Archive for Ogre

Gigantic Giant Giants

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 7, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Big Man Japan

Daisoto is a 40-year-old introverted, divorced Japanese bachelor living in a pig-pen of a house, sitting in the park and eating the same meal every day. (Yeesh — that hits a little too close to the bone.)

Big Man Japan

Daisoto, turns out, is the last of a long line of giant monster killers. When a new Costco™-sized foe threatens Japan, the Department of Defense calls Daisoto and off he goes to a nearby power plant to get electrodes hooked up to his nipples and one million volts applied thusly.

Big Man Japan

This causes him to grow into a giant with several-story tall Eraserhead/Kid ‘N Play hair wearing a pair of stunningly purple Samurai diapers and the occasional advertising sticker on his chest. His only weapon: a telephone pole-sized steel club. He needs it — the colossal creatures that arrive out of nowhere to rearrange the city’s landscape are adversarial — and some of the most freakishly unique monsters ever seen in any country with tall knock-downable buildings.

Big Man Japan

There’s the Strangling Monster, a nearly indescribable ogre with expanding cables for arms, which it uses to throw around buildings and back flips them. It also has a comb-over. Then there’s the Stink Monster, a female creature that emits the smell of 10,000 feces. It also acts as a perfume-like attractant to other monsters. The beast Daisoto doesn’t want to face, though, is The Red One, a mega-tough child-devil creature that could end the career of Big Man Japan, thereby leaving the city unprotected and chest advertisers un-advertised.

Big Man Japan

Played as deadpan humor and as a tongue-in-cheek take on Japanese giant monster movies, you gotta see these things as there’s nothing you can compare ’em to. Except YOURSELF. I kid. Oh, and the reason his neighbors hate him so much? When in giant form Daisoto causes more destruction than he stops, uses up way too much electricity, is horrendously loud, and is not the sharpest chopstick in the drawer.

Big Man JapanWatch Big Man Japan (2009) and put it in the “WTF?” category. In the next few minutes, once you’re done hooking battery cables to your chest parts. P.S. Don’t really do that.

Thong vs. Wrong

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 3, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Witch's Curse

In The Witch’s Curse (1963), an Italian fantasy horror sword ’n sorcery thong fest, a freshly-married couple arrives in a Scottish village (where no one has an accent) and everyone believes the woman of them to be the reincarnation of a 500 year-old witch. So burn they must.

The Witch's Curse

But wait, isn’t that Hercul…uh, no, guess not. It’s Maciste, a man of strong man in a thong. He’ll tell us what to do. He half-ass rescues the couple and in order to get to the bottom of this witch B.S., he goes to a cursed tree, pushes it over, revealing a well-lit hole that leads to…HELL. What the heck – another adventure.

The Witch's Curse

Descending into the Earth’s alimentary canal, Maciste (what a metro name) battles a Sasquatch Wild Boar Man, who gets in a few slobber-knockers. Then he runs into another Hercul…uh, a strong man in a thong, whose chained up with a vulture eating/pecking his guts. That doesn’t stop him from carrying on a conversation with Maciste, though. Maciste also takes on a lion, a giant ogre, a cyclops and a herd of charging Texas Longhorns (!) before forcing the witch to lift her curse.

The Witch's Curse

Meanwhile, the married couple on the Earth’ surface are being burned at the stake. Can Maciste get there before this campfire banquet reaches its charcoal-y conclusion? Is there a way to possibly make it rain on the fire but not everyone else? Will Maciste ride off into the sunset on a horse that’s clearly not his? If you can’t figure out the answers to these burning questions, I hereby curse you for 500 years.

Day-glo Ogre

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Fantasy, Foreign Horror with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 7, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Legend of Ogre

When one thinks of an ogre, it’s usually visualized as something that looks like a WWE wrestler after he’s lived in a garbage landfill for years, while wearing a diaper made out of a bear. It might also have one or fewer eyes and a Fred Flintstone club for hitting diaper-providing bears.

The ogre, though, in Legend of Ogre (aka, Kijo Densetsu/2003) is a young Japanese girl with hot pink long hair, a gray complexion and dressed in pajamas three sizes too big. Worse, the story about the punk rock ogre unleashing hell is as lame as the fake wig she wears.

Two high school girls and their female teacher go to a village out in the woods to study regional folklore. Their cell phones don’t work that far into the woods. Right outta the gate – BIG problems. Upon arriving, a screamy old woman runs up to them and speaking louder than normal, starts yelling “Ominous, ominous!” I don’t know what that means. Staying in a vacant house the girls snoop around and open a storehouse, which unleashes unimaginable horrors and…uh, yeah – not even close.

Kijo Densetsu

The pink-haired woman was locked up (or “imprisoned”) in the storehouse, even though she saved the village from a red dragon (told, not shown) many moons ago. Now that she’s free to model her pajamas, there’s much ominous-ing to get caught up on.

The teacher dies, as did my patience for something cool to happen. (I actually fell into a deeper sleep twice while napping through the tedious non-action.) Legend of Ogre was made with one of those consumer digital video cameras, so it looks like your neighbor filmed it. From the half-baked storyline to the day-glo hair, everyone needs to go back in the storehouse and reflect on what they’ve done.