Archive for Natue Gone Wild

Wal-Mart Bigfoot

Posted in Bigfoot, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 11, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Search For The Beast

In Search For The Beast (1997) – part of the Bigfoot Terror box set – there’s a mysterious creature running loose in Okaloosa, FL — and it looks uncannily like a guy in a Wal-Mart™ gorilla costume.

A local wealthy businessman lost his son to the mythological monster and funds an expedition to hunt that big-footed sucker down and shoot him for what he done. Dr. David Stone is leading the expedition, which includes a van full of fat ass rednecks packing semi-automatic rifles and a hot blonde.

Search For The Beast

Splitting up and searching for the beast (must be how they came up with the movie’s title), we get to see a young gal – who doesn’t look that different from Sasquatch himself – rinsing off her boobs in a waterfall. Then we get to see hippie hillbillies doing a Deliverance-style song. Then we get to see the “beast” pop in and out from behind trees, showing off his white chest and growling like an empty stomach.

Search For The BeastAt first nightfall the doctor, who looks more like a fat, bearded beer drinker, pitches a tent with the blonde. The next day everyone splits up and looks for the costume, uh, monster. A double-cross ensues and the wealthy businessman’s hired guns take over — and take the girl. The doc is smacked thusly upon the head and tied up and left for beast bait. That pisses off Wal-Marty, and he goes all aggro on the hunters.

Search For The Beast

The rest of the movie is everyone getting killed by, or running away from, the monster. But the most laughable scene comes when a redneck teen bends his girlfriend over a foldable camping chair and starts makin’ bacon. The beast comes out of the woods, pushes him away and starts drivin’ the train. The girl, of course, just rolls with it, like getting porked by Bigfoot was an every Saturday night occurrence. Maybe in Okaloosa, it is.

Search For Bigfoot

In summation, Search For The Beast isn’t just the worst Bigfoot movie ever made, but also an insult to gorilla costumes everywhere.

Historical Monster Hunters

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Nature Gone Wild, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 25, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Helen Keller vs. The Nightwolves

From Ross Patterson, the guy who brought us FDR: American Badass (2012) now comes Helen Keller vs. Nightwolves (release pending 2015).

FDR: American Badass

In American Badass, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, our 32nd president, ends the Great Depression (good, that thing was depressing), puts a stop to Prohibition (to this day I am thankful) and fights Nazis even though he’s confined to a wheelchair after contracting polio from a werewolf bite. I am all up for re-electing him.

Helen Keller vs. The Nightwolves

In Helen Keller vs. Nightwolves, a group Nightwolves terrorize a tiny village taking people’s hearing and eyesight. Hmm – this sounds like one of those insensitive Helen Keller jokes. (Someone wrote on the movie’s Facebook page about the ad materials: “Will this poster be available with braille?”) Ironically, the movie poster does use braille under the title. Clever, yet kinda tasteless. So yeah, I’m down with it.

Still, I’m intrigued by the idea that a deaf and blind girl, armed only with knives, is able to take on a pack of werewolves and quench her thirst for bloody revenge. (The movie implies that it was the Nightwolves are what originally took away her sight and hearing. Again, not cool to make sport of Helen’s famous handicap. But the douchebag I am finds taste in the tasteless.

Helen Keller vs. The Nightwolves

On that note, I’m making an assumptive leap here; the enemy may not be actual werewolves, but rather non-werewolves. The trailer, which doesn’t reveal much, shows actual wolves roughhousing it up. But why would nature’s gangstas go after your eyes and ears, all the while leaving delicious entrails behind? Real werewolves wouldn’t do that.

I hear Helen Keller sure plays a mean pinball. (I’ll wave to you on my way to Hell.)