Archive for oatmeal

Large And In Charge Halloween, Family Devils, Dancing Werewolves

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 5, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Torrid.com

Torrid.com, a fashion site specializing in clothing for plus-sized women, just came out with this season’s Halloween costume line. In your face, stupid body shamers!

Ladies, in any size/shape, are all Wonder Women — and Torrid even has the WW costume to back that up. You can also get cool Halloween-wear like Maleficent (complete with those sweet curvy horns), Spider-Girl (it’ll make the fellas web their pants), Voodoo Doll (guys — if you see a gal wearing this, you may start feeling a small prick), and the fashionable-year-’round Bat costume.

Torrid.comSo the next time you wanna make disparaging remarks about a woman’s looks and/or size, remember the irony — people who do this have fat heads.

Here are a few now available/upcoming horror/science fiction movies to give you something better to do…

Don't Let The Devil In

DON’T LET THE DEVIL IN (available now)
“After being relocated from the city to a small Appalachian town in order to oversea the development of a casino, Land Developer John Harris and his wife, previously warned there would be resentment within the community, soon find themselves entangled within a tapestry of pure evil that lurks within.”

Tapestry of pure evil. How can you resist a line like that? It’s right up there with “drapery of doom” and “a carpet of carnage.” Kinda makes me wanna give my apartment a makeover.

Bunnyman Vengeance

BUNNYMAN VENGEANCE (October 20, 2017/VOD)
“The man known as Bunnyman returns home to find his family running a haunted house attraction. The family welcomes him home, but soon realizes you cannot domesticate a wild animal. Death and mayhem ensue as the family turn on one another to fulfill their bloodlust.”

The third in a trilogy of a serial killer wearing a dirty Easter bunny costume. Didn’t think they had two more in ’em after the first one. But hey, when is a slasher in a kill-stained bunny outfit not entertaining?

Dances With Werewolves

DANCES WITH WEREWOLVES (October 31, 2017/VOD)
“Cassie flees an abusive relationship and falls victim to a moon-worshiping 600 year old Romanian Countess. A troubled paranormal investigator of Native American heritage finds himself in a deadly love triangle with a battered-woman werewolf.”

This title sure gets around: movies, books/adult fiction memoirs, paranormal crime paperbacks, animated cartoons, YouTube™ videos of werewolves dancing to The Bee Gees’ “Stayin’ Alive” mega disco hit… There’s even funny fake movie posters online riffing on Kevin Costner’s Dancing With Wolves 1990 movie. (He’s kinda convincing as a hunter of man-beasts.) But this one features Phantasm/horror icon Angus Scrimm in his last role before passing away in 2016 at the age of 89. You’re never too old to dance/do battle with werewolves.

Itsy Bitsy

ISTY BITSY (2018)
Kara moves from New York to the quiet countryside with her two children for a job opportunity she can’t afford to turn down. The family moves into their humble new guesthouse. Kara begins her work as a private nurse to Walter, a man stricken with multiple sclerosis and an appraiser of rare antiquities with a secretive past. Doom precedes them. Akiba, a shady international associate of Walter’s, brings with him a mysterious relic of ancient origin. All too quickly they discover the relic contains more than just legends. Inside, waits a terrifying creature born of ancient darkness and pure instinct…a prehistoric cave spider unlike the modern world has ever seen.”

Spiders existed in prehistoric times? Stink beetles, sure. But eight-legged bugs? Sounds so made up. (This is what happens when you watch too many horror movies and your brain turns into oatmeal.) I hope the cave spider looks like/grows to the size of a dinosaur. I think dinosaurs may have existed in prehistoric times. Gonna have to click on something to verify. But not right now. For some reason I’m craving a bowl of oatmeal.

Facing A Faceless Face

Posted in Classic Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 21, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Fiend Without A Face

The faceless fiends in Fiend Without a Face (1958) remind me of that old Richard Pryor joke where men spend the first nine months of their lives trying to get out of the womb, and the rest of their lives trying to get back in. That’s pretty funny.

Fiend Without A Face

The previously invisible creatures eventually materialize into extra large brains with a spinal cord tails. And while they aren’t exactly trying to get back into heads, they do suck your brain and spinal cord out through two “bite marks” in the back of your neck to make more mind mates.

Fiend Without A Face

These creatures were once manifested thought brought to solid life by lightning quality electricity, the byproduct of an old fart professor scientist who had been experimenting with using his mind without his hands for decades. Big deal – I’ve been manifesting solid farts since birth.

Fiend Without A Face

For the first two-thirds of the movie you only hear this faceless creature (loud heart beats that sound like clopping footsteps), rustling leaves, torn screen doors, etc. Then you see their victims clutch the back of their necks as if being hammer-locked by an entertainment grade pro wrestler, and then immediately dying with eyes wide open and mouth agape as their brains and spinal columns are slurped out.

Fiend Without A Face

Major Jeff Cummings of the U.S. Airforce stationed in Winthrop, Manitoba, Canada for atomic energy testing next to Canadian cows, Canadian farms and Canadian Canadians called the attacks on the locals as being the work of mental vampires. (I know a lot of those.) To buy time before the brains become visible enough to fight, he spends his time mackin’ on the professor scientist’s hot assistant. (She resists at first, but then later gives up the sugar.)

Fiend Without A Face

The best part of this clunky sci-fi classic is when the brains corner a few military brass, the professor, who just moments ago confessed to creating the monsters in a concise and believable back story, a panicky local old fart, and the hot assistant.

Fiend Without A Face

Boarding up the one window and blocking the door, the brains – flying like mental Frisbees™ – get in through the fireplace chimney and punched holes in the windows. When shot by the military guys, these brains got big time splat and stop-motion dissolve into red-stained oatmeal. This is the same method used on those ick demons in The Evil Dead (1981).

So if you wanna see flying brains, guns and oatmeal splat, you don’t have to go much further than Winthrop, Manitoba, Canada.

Ghost Toll

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 5, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Pay The Ghost Nicolas Cage is dipping his actor’s spoon into the paranormal oatmeal again, this time with the supernatural thriller Pay The Ghost, in which he deals with a vengeful poltergeist that abducts kids.

Nic’s been on both sides of the polter-fence before, starring as the title character in two Ghost Rider movies (2007 and 2012). Both are cheesy, campy, goofy and a serious guilty pleasure. I think I just described my entire life in five words.

So here’s how Nic ante’s up to Pay The Ghost: “Almost a year after his young son suddenly disappeared from his side during a Halloween parade in New York City, Mike Cole (Nicolas Cage) is inexplicably haunted by terrifying visions of his son and begins to sense his presence in frightening ways.” Pay The Ghost “Sparked to action, Mike reunites with his estranged wife, Kristen, and together they uncover a string of terrifying clues while desperately searching for their son. They soon discover that every Halloween a vicious and vengeful ghost surfaces to abduct children, and if they don’t recover their son within a short window of time, he will be lost to the spirit world forever.”

Game on, ghost b*tch! Pay The Ghost, which comes out sometime (thinkin’ 2015-ish), also stars Sarah Wayne Callies, star of The Walking Dead who played Rick Grimes’ wife and, ironically enough, returned as a ghost for a few cameos after her character was killed off. By their son. Harsh.