Archive for Old West

Gunslingers vs. Bloodflingers

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Misc. Horror, TV Vixens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 10, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Billy The Kid vs. Dracula

Billy The Kid vs. Dracula (1966) — seems like a match-up match made in heaven: cowboys ’n capes. Not much of a versus, though, when bullets — the tried ’n true methodology of Old West gunslinger Billy The Kid — have about as much effect on Dracula as mosquitoes do on to buffalo home on the range. 

Billy the Kid vs. Dracula

Dracula, traveling to fresh, out west blood supplies by stagecoach, seizes an opportunity to impersonate a hot chick’s uncle after Indians slaughtered the passengers. (The gruesome stuff not shown.) The hot chick just happens to be the fiancée of Billy The Kid, who changed his name to simply William because he’s totally p*ssywhipped.

Billy The Kid vs. Dracula

Dracula, smoother in life than the rubber bat he transforms himself to get around in, f’d up earlier by sucking to death the daughter of traveling Russian immigrants. The grieving parents get jobs at the Bentley Ranch (owned by ’ol Hot Chick Bentley), and do their best to keep Dracula away from Elizabeth (aka, Hot Chick) who just happens to look exactly like Dracula’s ex. I know, a bit plot messy. Stay with the group.

Billy the Kid vs. Dracula

A few face punches, some “meh” gun play (I expected more from B the K), and zero blood and/or graphic displays of neck-sucking. And Dracula, with his rolling eyeballs and late night behavior, is more hammy than a barnyard pig. I expected more from a over-pontificating creature of the night.

Old West Paranormal Justice

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 22, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Legend of the Phantom Rider

Three 1800s era outlaw cowboys (two with unbrushed cowboy teeth, one with an Adam Ant coat) kill a man and his son, rapes the wife, and pretty much ruins their day. The cowboys then ride into town and start hacking hands off people, shooting them in the face, arms and neck, and drink all the town’s White Zinfandel.

Legend of the Phantom Rider

Later, the woman who was violated wanders into the same town the bad cowboys have taken over. What are the odds of that happening? But there’s something weird about this woman — and it’s not the fact she has brushed teeth and everybody else doesn’t. There’s an eerie high-pitched buzzing sound that goes off like a clearance-sale smoke alarm whenever the head cowboy wearing the Adam Ant coat gets near her.

Legend of the Phantom Rider

More vicious assaults happen, complimented by schoolyard swearing. For instance, the town’s 90 year-old judge tells the bad cowboys to go “F” themselves, and gets blasted into Swiss cheese for his insubordinate language. The bad cowboys grow in numbers. The town is in shambles. Where is Aquaman when you need him?

Legend of the Phantom Rider

The answer arrives in a long-haired, black hat-wearing, no-talking cowboy with a melted face (nope, not Jonah Hex or Aquaman) who draws his gun so fast, you can’t see it. From here you know what’s in store for those who would infect the Old West with so much wrongness. Everyone gets a heapin’ helping of justice, the town undertaker has job security, and wagon trains of much needed toothpaste is on the way.

Legend of the Phantom Rider

In all, Legend of the Phantom Rider (aka, Trigon: The Legend of Pelgidium/2002) is full of harsh, old time-y violence that’ll make you wince. Too bad the eerie melty cowboy didn’t have flaming tumbleweeds shoot out his mouth and fry those bad guys. I really would’ve liked that. As it is, a decent enough paranormal spin on the Western theme.

Metaphysical Cowpoke

Posted in Misc. Horror, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , on November 20, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Jonah Hex

A Union soldier turned ruthless bounty hunter, Jonah Hex had his face turned into a grilled cheese sandwich with a fresh branding iron after helplessly watching Old West terrorist Turnbull roast his wife and son in an indoor campfire.

JOnah Hex

Tied to a stake and about to be turned into a steak, Hex was left to be this week’s daily lunch special for the pigeons. But something mystical happened and he was caught between the land of the living and the land of the dead. These days we call it a work week. Now Hex can talk to the dead simply by touching them — and not just in the bathing suit area.

Jonah hex

Revenge is the word of the day and Hex goes after Turnbull, who has the Nation Killer weapon in his control and plans to blow up Washington on the 4th of July, celebrating its 100th birthday. Pretty much the complete opposite of patriotic. The government needs Hex to stop Turnbull and will pay him to do it. Fight fire with fire. And grilled cheese face sandwiches.

Jonah hex

The action in Jonah Hex (2010), pretty much the cowboy version of The Crow (1994), is frustratingly lackluster given the players and Hex getting his saddle warmer beaten more than once. And Hex’s hooker girlfriend who doesn’t undress for work is nothing short of insubordination. Whoever made this cow pie should be sentenced to clean it up.

Ghosts Riding Shotgun

Posted in Evil, Ghosts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 24, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Haunting of Winchester House

The young married couple moving into the notorious Winchester House knew the place was haunted, and yet they bellyache a blue streak when demonic ghosts take their 12 year-old daughter into a closet and never comes out. Serves ’em right, the disbelievers.

Haunting of Winchester House

The house, thought to be plagued by the spirits of all the people who expired after being shot by one of Sarah Winchester’s late husband’s kick ass rifles (it’s how the West was won), was constructed with profits from said gun sales to keep adding more and more rooms to the sprawling mansion to rent out to more ghosts. A run-on sentence, but this is fact. (I totally saw it on the History Channel™.)

Haunting of Winchester House

A neighbor offers his paranormal detective services. (He even has a business card to prove it.) As a soul brother (no pun intended), he sports a stylin’ medium grade afro. Who wouldn’t want his help? But it’s the butler (?) who leads them to the attic where they see a replayed tragic past event unfold, which gives painfully obvious clues as to the ghost flap.

Haunting of Winchester House

Haunting of Winchester House (2009)  is full of stuff you could’ve predicted without a degree in ghostology. And the spirit sequences/spooky effects are as old as the 1884 house itself, to say nothing of the wooden acting chops of all involved. (Except ghost Sarah — she’s got some cool polter-chops.)

Winchester House

Leaving the crowded mansion, mom, dad and their freshly-rescued daughter walk outside, only to find… I’ll just say this — it’s a Sixth Sense (1999) moment that, while kinda neat, doesn’t excuse this tedious, barely-a-story ghost story. Better to visit the real Winchester House (in San Jose, CA) and hang out with real ghosts.

Time Traveling Hookers

Posted in Fantasy, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on April 3, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Timegate: Tales of the Saddletramps

Timegate: Tales of the Saddletramps (1999) a loose interpretation of sci-fi, finds two restlessly horny wives whose attempts at seduction with their workaholic hubbies fall on limp sheets.

Conveniently, they discover a magic mirror that transports them back 100 years to the Old West where they find they’re new recruits at a bordello. (The script writers must be paid in Ferraris.)

Timegate: Tales of the Saddletramps

“But Grace…we’re prostitutes!” frets horny girl #1.“I know – don’t you just love it?” giggles horny gal #2. If there’s a plot that outlines the rest of the movie, I haven’t found it. The plentiful boobs are visually tasty, but tragically the sex scenes are all but Disney-esque.

Rent Saddletramps to get your girlfriend/wife/Old West hooker in the mood without grossing her out. For the rest of us that prefer our sci-fi to be a lot more hardcore, this one stays in the past.