Archive for Nutcracker

Enchanting Garb, Fruit Cult, Alien Parents

Posted in Aliens, demons, Evil, Misc. Horror, paranormal, Science Fiction, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 16, 2023 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

A fairy/faerie in literature, art, European folklore culture and slasher grindhouse horror movies is defined as being a type of mythical being or legendary creature and a form of spirit, often described as being metaphysical, supernatural, or preternatural — with or without a butcher knife and/or chainsaw.

Not surprisingly, many women want to be fairies, a fantasy that started with Disney’s™ Tinker Bell and the Nutcracker’s Sugar Plumb Fairy (who sounds like a drug dealer). This fantasia annually fuels the sale of countless fairy costumes every Halloween. But while most of us are content to augment our wardrobe from Spirit Halloween™, one should look to Pinterest™ for fairy fashion options. 

These exotic and otherworldly gowns (or “dresses”) — suitable for cosplay or fantasy horror movies — can fetch thousands for an ensemble that probably shouldn’t be cleaned in a coin-fed washing machine. Also, you’d have to sell a lot of teeth to the Tooth Fairy to afford one.

So while we drink absinthe (fun fact: “The Green Fairy” is the nickname for absinthe) and fantasize about wearing one of these dresses to a bachelorette party and/or doing some light grocery shopping, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not tinker your bell…

WAKING KARMA / January 26, 2023 (VOD)

“Karma and her mother have spent their lives evading Paul, her cult leader father. With Paul closing in as Karma reaches adulthood, she and her mother flee to a friend’s remote compound. Paul tracks them there and traps them within its walls, putting Karma through a series of escalating tests designed to break her spirit and awaken an unholy inheritance that lives within her.”

So if she misbehaves, do we call her…“Bad Karma”? Heh.

SEEDS / January 31, 2023 (VOD)

Grieving mother Macha must track down her husband Andrew, a university professor who has been invited to a remote area of New England to take part in mysterious cult’s ritual in order to receive an inheritance from his uncle. The cult that worships the mystical and ancient power of the apple has also been infiltrated by the Catholic Church under the command of the very ambitious Cardinal Sinibaldi.”

An apple a day keeps organized religion away.

ONYX THE FORTUITOUS AND THE TALISMAN OF SOULS / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Amateur occultist Marcus J. Trillbury — aka Onyx the Fortuitous — is struggling. He’s misunderstood at home and work, but his dreams for a new life seem to be answered when he lands a coveted invitation to the mansion of his idol Bartok the Great for a ritual to raise the spirit of an ancient demon. He excitedly joins Bartok and his fellow eclectic group of devotees as they prepare for the ceremony, but pretty quickly it becomes apparent everything is not as it seems. As Onyx and his new friends fight to keep their souls, he must decide what he’s willing to truly sacrifice in order to meet his destiny.”

Marcus should worry more about getting beat up for having a dumb name than conjuring ancient demons.

ALIENS ABDUCTED MY PARENTS AND NOW I FEEL KINDA LEFT OUT / Release pending 2023 (Theaters/VOD)

“Itsy is new in town and her life seems over until she meets her space-obsessed neighbor Calvin, who believes his parents were abducted by aliens. An aspiring journalist, Itsy decides to write an exposé on Calvin but ends up discovering much more.”

Hey kid — your folks weren’t abducted. They abandoned you. Bet you’re feeling really left out now.

Yule Goat, Ghost Motor Lodge, Spectral Sex

Posted in Classic Horror, demons, Evil, Fantasy, Ghosts, paranormal with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 2, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

If you wanna send out Christmas or “holiday” cards that really stand out among the sea of seasonal throat gagging Hallmark™ sappy crap, then you need a set or two of these fantastical Creepy Christmas greeting cards (5”x7” with red envelopes) from the fantastically talented Mister Sam Shearon. Why have Santa, Christmas trees, elves and those “why won’t they just go away?” Nutcracker dude depictions when you can have Rabid Rudolph, King Krampus, The Snow Queen, and the Yule Goat?

As featured on Mister Shearon’s website, you can get three different sets of 13 for $25 each, or all three sets combined for $65. I recommend this all-in-one collection because why the stinkin’ heck not? Who wouldn’t want to go to their mailbox and pull out a card that Hell (i.e., you) sent them, with horrifyingly cool depictions of Santa Claws, Gryla, Nuuttipukki (the great black goat-man), Mari Lwyd (the haunting horse of Welsh folklore), and Creepy Snowmen? These dreadfully awesome illustrations scream, “Up your chimney, traditional Christmas-y stuff!”

You may recognize Mister Shearon’s work in the rock and metal scene. He’s done art for Slayer, Rob Zombie, Ministry, Rammstein, Filter, HIM and Iron Maiden. He’s also designed cover artwork for The X-Files comic-book series, Judge Dredd, Starhenge and Clive Barker’s Hellraiser. So cool as to be beyond cool. 

While you click this pathway to a better holiday season, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not make your seasonal throat gag… 

THE ETERNAL DAUGHTER / December 2, 2022 (Theaters)

“Now a middle-aged adult, Julie hopes to reconnect with her elderly, estranged mother by traveling to a sentimental destination. Their vacation lands them at a hotel, one that contains a mysterious presence.”

Depending on the hotel, the mysterious presence could be anything from a gaudily-uniformed bellboy lurking outside your door for a tip, or a disturbing brownish stain on the vibrating Mattress Barn™ Sleep Innovations Hybrid Pro™.

DREAMS OF DARKNESS / December 8, 2022 (VOD)

“Devastated by the disappearance of his wife, Derek Fabry enters a nightmarish world of the occult, erotic evil, and supernatural seduction as he tries to unravel the mystery of her vanishing.”

The words “erotic evil” and “supernatural seduction” aren’t what most of us would associate with being nightmarish. More like a Happy Hour for the open-minded. Or a back seat date with any of the last call gals at the Tug Tavern.

CRAVING / January 1, 2023 (VOD)

“After a drug deal goes south, four heroin addicts barricade themselves in a bar as the cops close in. Withdrawal sets in, further complicating their hostage situation, while a secret one of them is hiding could destroy them all.”

Heroin addicts barricading themselves in a bar? Wouldn’t in make more sense to hole up in a pharmacy? People who do ILLEGAL drugs are DUMB.

INSIDIOUS: THE DARK REALM / July 7, 2023 (Theaters)

“Ten years after he first ventured into the Further, Josh Lambert heads east to drop his son Dalton off at an idyllic, ivy-covered university. However, Dalton’s college dream becomes a nightmare when the repressed demons of his past suddenly resurface.”

I’ve been to the Upside Down, but not the Further. Too far away. And Uber™ charges twice the regular rate to take you there. Best just to hitchhike to the Tug Tavern and call it a day. P.S. Conflictingly, this is also titled Insidious: Fear of the Dark. This has shattered my belief system in the Internet right in half.

’70s Horror, Spanish Exorcisms, Funeral Fun

Posted in Classic Horror, demons, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, paranormal, Witches, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 10, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Was perusing Flashbak’s™ comprehensive dissertation (sorry — word of the day calendar) on 15 Reasons The 1970s Were The Best Decade In Horror Cinema. Unlike this blog, the article, written by Yeoman Lowbrow (fake or not, great name), is extremely well researched, and presents a detailed argument to support the claim.

Key to the thesis is the poster art for such lurid gems as I Spit On Your Grave (1978), Love Exorcist (1975) and The Toolbox Murders (1978), to must see feel-good movies as The Sinful Dwarf (1973), Nude For Satan (1974), and Deranged: Confessions of a Necrophile (1974). It was the gloriously gruesome art that first drew me down horror movie’s dark path I’m currently still trying to find my way off of. (Okay, not really.)

Sub-topic examples go from The Grit (genuine grime), What’s a Taboo? (pre-political correctness), Promotional Gimmicks (barf bags), Euro-Horror (La Orgia Nocturna De Los Vampires/1972, La Noche De Los Diablos/1972), Occult-Gone-Wild (The Omen/1976, The Sentinel/1977, Alucarda/1978), as well as Slow-Burn Horror, A Sequel-Free World and Nudity Aplenty (horror and boobies go together like beer and nachos ).

While you abandon the cart that is Drinkin’ & Drive-in™ and bounce on over to Flashbak’s™ encyclopedic essay (click down on it), here are a few out now/upcoming horror movies that may or may not be as cool as spitting on graves and/or taking off your pants in the name of evil…  

LA EXORCISTA / Out now (VOD)

“Ofelia, a young nun recently arrived at the town of San Ramon, is forced to perform an exorcism on a pregnant woman. Just when it looks like the possession has ended, she discovers that the evil presence has not vanished.”

My mom couldn’t find an exorcist when she was knocked up with me. Dodged that bullet.

JACK FROST / Out now (VOD)

A family is terrorized by Jack Frost, a Christmas demon, and must learn their family’s dark secrets that link to why they are cursed. This Christmas, Jack will stop at nothing to exact his vengeance on those left in the bloodline.”

Christmas sure is lot more evil these days, what with all the evil Christmas trees, evil Santa Clauses, evil Mrs. Santa Clauses, evil elves, evil toys, evil reindeer… Miss the days when I was the most evil thing every Christmas.

CHRISTMAS CRAFT FAIR MASSACRE / December 13, 2022 (VOD)

“A holiday craft fair is ground zero for a coven of Satan worshipers who stalk and kidnap a group of locals in their attempt to create a ‘Satanic Nativity’ with occult spells and grisly slayings.”

Apparently Halloween is not enough for Satan worshippers. That community seems to be taking over all our cherished holidays. What’s next — Thanksgiving of the Damned? Malevolent Memorial Day? Villainous Valentine’s? Foul 4th of July? Those Satan loving asshats better not go anywhere near Groundhog’s Day…   

NUTCRACKER MASSACRE / December 2022 (VOD)

“Clara, a struggling, young romance novelist, receives an invitation from her beloved aunt to spend Christmas holidays with her. When she arrives at the secluded countryside cottage, sees that her aunt has a life-sized nutcracker doll by the Christmas tree. Something about the doll unnerves her. That night, at the stroke of midnight, the star on the Christmas tree glows, as do the eyes of the life-size nutcracker. It comes to life and kills a delivery man who has come to the house — and its reign of havoc has only just started…”

Outside of pro wrestling finishing moves, no guy was/is comfortable with the word “nutcracker. Holiday nuts should be fondled, not cracked.

SCARE PACKAGE II: RAD CHAD’S REVENGE / December 2022 (Shudder™)

“When horror guru Rad Chad Buckley’s funeral turns into an elaborate series of hilarious death traps, the guests must band together and use the rules of horror to survive the bloody game.”

I thought a funeral was a death trap. This sounds like an escape room game. Unfortunately, there is no escape room for dying. Yet.