts, a young trans filmmaker struggling to transition in increasingly hostile times for LGBTQ+ people, finds herself the only one who can sense the possessed, and rally the resistance before the horror escapes and spreads.”

Given the repugnant level of hostility for the for LGBTQ+ community these days, the hate-seeking ancient parasites just hit the bottom of the barrel jackpot. 

ATTACHMENT / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Maja, a has-been actress in Denmark, falls in love with Leah, a young, Jewish academic visiting from the UK. When Leah suffers a mysterious seizure, Maja fears their whirlwind romance might be cut short and decides to follow Leah back to her home in London. There, Maja meets her new downstairs neighbor: Leah’s mother, Chana. An overbearing, seemingly religious and highly secretive woman, Chana seems resistant to all of Maja’s attempts to win her over. And as Maja notices strange occurrences in the building, she begins to suspect that Chana’s secrets could be much darker than first anticipated.”

It always makes me heart sad when seizures and strange occurrences get in the way of whirlwind romances.

The Final Dead, Evil Clothes, Sex Zombies

Proceed with caution as there be spoilers ahead. For those who are hardcore (or even casual) Walking Dead fans, the final episode of Rick Grimes (Andrew Lincoln, whose father-in-law is hippie flute player Ian Anderson of Jethro Tull) was kind of a swerve.

Impaled by re-bar and barely escaping a herd/horde of walkers, Rick, bleeding out like a stuck pig, keeps passing out and hallucinating. Sounds like a night out at The Tug Tavern. Several past characters return to offer advice and to yell at him to wake up. Then he blows up a bridge over troubled waters, which cause a ton of zombies to cannonball into the raging river below.

Did Rick go ka-BOOM during the explosion? Not according to the last scene, which I won’t reveal. But it’s already in the works Rick will be back in not one but three impending Walking Dead movies, as well as directing a few episodes.

This is good news as I didn’t want Rick to go ka-BOOM. While we ponder the future of The Walking Dead without him, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make you wanna jump off a bridge…

CAM (November 16, 2018)
“An ambitious cam-girl wakes up one day to discover she’s been replaced on her show with an exact replica of herself. As this copy begins to push the boundaries of Alice’s Internet identity, the control that Alice has over her life, and the men in it, vanishes. While she struggles to regain what she’s lost, she slowly finds herself drawn back to her show and to the mysterious person who has taken her place.”

Okay, that’s gotta feel weird, being replaced by yourself. If that happened to me, I’d tell that guy to get a haircut and wear something else besides KISS T-shirts day in and day out for months at a time.

UGLY SWEATER PARTY (November 23, 2018)
On Christmas Eve at a campsite deep in the woods, an ugly sweater party is in full swing. Best friends Cliff and Jody arrive expecting some mistletoe action from the sexy twins who invited them, but soon realize that they are at a Bible camp. To make matters worse, Cliff is wearing a sweater possessed by the ghost of notorious serial killer Declan Rains. While the evil sweater slowly possesses Cliff, Jody also realizes that the party guests aren’t as innocent as they first seem.

An evil sweater. Welcome to the bottom of the barrel.

ARCTIC (February, 2019)
“A man stranded in the Arctic is finally about to receive his long-awaited rescue. However, after a tragic accident, his opportunity is lost. He must then decide whether to remain in the relative safety of his camp or to embark on a deadly trek through the unknown for potential salvation.”

Unless a polar bear eats his head off and snacks on his entrails as if unheated lasagna.

RABID (2019)
“Rose, a young woman who, after an accident leaves her scarred beyond recognition, undergoes a radical untested stem-cell treatment. While turning Rose into the belle of the ball, the experimental transformation comes at a price.”

A remake of David Cronenberg’s same-named 1977 classic, which was a remake of his 1975 sex zombie movie, Shivers (1975). Check out the plot: “The residents of a suburban high-rise apartment building are being infected by a strain of parasites that turn them into mindless, sex-crazed fiends out to infect others by the slightest sexual contact.” Forget condoms — wear a wet suit.

Man Skunk, Twin Ghosts, Hobo Maniacs

Yeesh, 2016 was a craptastic year. Good year for horror, though. Here’s some upcoming and uplifting new horror flicks to cleanse the palette for 2017…

I WAS A TEENAGE WERESKUNK (available now)
“Wholesome teenager Curtis Albright’s world is thrown into chaos when he’s sprayed in the face by an enchanted skunk. Now whenever Curtis feels sexually aroused — which is damn near constant for a teenage boy — he turns into a MURDEROUS WERESKUNK!”

An enchanted skunk. Just when you think you’ve seen everything. Still, this one sounds pretty funny. Hope it doesn’t stink. Heh.

SADAKO VS KAYAKO (available now in Japan / January 26, 2017 on Shudder)
“After watching a cursed videotape, Natsumi has only two days before she will be killed by demonic entity Sadako. Her only hope is to pit Sadako against Kayako, a menacing spirit that inhabits a haunted house.”

Sadako from The Ring series and Kayako from The Grudge series are practically the same vengeful, long black hair ghost thingamajig and collectively have appeared in two dozen prequels, sequels, reboots and remakes. Makes sense to get ‘em in a box office lock-up, ala Freddy vs. Jason (2003). Heck, they can even share clothes and hair tips.

POOL PARTY MASSACRE (2017)
“When Blair, a high maintenance young socialite invites some friends over to her parents house for an intimate pool party, they are unaware that a serial killer is hiding inside the house. What started out as a relaxing summer day by the pool quickly turns into a nightmare as the unknown killer begins to stalk and murdering the young girls one by one.”

Not a lot of plot. But hey, watching over-privileged snots get Cuisinart’d isn’t a bad way to waste time.

PARASITES (JANUARY 24, 2017/VOD)
“The industrial barbarianism of downtown Los Angeles is equal parts player and punisher in this survive-at-all-costs tale of a group of friends who get lost in the seedy streets where they encounter a crazed gang of homeless derelicts that captures and maims them one-by-one. One lucky man escapes on foot, naked and unarmed, with a pack of depraved transients in pursuit, staying only seconds ahead. Clinging to sanity and reduced to helpless prey, with only instinct to guide him, can he survive this coliseum of horror?”

Industrial barbarianism. Sounds like a metal sub-genre. The songs practically write themselves. Time to start a band.