Archive for nude

There’s An Urban legend In My Basement

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Slashers, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 14, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Ghostkeeper

Disclaimer: There is no ghost in 1980’s The Shining knock-off, Ghostkeeper. I saw nothing invisible, and I approve this message. 

There’s an huge lodge buried deep in the Canadian mountains and genital-deep snow. There’s an old, stink woman who resides in the lodge. She could use some moisturizer and some product for her broomstick hair. Also living in the massive “hotel” is her son. He’s out hunting for delicious killables for dinner.

Ghostkeeper

Two hot chicks and a sex-minded smug dude arrive by snowmobiles at the lodge, despite warnings from an old dude in town to not go deep in the backwoods as there’s a huge storm coming. Snowmobiles are like jet-skis, but jet-skis go on water and… Wait, snow is water, just frozen, so…oh crap — I’m in over my head with this metaphor.

Ghostkeeper

The old woman reluctantly lets the three stay overnight. Jenny is the girlfriend of Marty, the guy who doesn’t hide the fact he wants to bone Chrissy, the other hot chick, who is all but putting it on the plate for him — right in front of Jenny. Awkward. The old woman tells Jenny she’s strong and…different, also making ominous statements like “I’m getting to old for this job” and that “there must always be someone to take the job.” Okay, that’s right out of The Sentinel (1977). Wonder if the old woman saw that movie? It was pretty good.

Ghostkeeper

Chrissy decides to bait Marty’s hook with a late night naked and/or nude bath. Unfortunately, she’s just been drowned by the old woman’s son before she can rinse off. He takes the naked body (not shown) out to the shed (not basement, as foretold on the VHS box cover), where she is summarily chopped up with a hatchet (not shown) and fed to this not-ghost dude chained in a dirt room. You only see him for a second, but he looks like a zombie version of a Lynyrd Skynyrd roadie. But he’s not really a roadie — he’s the mythical Windigo/Wendigo, a monster that derives its nutrients/calories from human flesh.

Ghostkeeper

From here things turn into liberal shovels full of The Shining (1980), with Marty ending up freezing to death outside after going bonkers, and Jenny, figuring out her new position in the company, pulls a Jack Torrance on the old woman and her son. She then confronts the Windigo/Wendigo/Roadie and promises to take care of it. And you know what that means — human pulled pork Sloppy Joes for dinner! 

Tattooed Vampire

Posted in Scream Queens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 26, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Snakewoman

Back in her early 20th Century day Oriana Balasz, an underground movie icon, was quite the spanker, what with her deviant behavior and excesses of the flesh. A publishing company wants the rights to all her works, including the film she never released, which promised to be more shocking, even by today’s standards. I don’t know; the bar on shocking is set pretty high. But what the heck — I say go for it.

Snakewoman

A publicist travels to Oriana’s Spanish mansion to sink the deal with her heirs. That’s when Snake Woman shows up, a sort of punk rock biker chick with no clothes, vampire fangs and a snake tattoo that goes all the way around her body and across her butt region.

Snakewoman

The “shocking” love scenes in Snakewoman (2005) are overlong and about as sexy as cardboard. And what is it with European chicks and the unshaved armpit thing? That’s more scary than anything else in this “erotic thriller.” Boring excuse for owning a TV.

Topless Aliens With Bottomless Desires

Posted in Aliens, Science Fiction, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 24, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Zeta One

James Word is a handsome British spy more interested in hooking up with the ladies instead of shooting other spies in the face. But he gets paid to do both, so score for James. Speaking of scoring, the first half hour is nothing but him and a hot blonde playing strip poker. He loses, yet wins, if you know what I infer/imply.

Zeta One

The gal he’s “getting to know” wants to talk instead of, you know. She’s highly interested in his last mission, which involved investigating topless/bra-less alien chicks from the planet of Angvia. (Rearrange the letters.) They came to Earth to kidnap woman to repopulate their home meteor. One such candidate is a stripper, who doesn’t really dance, but kinda wiggles around and at the last note of the song she’s gyrating to, throws her arms up, thus revealing her means of employment. She’s a star.

Zeta One

Zeta One (aka, The Love Factor/The Love Slaves, 1969) is bouncingly bountiful with the aforementioned topless aliens. The characters spend more time naked than being clothed. And when they do decide to cover their shame, they’re bright red dresses with over the knee white vinyl go-go boots. Who knew extraterrestrials could look as good with britches on?

Zeta One

In the end, James is the one kidnapped and “forced” to get all of the Angvians preggo. The scene where he’s being pumped full of raw oysters and booze while a hand-painted naked alien chick dances spastically in front of him while the other alien chicks wait in the lobby for their turn at bat is yet another reason to watch this sexified sci-fi comedy, which borrows liberally from Barbarella (1968). Works for me on several levels.

Zeta One

Conquering Werewolves and Boobies

Posted in Classic Horror, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Werewolves, Witches, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 24, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Conquest

Hard to tell in what place in time Conquest – a  1983 Italian psychedelic schlock horror fantasy flick – takes place. All you need to know is that there’s cave condos, a werewolf army, gauze zombies, stink fog everywhere, a magic bow and arrow, and lots and lots of bare boobies.

Conquest

A topless, iron-masked queen wearing nothing else except a business card sized bikini bottom is having nightmares of a faceless guy with a magic bow and arrow perforating her chest. As she dreams she lets a huge snake explore her lower zip code area. I know this is all a metaphor, but for what?

Conquest

The werewolf army feeds on 99.9% naked and young cave dweller girls because “they taste better.” Need serving portions? No problem – each grab a leg and pull. (Conquest features a buffet of graphic gore scenes.)

Conquest

Meanwhile, Illias (rhymes with Idiot), a feisty young man in a toga, is tasked by the ghost gods with ending the evil queen’s boobfest. To rock this party, Illias hooks up with Mace, a mentor muscle man with Fabio hair and a bear diaper. This could very well be the sowrd and sorcery version of Batman and Robin.

Conquest

The werewolf army is sent to capture the dynamic duo and bring them to Ocron, the naked queen. That the werewolves just took the guys and not the tastier cave girls suggest they might be rearwolves. A sequel, perhaps.

Conquest

The boys manage to break free and continue their plagued journey. Illias gets gooey pus boils all over his upper and lower toga. Mace gets caught and crucified by gauze zombies and dumped in the ocean, where dolphins free him using only their snouts. And dang it, a main character’s head gets chopped off.

Conquest

How the heck do you top all of that? Magic bow and arrow time, with one shot delivering multiple cartoon arrows that find their hairy/guaze-y/naked-y targets in a rushed climax that’ll have you slapping your own head and going, “WTF?”

Conquest

Yep, Conquest is that bad and that good. You’ll have to look through many caves to find a movie with such noble and naked attributes.

Lust For Frankenstein

Posted in Classic Horror, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 11, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Lust For Frankenstein

In the straight-faced schlocky Lust For Frankenstein (1998), that “never-say-die” Frankenstein fellow sure is a wacky guy. This time he’s a ghost with greasy hair and blood running down his scientific face. He also talks really slow and likes German heavy metal.

Lust For Frankenstein

Seems Franky cannot relax as his creation — a rather large woman with bare boobies and (cover your eyes) a Vienna bratwurst dangling between her legs — needs to be resurrected in order to clear the family name.

Lust For Frankenstein

But heck, since he’s a ghost, he’s hardly up for the task. So he gets his daughter, an unattractive older woman no one loves, to tend his fleshy creation. The older unattractive woman (who no one loves) goes to a strip club to pick up a victim for her new pet. She must think its the Royal Fork™ because apparently they allow you to, uh, lick the dancers’ plates clean. (Note to self: go to that strip club next pay day.)

Lust For Frankenstein

The monster — named “Goddess”— walks around totally nude, except for gold disco platform shoes. She also rubs herself against trees and stuff because both her sexes “need love.” Great dialogue (“I am a puppet…a beautiful, nasty puppet…”), tons of nude nakedness, soft-R sex scenes, and the bug-eyed ghost of Frankenstein.

Mud Blood

Posted in Asian Horror, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 10, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Entrails of a Virgin

In the titled-to-the-point Entrails of a Virgin (1986), a couple of Japanese models — one slutty, one new to the ways of sluttiness — go to an abandoned cabin in the woods with some horny photographers whose probable intentions are to take pictures of happy trees and/or the hilarious antics of raccoons.

Entrails of a Virgin

It doesn’t take long before the slut gives it up smooth. The other photographer, though, is having trouble getting the unpoked gal to put it on the glass. He keeps promising her fame and wealth and eventually forages her dense forest. While IN THE PROCESS, he’s snapping enough photos for 10 issues of Ex-Virgin Illustrated. All this commotion wakes up a nearby mud monster who wants to get his freak on.

Entrails of a Virgin

The slut, upon encountering the filthy creature, sees he’s sportin’ a monster package. Intrigued of the possibilities, she instantly initiates a sexual encounter, which is the last horizontal date she’ll ever have, getting split in two by the swingin’ sirloin. She dies with a smile on her face. (Size queens are so easy to please. So I’ve been told.)

Entrails of a Virgin

Not quite fulfilled, mud monster goes after everyone else, ripping off heads with faces attached like they were training bras. Piles of gore, blood gushing all over the floors and walls, nude naked parts, and enough sex to wake up your mud monster.

P.S. If mud is up your alley, then you’ll no doubt want to seek out Entrails of a Beautiful Woman (1986) to further your freak.

Entrails of a Beautiful Woman

 

The Evil Nude

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 24, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Exorcismo

In Exorcismo (1975), an Italian schlock knock-off of The Exorcist (1973), a young nymphet daughter of a widowed socialite becomes the conduit through which Satan makes poo poo. Seems the gal got caught up in some trendy satanic rituals where hippies gather to smoke the weed, drink psychedelic wine and invoke evil. A 9-1-1 priest is called to exorcise the spirit of the girl’s dead father out of her hot naked body.

Exorcismo

As she starts to “change,” clothes come off and she does the usual possessed stuff: levitates the bed, has gonorrhea sores all over her face, smears herself with some sort of dark brown stinky stuff that looks like poo poo. But it’s the dazzling dialogue that really rivets one’s seat (i.e., “You’re all stupid asses – get out!”). Lots of full frontal naked good times, but no scares unless you factor in unshaven female armpits.

Exorcismo

So what happens to Hell’s Serpent once it’s been evicted from the girl? Uh, oh – the family dog is looking a bit more evil than usual and might start floating around the room. Let’s just hope he’s ceiling broken.