Archive for Native American

Large And In Charge Halloween, Family Devils, Dancing Werewolves

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 5, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Torrid.com

Torrid.com, a fashion site specializing in clothing for plus-sized women, just came out with this season’s Halloween costume line. In your face, stupid body shamers!

Ladies, in any size/shape, are all Wonder Women — and Torrid even has the WW costume to back that up. You can also get cool Halloween-wear like Maleficent (complete with those sweet curvy horns), Spider-Girl (it’ll make the fellas web their pants), Voodoo Doll (guys — if you see a gal wearing this, you may start feeling a small prick), and the fashionable-year-’round Bat costume.

Torrid.comSo the next time you wanna make disparaging remarks about a woman’s looks and/or size, remember the irony — people who do this have fat heads.

Here are a few now available/upcoming horror/science fiction movies to give you something better to do…

Don't Let The Devil In

DON’T LET THE DEVIL IN (available now)
“After being relocated from the city to a small Appalachian town in order to oversea the development of a casino, Land Developer John Harris and his wife, previously warned there would be resentment within the community, soon find themselves entangled within a tapestry of pure evil that lurks within.”

Tapestry of pure evil. How can you resist a line like that? It’s right up there with “drapery of doom” and “a carpet of carnage.” Kinda makes me wanna give my apartment a makeover.

Bunnyman Vengeance

BUNNYMAN VENGEANCE (October 20, 2017/VOD)
“The man known as Bunnyman returns home to find his family running a haunted house attraction. The family welcomes him home, but soon realizes you cannot domesticate a wild animal. Death and mayhem ensue as the family turn on one another to fulfill their bloodlust.”

The third in a trilogy of a serial killer wearing a dirty Easter bunny costume. Didn’t think they had two more in ’em after the first one. But hey, when is a slasher in a kill-stained bunny outfit not entertaining?

Dances With Werewolves

DANCES WITH WEREWOLVES (October 31, 2017/VOD)
“Cassie flees an abusive relationship and falls victim to a moon-worshiping 600 year old Romanian Countess. A troubled paranormal investigator of Native American heritage finds himself in a deadly love triangle with a battered-woman werewolf.”

This title sure gets around: movies, books/adult fiction memoirs, paranormal crime paperbacks, animated cartoons, YouTube™ videos of werewolves dancing to The Bee Gees’ “Stayin’ Alive” mega disco hit… There’s even funny fake movie posters online riffing on Kevin Costner’s Dancing With Wolves 1990 movie. (He’s kinda convincing as a hunter of man-beasts.) But this one features Phantasm/horror icon Angus Scrimm in his last role before passing away in 2016 at the age of 89. You’re never too old to dance/do battle with werewolves.

Itsy Bitsy

ISTY BITSY (2018)
Kara moves from New York to the quiet countryside with her two children for a job opportunity she can’t afford to turn down. The family moves into their humble new guesthouse. Kara begins her work as a private nurse to Walter, a man stricken with multiple sclerosis and an appraiser of rare antiquities with a secretive past. Doom precedes them. Akiba, a shady international associate of Walter’s, brings with him a mysterious relic of ancient origin. All too quickly they discover the relic contains more than just legends. Inside, waits a terrifying creature born of ancient darkness and pure instinct…a prehistoric cave spider unlike the modern world has ever seen.”

Spiders existed in prehistoric times? Stink beetles, sure. But eight-legged bugs? Sounds so made up. (This is what happens when you watch too many horror movies and your brain turns into oatmeal.) I hope the cave spider looks like/grows to the size of a dinosaur. I think dinosaurs may have existed in prehistoric times. Gonna have to click on something to verify. But not right now. For some reason I’m craving a bowl of oatmeal.

Horror Games, Sex Games, Ghost Games

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 15, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Kingo

Iconic horror author Stephen King is on a hot streak these days, what with a pile of his word books being adapted into movies/remakes (Dark Tower, Gerald’s Game, It) and TV shows (Mr. Mercedes). Heck, even his public Twitter™ war with the President is some of his best work yet.

So leave it up to the clever smarty smarts at Pink Smoke to use this to create Kingo — a Stephen King-themed bingo game. They picked out 24 of the most common tropes/themes/character types found in King’s stories and turned them into the spots on a custom-made Bingo card. Neat!

From the press release: “It’s just like regular BINGO. When you watch a Stephen King film adaptation, TV movie or mini-series, just check-off that trope as it appears. For example: Mary Lambert’s 1989 film of Pet Sematary hits 10 tropes, with a straight line down the middle. That’s a KINGO!”

Coincidentally, “Kingo!” is what I shout out after every Budweiser™ I check off. You can download the Kingo card and play at home. While you’re doing that, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be adapted into Scrabble™…

Ghost Witch

GHOST WITCH (available now)
“Based on true events. Mattie enlists a group of paranormal investigators to spend the night at the haunted house where she was attacked by an angry spirit as a child, and where a Native American girl was brutally murdered two centuries ago. Once there, they are stalked and possessed as the truth about what happened there is revealed, as they all become unwilling participants in the ghost witch’s plan for vengeance.”

A witch that’s also a ghost? Now that’s some slick multitasking. The plot seems somewhat stock, but hey, when you have angry spirits, what can go wrong?

Gerald's GameGERALD’S GAME (September 29, 2017/Netflix™)“When a harmless sex game between a married couple in a remote retreat suddenly becomes a harrowing fight for survival, wife Jessie must confront long-buried demons within her own mind — and possibly lurking in the shadows of her seemingly empty house. Among those she confronts are ghosts from her past and a rabid dog.”

Yep, Stephen King’s 332 page novel about “harmless” sex games and a rabid dog is now a movie. We already know the sex leads to the accidental death of the wife’s hubbie after he handcuffs her to the bed. Oops! Enter Foamy, the rabid dog. (Actually, the dog’s name is Prince, though it should be Cujo.)

Downrange

DOWNRANGE (2017/2018)
“Six college students are carpooling cross-country when one of their tires blows out on a desolate stretch of country road. Getting out to fix the flat, they quickly discover that this was no accident — the tire was shot out. With their vehicle incapacitated, the group is pinned down and mercilessly attacked by an unseen assailant as they desperately attempt to find a way to escape.”

A cross country road trip with no spare tires? College students be so dumb. As for the unseen assailant, there are better targets, like those graboid worm monsters from Tremors (1990) that come out of the desert dirt, looking to consume unseen assailants.

Doll Murder Spree

DOLL MURDER SPREE (2018)
“A group of college students join their teacher for a weekend of filming for extra credit. Documenting the local Hell House that’s haunted by the family who were murdered there. Little do they know they would be trying to survive the night.”

I repeat, college students be so dumb. Add this one to the growing list of doll horror movies, a genre that seems to be so dumb. As for the tired plot, it must’ve been written by a college student.

Demon Clowns, Amphibious Monsters, Hippie Bongs

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Sharks with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 23, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Evil Bong: 666

Looking into Lotto™ strategies to become financially self-sustained so I can watch horror/sci-fi movies as my “day job” without ever having to put pants on to make a living. Any tips, lucky numbers or insider info would be much appreciated.

Here’s four upcoming new ones headed my/your way. Pants not required.

EVIL BONG: 666 (April 20, 2017)
“When a brutal blood sacrifice opens a portal to Hell, Eebee and The Gingerdead Man are returned to Earth. But his trip to Hell has driven Gingerdead even more insane, and unless someone can stop his murderous cookie-cuttin’ rampage he’s gonna ruin Eebee’s plans for world domination. In a last-minute fit of inspiration Eebee channels her inner Dr. Frankenstein and creates The Gingerweed Man! A tiny, cobbled together monster made from the greatest strains of weed on earth, this little killer is ready to get high with a little help from his friends!”

Not a fan of stoner horror because the only way to enjoy it is to be stoned. I prefer a nice carafe of Budweiser™ or a snifter of paint thinner hooch to augment my horror movie experiences. P.S. Don’t do drugs.

Clowntergeist

CLOWNTERGEIST (2017)
“Emma, a college student with a crippling fear of clowns, must come face to face with her worst fear when an evil spirit in the body of a clown is summoned, terrorizing the town she calls home. One by one Emma and her friends receive a balloon with the exact time and date of when it will appear to kill them written on it. After receiving her balloon, Emma realizes that she has two days left to live, and must fight against the clock to find a way to survive.”

Makes sense that a demon-possessed clown would use balloons to get his point across. Personally, I’d go with one of those cool, honking squeezy horns. That tends to get people’s attention, especially in restrooms. And they just sound so funny.

Cold Skin

COLD SKIN (2017)
“On the edge of the Antarctic Circle a ship approaches a desolate island far from all shipping lanes. On board is a young man, on his way to assume the post of weather observer, to live in solitude at the end of the earth. But on shore he finds no trace of the man whom he has been sent to replace, just a deranged castaway who has witnessed a horror he refuses to name. The young man will soon realize that with each night comes an army of humanoid killer amphibians.”

This one sounds cool. But it does beg the question of why humanoid killer amphibians would seek out a meager food source at the ends of the Earth when we have so many all-you-can-eat beach buffets around here. Just ask any shark — surfers are basically crunchy seals.

Demon Hole

DEMON HOLE (2017)
“A fracking crew drills on sacred Native American land unleashing an ancient demon. Six teens have to serve community service in the remote forest where the demon is lurking. They find themselves trapped in a realm of illusions with plenty of marijuana, an abandoned cabin, dark caves, endless woods, and temptation. There are only two ways out of these woods — succumb to the demon or die.”

Note to ancient demon: Please don’t let those fracking teens out of the woods. And if you need more, we’ll ship ‘em to you, no charge. Just like having an Amazon Prime™ account.

Nice Night For A Moon Beast

Posted in Classic Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 29, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Track of the Moon Beast

High on a mountain in the Arizona desert, a man, trying to get him some ’o that sweet Southwest skank action, is struck in the facial quadrant by a meteorite fragment while watching a meteor shower caused by a comet slamming into the moon and bouncing off in Earth’s direction. NASA refers to this as “lunar pinball.” Suffice to say, though, a real mood bringer-downer. Thus is the plot architecture if the 1976 cheesy sci-fi movie, Track of the Moon Beast.

Track of the Moon Beast

Over the following days, he’s prone to headaches and blacking out. All this without the assistance of sweet alcohol. His new girlfriend tells her boyfriend’s best friend, a college professor called John Longbow (great porn name). Longbow looks like a Native American version of Bobby Goldsboro and got his name, not from the gals he used to date, but rather his adept skill with the bow and arrow.

Track of the Moon beast

At night when the moon’s anointing rays light up the maniac switchboard in the meteor man’s head, he’s turned into a huge lizard-esque creature with three things on his mind: die, kill, bleed. By morning the man is “normal” again, but still having health issues. The cops don’t know dick about lunar metamorphosis as they fumble around looking for a hypothesized animal with a taste for human blood.

Track of the Moon Beast

Several more nighttime killings and it’s soon apparent who’s doing all the die-kill-bleed. The police finally corner lizard/meteor man and fire bullets into his scaly hide. Like that’s gonna work. Longbow, who earlier had prudently fashioned an arrowhead out of the fallen meteor, fires one off into L-Man’s chest. The counteracting polarities of the magnetically-charged minerals causes the TV screen to flash orange and black, while Lizzy stands there and wiggles his claw arms.

Track of the Moon Beast

This special effect is meant to indicate Longbow’s positive efforts in bringing the monster’s illegal activities to a grinding halt. This also leaves the door wide open for John’s other longbow to nail his new target, the still screaming and freshly-single girlfriend. It’ll help with closure.

Picking A Bone With Skeleton Man

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 14, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Skeleton Man

Schlock genre movie actor Casper Van Dien is part of YET ANOTHER commando troop wandering around the jungle to go after a paranormal whatever. This time it’s a guy wearing a black hood, cape and plastic skeleton mask purchased from the Planet Halloween™ discount bin.

Skeleton Man

The back story involves some ancient Indian guy who killed a bunch of people and somehow comes back to life, jumping in and out of a time portal to continue his stabby vocation. The military troops are unspectacularly (great word – I must use it more often) killed one by one until the leader manages to trap the “skeleton man” in a power plant and blow up the place.

Skeleton Man

Skeleton Man (2004) is so g-damn awful it almost made me consider religion as an escape. The dialogue actually hurts ears. And for once Casper Van Dien did the right thing and got himself taken out early on. Now if we can just get the Skeleton Man to do the same to whoever green-lighted this butt burrito.

Dirt-y Horror

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Giant Monsters, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , on November 22, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Unearthed

Something ate an entire Indian tribe 500 years ago. And it’s highly doubtful whatever did it flossed its teeth afterward. But that something has just been “unearthed” and is hungry again.

Unearthed

Way out in the desert an archaeologist with a tattooed face is tracking this “thing.” The town’s sheriff is a supermodel brunette whose drinking herself into the dirt because of an f’d up bust that resulted in a little girl’s death. And another supermodel Native American is a scientist who, with the help of a microscope, determines that the DNA of this “thing” has been eating people, plants and animals since the Jurassic Park days (the point in time, not the movie).

Unearthed

When the monster shows itself it’s a near photocopy of the Alien. Are there no other monster ideas out there? Movie makers are more than welcome to use me as an example after a night of drinking myself into the dirt.

Unearthed

Guns don’t stop that thing, but uranium might. Good thing in that really small desert town they have equipment handy to extract the radioactive ore, distill it, put it in a syringe and get close enough to the monster to inject it.

Unearthed

Most of the action in Unearthed (2007) is done in the dark and you can’t see who’s getting their guts opened for public display. This was probably to keep the creature from being seen in its plagiaristic glory so you’d watch the rest of the movie. But hey, if you wanna waste 93 minutes, that’s your call.