Archive for Nails

Devil Dolls, Witch Wedding Crashers, Sharks

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Sharks, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 11, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Heidi

Been toying with the idea to do a run-down of all the streaming horror/sci-fi movie chanels. Turns out there’s a lot, so that means work. I’ll probably call in sick so as to not work. Shudder™ tops the short list of good ones, but it can’t match YouTube™ for its unlicenced use of practically every horror movie ever made in broadcast quality ranging from beer goggles to bent antenna. Anyway, try Midnight Pulp, American Horrors and/or Frightpix (warning — if you don’t pay Frightpix’s admittedly cheap subscription, you’re gonna have to endure a commercial every two minutes.)

Speaking of wading in crap, here’s a few upcoming ones to consider stepping in…

HEIDI (Available now)
“After investigating a neighbor’s attic, two high school pranksters are increasingly plagued by a series of disturbing, supernatural events involving a creepy, vintage doll named Heidi. As she stalks them day and night, no one will take their claims seriously until it is too late.”

An odd trend in horror movies these days, using painted wooden dolls as the source of all which plagues non-painted/non-wooden citizens. It came back with the Puppetmaster series and got more mileage with Annabelle from The Conjuring franchise (the doll now has its own stand-alone film coming out in 2017). Its moderate success spread to horror lite flicks as The Boy (2016) and The Doll (2016) to rat out a few.

This is nothing new; possessed dolls go way back in time and have a long history of gooning out people who own them. The one that got to me as a kid was that messed up Zuni hunting fetish doll in Trilogy of Terror (aka, Terror of the Doll) back in 1975. Soiled my Underoos™, I did.

7 Witches

7 WITCHES (April 14, 2017)
“As their big day approaches Cate and Cody should be celebrating, they’ve got their family with them, and rented an island for the big day. Unbeknownst to them their wedding falls on the day when a 100 year old curse comes to fruition. Instead of celebrating they find themselves fighting for their lives as a coven of witches rise for revenge.”

Time to fire your wedding planner. Geez, of all the things to disrupt the happiest day of your life (for a few months, anyway), you’d think it’d be a drunk relative and not a flippin’ witch. Wonder what the witches will give the bride as a household wedding gift — a broom? Heh.

Sharknado

SHARKNADO 5 (August 6, 2017)
“With much of North America lying in ruins, the rest of the world braces for the inevitable — a global sharknado. Fin Shepard and his family must put a stop to this disaster before Earth is completely obliterated.”

Man, this joke has worn itself so thin, it should be shown on wax paper. The best — and worse — part of these Sharknado droppings are the C-list “celebrities” lining up with make cameos inside the shark’s mouth. I don’t know if I’ll be flattered or insulted if they ever get around to calling me.

Nails

NAILS (2017)
Dana Milgrom, a track coach who, having survived a near-death car accident, finds herself completely paralyzed and trapped inside her own body. While recovering she becomes convinced that an evil presence exists inside her hospital room and is intent on killing her. Believing her to be experiencing a mental breakdown, Dana’s family brush away her concerns. Becoming increasingly terrified, Dana soon realizes that she may not be the only target. Unable to leave her bed, she risks losing the ones she cares for most.”

If you’re seeing an evil presence in the hospital, it may be time to up the morphine drip. Then you won’t care who the entity goes after. High or not, it’d be really funny if the evil presence tripped over a full bed pan. Just thinking about it is making me LOL.

Werewolves, Vampires, Demons, Rap

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Vampires, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 29, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Nails

A new batch of upcoming grisly goodies for you to evaluate and possibly pay the filmmaker’s rent by viewing ’em through the looking glass that is your wallet…

NAILS (2017)
“Dana Milgrom, a track coach who, having survived a near-death car accident, finds herself completely paralyzed and trapped inside her own body. While recovering she becomes convinced that an evil presence exists inside her hospital room and is intent on killing her.”

Pffft – the evil presence is the impending medical bill your health insurance won’t cover.

Tank 432

TANK 432 (November 25, 2016 / Limited)
“On the run and with nowhere to hide, a group of soldiers and their two prisoners take cover from a mysterious enemy inside an abandoned military war tank. While they try to keep the forces outside at bay, secrets are uncovered and little do they realize the real enemy is already among them, locked inside Tank 432.”

This one’s been out in the UK since August of 2015. Even so, the press release all but gives away the punchline by pointing out one of the prisoners is a werewolf. Okay, I don’t know for sure he’s a werewolf. But in cases like these, it’s best to just go with werewolf. Works in a lot more real life applications than you’d think.

Raw

RAW (march 10, 2017 / Limited)
“Everyone in Justine’s family is a vet – and a vegetarian. At 16, she’s a brilliant and promising student. When she starts at veterinary school, she enters a decadent, merciless and dangerously seductive world. During the first week of hazing rituals, desperate to fit in whatever the cost, she strays from her family principles when she eats raw meat for the first time. Justine will soon face the terrible and unexpected consequences of her actions when her true self begins to emerge.”

When Animals Dream / Dread

Sounds like a mash-up of Denmark’s When Animals Dream (2014) and Clive Barker’s Dread (2009). As part of its “face your fears” experiment, Dread features a gal who was sexually abused by her father, an employee at a meat packing plant. Not shockingly, she can’t even smell meat being cooked without gooning out.

As a test, she’s involuntarily forced to reconsider her culinary aversion after being locked in a room for days with no food except you know what. She tries to hold out, but as science tells us, room temperature beef has a tendency to go maggot-y and rancid-y when left out. Still, better than whatever Gas-n-Go™ calls a burger these days.

That said, I’m guessing the girl in Raw is either a werewolf or a cannibal or a line chef at Gas-n-Go™. Or a combination thereof.

Evolution

EVOLUTION (November 25, 2016 / Limited)
“A young boy living in a mysterious, isolated seaside clinic uncovers the sinister purposes of his keepers.”

I liked this better when it was called Morgan (2016). P.S. He’s probably a werewolf.

Bloodrunners

BLOODRUNNERS (2017)
“By 1933 Prohibition has proven a booming enterprise, where average citizens break the law, hide in the shadows and operate at night. While shaking down the newest speakeasy in the local underground, corrupt cop Jack Malone and his men uncover a clan of vampires hell bent on taking over the town. Now Chesterfield (Ice-T), an ancient vampire, and his horde must hide their secret at any cost.”

Rap/movie/media superstar Ice-T is pretty dang cool. More so as a vampire. I still think rap music sucks AND blows, though. (Note to rap music fans: There is a cure for your affliction – IRON MAIDEN.)