Archive for North Dakota

Evil Revenge, Basement Rats, Olympic-Grade Sharks

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Sharks with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 5, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Inside

July 23, 2017 marks the beginning of Discovery™ channel’s mecha-popular Shark Week, with probably one of the worst promotional ideas since Sharknado (2013). On Sunday, July 23, 2017 they’re having Olympic gold medalist swimmer Michael Phelps (the most decorated Olympian of all time, with a total of 28 medals) racing a great white shark, the kicker line being “the battle for ocean supremacy.” And you thought the bottom of the sea was low.

This concept of matching up sharks with celebrities was first tried on the waning sitcom Happy Days back in September of 1977, during which The Fonz — wearing a bathing suit and leather jacket, ski jumped over a shark in a pen just mere biting distance from those delicious skis with human filling.

While we wait for that over-hyped moment, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that’ll sink or swim…

INSIDE (2017)
“Alone and carrying her baby, Sarah faces a calculating, cold-hearted and predatory woman — an adversary who will stop at nothing to snatch her unborn child. Trapped and disorientated, barely able to hear the evil that stalks her, Sarah must unleash all her reserves of strength to protect her baby and survive the night. Never underestimate a mother’s protective fury.”

Can you say The Hand That Rocks The Cradle (1992)? Can you say Rosemary’s Baby (1968)? Can you say, “Been there, done that?”

Exhume

EXHUME (2017/2018)
“Over 50 unmarked graves were discovered at an institution dedicated to the rehabilitation of troubled boys. Patrick Connor and his wife Karen were the archaeologists that uncovered the evil buried under the earth so many years ago.”

Unmarked graves are a problem. What if you showed up to pee on your enemy’s grave and your vengeful bladder defiled the final resting place of some nice old lady who made cookies for Third World countries? And you wonder why the dead hate us so much.

The Terror of Hallows Eve

THE TERROR OF HALLOW’S EVE ( 2017/2018)
After a fifteen-year-old is brutally beaten up by high school bullies, his wish for revenge unknowingly unleashes the terror of Halloween.

Um, this one’s been done already. It was called Trick or Treat, released in 1986 and typecast Ozzy Osbourne as a preacher and KISS’ Gene Simmons as a radio deejay, presumably to hear himself talk all the time. But hey, without revenge, horror movies might start looking like all the same thing. Ahem.

Devil's Gate

DEVIL’S GATE (2017/2018/VOD/Limited)
“Struggling to overcome a recent professional tragedy, a tough-as-nails FBI agent relocates to a small North Dakota town to investigate the disappearance of a local woman and her young son. The search leads to the missing woman’s husband’s secluded farm, on which answers, new mysteries, and God-fearing terrors await…not to mention something locked and caged down in the basement.”

God-fearing terrors and something locked and caged in the basement. Probably a rat. Or spoiled jam preserves, that when consumed, turn you into a rat. Or… never mind.

You’ve Got Poltergeists

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on December 26, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Messengers

Thanks to their hottie 15 year-old daughter whose drunk driving/baby-sitting skills left her three-year-old brother unable to talk, the parents wiped out their entire savings account on medical bills and were forced to move into a dumpy shack and grow sunflowers. (Personally, there’s more money in hamburger trees, but hey, what do I know?)

The Messengers

Transplanting from downtown Chicago to rural North Dakota is enough of a culture shock without having eerie ghosts crawling all over the walls like some transparent Spider-Man. Only the little boy can see them and is always staring at the ceiling and pointing.

The Messengers

The teen daughter suspects something is way wrong and her theories are proven to be better than her ability to operate a car when ghost arms come out of the basement and try to pull her in.

The Messengers

Of course, mom and dad think she’s dealing with “issues” after nearly killing her brother and not having enough baby-sitting juice to drink. No one knew about the house’s previous tenants, who were violently deathed in half.

The Messengers

Several kinda cool ghost moments, including the woman coming out of the stained wall. (Pine-Sol™ could easily get those stains out, if not the poltergeist.) The acting is solid, especially from the three year-old whose pointing could very well earn him an Oscar™. But the pay-off is standard issue horror lite and, if you didn’t see it coming, a total Hallmark™ ending.

The MessengersI have a message for The Messengers (2007) for the sequel: use more blood, crows (give them guns), and have at least one character get scared out of her blouse.