Archive for necromancy

Baron Von Brain Eater

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 20, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Brainiac

Baron Vitelius of Astara is about to have a bad day, though you wouldn’t know it by the smug look on his face as he’s being tried by a Spanish Inquisition for witchcraft, necromancy and assorted wrongness in 1661. If convicted – and it’s pretty much a slam dunk by the black hooded tribunal who only speak in sub-titles – Baron Von Smirky Smirk is gonna be the featured attraction at a good old fashioned witch burning.

The Brainiac

Before he can do his impression of a S’more, a 300 year cycle comet suddenly appears overhead, and the BBQ Baron swears to the sparky meteor that he will return in 300 years (as when the comet does its round trip) to exact revenge on all his accusers’ descendants. (He’s lucky no one is gay so he can return from the dead and make kill happen to all of the above.) Thus is the gripping beginning of 1962’s Spanish horror camp classic, The Brainiac (aka, Baron of Terror).

The Brainiac

Sure as the morning wood rises, 300 years to the day the comet crashes the party and Baron Vitelius is hitching a ride. A fragment breaks off and gently lands on the ground and turns into the Baron, who in turn transforms into a human-sized demon fly-headed creature with a pointy tongue that would make Gene Simmons turn clown white with envy. Time for some tongue-lashing retribution.

The Brainiac

Posing as a foreign dignitary, in human form he lures the descendants into flame-y deaths, which are preceded by Baron Von Fly Face sticking his 18-inch tongue out and sucking out the brains of his victims through the back of their necks. Then he sets fire to the surroundings, charring the evidence.

Brainiac

As the Baron he’s smooth, smokes cigarettes like they were medicine, eats those aforementioned unrefrigerated raw brains from an ornate bowl with a dessert spoon, and makes out with chicks – all with sparse dialogue. (Actions speak louder than words when it comes to smooth smooching.) He can also make his face brighten and darken, like an open/close sign on a tavern, which wide-eye hypnotizes his kills into standing still while he changes into the monster and sucks them dry.

The BrainiacBetter still is when the Baron, in creature form, breathes – his head expands and contracts like a paint-huffing paper bag. And his fingers turn into two claw-esque tubes that he softly clacks together as if pinching a marshmallow to death.

The BrainiacTwo detective are onto the clues and corner Baron Von Suck Suck. His fate, like shampooing and rinsing, repeats itself with the cops showing up with scuba tank sized flame throwers. The Brainiac is loaded with hilariously interpreted dialogue (“You are guilty of clumsy and illegal practices…”) and tension-less drama. But it’s the monster with the expanding and contracting head and that rock star quality tongue that makes this one a classic keeper.

Big Ass Lava Spiders

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 24, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Lavalantula

Lavalantula (2014), a new sci-fi SyFy™Channel offering about giant tarantulas erupting from of volcanoes, could very well land in the Seven Wonders of the World™ ranking, right up there with Beer, Boobies, Waffles and Godzilla. (I forget the other two, but you can totally bet they are true wonders.)

Big Ass Spider!

Directed by Mike Mendez, the guy who did Big Ass Spider (2013), Lavalantula, looking to do a Sharknado (2013) cash in, has a tried ‘n true plot: “Lavalantulas attack Los Angeles.” F-ing brilliant!

The Paranormal Diaries: Clophill

While we’re waiting, check out another buzz word titled horror movie, The Paranormal Diaries: Clophill (2014). While I thought we all agreed to quit using “paranormal” in their titles, PDC begins in 1963 (pre-hippie period) with a black mass (church service with a really big collection plate) in Clophill, Bedfordshire by a coven of dark witches. Animal sacrifices, blood, necromancy, waffle mutilation… Scary stuff, for sure.

A documentary film team (indicating this is another one of those wretched found footage flicks) is assembled to investigate the legend of the Clophill witches and to try and uncover the truth behind the paranormal events. “What followed during that long weekend at Clophill was a terrifying journey into the unknown.”

The Paranormal Diaries: Clophill

Problem with movies like this is the “journey into the unknown” is already known as it’s been done over and over every since that highly insulting Blair Witch Project, which started the annoying “found footage” sub-genre back in 1999. Then again, horror movies aren’t usually known for originality.

Me? I’m sticking with lava spiders, beer and boobies. And waffles when no boobies are available.