Archive for mythical beast

The Horror of 2016

Posted in Aliens, Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Evil, Fantasy, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Sharks, TV Vixens, UFOs, Witches, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 25, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Witch

“Wouldst thou like to live deliciously?”

Best line in recent contemporary horror as whispered by the tempting, unseen evil thing in The Witch, one of the 2016’s least conventional but deliciously grim horror movies. I haven’t heard a line that good since “I know you are, but what am I?” from Pee Wee’s Big Adventure (1985).

Supergirl

The second best line of dialogue of the year comes not from a horror/sci-fi movie, but from the TV series Supergirl: “It’s time to punch you in the face…” (Note to anyone not using glitter chapstick – Supergirl is faring far better under the CW™ tweener banner than it did with CBS™, who had no idea what to do with superheroes sporting abnormally perfect teeth and Clearasil Ultra Rapid Action™ complexions. This is CW’s™ wheelhouse, man.)

In a year fraught with horror (politics notwithstanding), there were more than a few genre movie and TV stand-outs. And while I’m a world famous (ahem) blogger of horror/sci-fi, this e-offering is not even close to being comprehensive and I am by no means an authority on the subject. (I’m an expert at being NOT an expert.)

Black Phillip Cider

Of the ton of big/low-budget genre movie/TV crap I’ve watched all year long, the following represents a few chunks of interesting crap therein. You don’t have to agree with me, though, just because I’m a world famous blogger [insert nervous cough here]…

The Witch, Train To Busan, Shin Godzilla

THE WITCH
This unforgettable chiller introduced horror’s best new figurehead: Black Phillip, the Danny Trejo (or “Machete”) of badass barnyard animals.

SHIN GODZILLA
F-word amazing. They gave reboot G several insanely cool upgrades while holding true to Godzilla’s original hairstyle, including his “one-blow-blows-up-all” destructo breath: purple-y AND flame-y. That’s pretty sweet. Shin Godzilla, almost all filmed in broad daylight, shows Godzilla doing what he does best: making smash hits. I’d buy his album.

TRAIN TO BUSAN
A South Korean zombie movie that mops the floor with every other zombie movie released this year. So ridiculously intense is this thing (passengers trapped on a speeding commuter train while zombies board without passes), you don’t need English translation. (I went legit and watched it without sub-titles. That’s how I roll.)

10m Cloverfield Lane, 31, Phantasm Ravager

10 CLOVERFIELD LANE
Was this a sequel to 2008’s Cloverfield? There are those who walk among us that say yes. Doesn’t matter — while the movie climaxed with alien stuff (if you didn’t already know that — ha!), it’s the premise of several super tense characters in a rural underground survivalist bunker (two of which are there involuntarily) that brings the real horror.

ROB ZOMBIE’S 31
Like him or not, Rob Zombie always makes stomach-turning, gritty and gory horror movies. This one puts a group of traveling carnival white trash performers in a huge maze inside a huge warehouse-y type building, facing off in a brutal do-or-die obstacle course with highly colorful and pretty darn mean maniacs (Doom-Head, Sick-Head, Schizo-Head, Psycho-Head, Death-Head, Sex-Head), all wielding power tools. Make it out of the building, you live. Sort of.

PHANTASM RAVAGER
Does this final installment of the surreal and beloved Phantasm franchise deliver the groceries? Yes and not yes. Given that it’s been nearly 20 years since the last one (Phantasm IV: Oblivion/1998) and brings back the original characters, all of which puts you in the zone, Phantasm Ravager still leaves a pile of unanswered questions, like what happened to Reggie’s 1971 Plymouth Barracuda (second only to the Batmobile in sleek coolness)? But hey, those iconic flying death spheres, aka, gasoline-powered sharp things? All over the freakin’ place.

Deadpool, Captain America: Civil War, Batman V Superman, Suicide Squad, Doctor Strange

DEADPOOL / CAPTAIN AMERICA: CIVIL WAR / BATMAN V SUPERMAN: DAWN OF JUSTICE / SUICIDE SQUAD / DOCTOR STRANGE
Great year for great superhero movies. All of the above kicked ass to varying degrees of ass kicking. And Suicide Squad’s dementedly drop dead sexy Harley Quinn ranks with Deadpool and Black Phillip as a top genre icon of the year. (Godzilla’s already in the Hall of Fame, so giving somebody else a chance here.)

Harley Quinn

Honorary mention goes to Ben Affleck’s Batman, who puts the dark in Dark Knight. (He drinks the hard stuff, two syllable swears, horizontally smooches the ladies, takes pill-shaped drugs, beats people like drums then tortures/shoots them, and socks Superman right on his justice-shaped jaw. On top of that, he drives really fast and crashes into stuff. Batman gives driving lessons, not takes them.)

A few thoughts on some other this and thats…

Arrival, The Shallows, Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them

ARRIVAL
Not just a good movie, but a great UFO movie that doesn’t rely on all out paranoid military warfare on our space brothers, who look a heckuva lot like seafood appetizers. P.S. to the Internet: I’ve seen nearly every UFO video on YouTube™ and they’re starting to look fake. I’m beginning to think UFOs aren’t real. But that’s probably just crazy talk.

THE SHALLOWS
You can still be the most heavy metal, human-gulping shark with extra teeth in the ocean, but you still take second seat to Blake Lively’s seat in a string bikini worn throughout the ENTIRE MOVIE.

FANTASTIC BEASTS AND WHERE TO FIND THEM
An enthralling movie set in 1920s New York with wizards and a menagerie of off-the-hook mythical creatures and monsters, the likes of which have not been seen since the last WWE pay-per-view. Y’know, I bet Harry Potter fans might like this.

Miss Peregrine’s Home For Peculiar Children, The Boy, Morgan

MISS PEREGRINE’S HOME FOR PECULIAR CHILDREN
In my day a home for peculiar children was called “summer camp.” A bunch of mutation kids with unique abilities: floating, projecting movies through eyes, starting fires by touching stuff, super strength, control of nature, and my fav, eating through a mouth on the back of your head. You could take down a Frisko Freeze™ double deluxe burger in one mouth while sucking down a chocolate shake with the other. I wouldst like to live deliciously.

THE BOY
Featured The Walking Dead’s walking gorgeous Lauren Cohan. I wasn’t aware of anything else in the movie. I think it had some sort of boy in it. I think he was a puppet, which is just plain weird.

MORGAN
A genetic experiment gone wrong — or right, depending on where you stand on a contemporary updating of Frankenstein (1931).

Independence Day: Resurgence, X-Men: Apocalypse, Star Trek Beyond

There were a few genre misfires this year, though, including Independence Day: Resurgence, (we need to issue a formal apology to extraterrestrials), X-Men: Apocalypse (yeesh, what a mutant mess) and Star Trek Beyond, which relied more on blowing up things than the story line. Speaking of, why do they have to keep exploding the USS Enterprise over and over? Man, I wanted to drive that thing.

Wonder Woman

So what do we have to look forward to from here? According to IMDB.com there’s approximately 1,000+ horror/sci-fi/fantasy/superhero movies (Wonder Woman – I await you) slated for release in 2017. Butt — meet couch. Like Doctor Strange, I’m looking through space and time (and Collider.com) for Pacific Rim: Uprising (2018), Godzilla, King of Monsters (2019) and Godzilla vs. King Kong (hopefully before I croak). All the other stuff watched is what I’ll do to pass time/pass gas/pass out until those movies come to enrich my life.

China’s Chinese Bigfoot

Posted in Bigfoot, Fantasy, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 15, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

China Bigfoot: The Legend of the Yeren

I’m always down for a new home movie/found footage/blockbuster about Bigfoot, but my fur stands on edge when they can’t even get the advertising one-sheet right.

Take China Bigfoot: Legend of the Yeren (2015), a family-friendly take on our woodsy BFF. That’s the title according to the movie’s Facebook page and press release. So why does the movie poster say Chinese Bigfoot: The Legend of the Yeren? It’s total B.S. like this that just ruin my life and everything I may or may not stand for.

China Bigfoot: The Legend of The Yeren

The Yeren is also known as “Wild Man.” I know a lot of drinking buddies who go by the same name, usually around last call. Often seen in the Taibai Mountains, Yeren is to China what Bigfoot is to the Pacific Northwest, except Yeren is alleged to be a red head. That seems weird to me.

China Bigfoot: The Legend of the Yeren

Anyway, here’s what goes down in China/Chinese Bigfoot: The Legend of the Yeren: “Chinese teenager Shi Kang and his American tutor, Denise, crash land in the remote mountains of China. After being rescued from the plane wreckage by a giant, ape-like creature, they eventually befriend the mysterious Yeren. But a group of poachers are hot on the Yeren’s trail, and now it’s up to Shi Kang and Denise to help protect their new friend.”

China Bigfoot: The Legend of the Yeren

Man, I freakin’ hope Shi Kang and Denise thwart those a-hole poachers and send Yeren on his merry way. That MIGHT make me forget about the filmmaker’s inability to pick a lane for the title and drive in it.

Two Werewolves = Twice The Fun

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Nature Gone Wild, Scream Queens, Slashers, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 14, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Blood Moon

Blood Moon, an upcoming werewolf movie, is described as a mash-up of comedy, horror and the western. Sounds cool – just as long as they don’t make the werewolves wear spurs that jingle jangle jingle.

Like all westerns, Blood Moon (no official release date set as of this e-scribble; be sure and check your sun dial) takes place in 1887 in Colorado. “A passenger-heavy stagecoach and an gunslinger are held hostage by two outlaws on the out with the law. Events take an unexpected turn when the travelers are stalked by a mythical beast that only appears on the night of a blood red moon.” I bet it’s a werewolf.

P.S. Do not confuse this Blood Moon with Bloodmoon from 1990, in which a serial killer, loose at an all girl school, strangles them with barbed wire. What a dick.

Bloodmoon

And since the only thing better than a werewolf movie is another werewolf movie, comes Wolves, releasing on October 16, 2014 on VOD and limited theater release in November 2014.

Wolves

Wolves sounds like somebody’s been watching Twilight (2008): “Cayden Richards, 18, has it all: captain of the high school football team; straight-A student; gorgeous girlfriend. But when he wakes one dark night to find his parents brutally murdered he is horrified to realize that he is turning into an animal: a wild, savage wolf.”

“Panicked, Cayden runs, determined to find out what is happening to him. His quest leads him to the strange, isolated town of Lupine Ridge, where two clans of wolves are on the brink of war. When Cayden falls for Angelina, the beautiful, young mate promised to another wolf, a battle to the death is inevitable.”

Two things: Cayden is a really dumb name for a werewolf. Secondly, when in fur form, he looks a lot like me after being denied last call…

Wolves

Jersey Devil vs Carnival Freaks

Posted in Bigfoot, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 31, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Carny

The Jersey Devil, a red-eyed creature with bat wings, a horse face, hooves, and a spiked tale, was caught and sold to a freak show carnival, where the circus ringmaster plans on exploiting the flesh-hungry beast for monetary gains. I feel this is a good business model.

Carny

Meanwhile, the small town Sheriff is warned by the local “fire ’n brimstone” preacher to keep the “Lord’s mistakes” out of their bible-fearing community. That just seems prejudice to me; who could possibly be threatened by a man with two faces or a Leopard Woman with spots all over her body? At least she uses a litter box.

Carny

Assured that the mythical beast is sedated and poses no threat to the community or easily-stained clothing, the show goes on. You are simply not gonna believe what happens next. During the performance, the monster gets loose and goes after some teens in the woods. Yeah, I totally didn’t see it coming, either.

Carny

Like the Jersey Devil, the pastor is out for blood. He rallies all the gun-toting red necks in town for an outdoor BBQ with the freak show cast being the grilled treats. The pastor manages to kill the flying devil, its “dead” body dragged outside where the locals can have their picture taken with it. Wouldn’t be fun if Jersey just laid there, so it comes back to life and goes back to taking lives.

 

Carny

Speaking of, the creature, about the size of a regular devil dog, but with wings and bigger teeth, doesn’t look too digital. This is good, because he has a reputation to live up to. If he doesn’t do his job, then the easily-frightened folks of Pine Barrens will start believing in Bigfoot or some other tourist generating monster. And that’s not good business sense.

Carny

Flying around like a bomber seagull, Jersey buzzes the now-flaming carnival and ends up face to face with the preacher. The outcome? Let’s just say the Holy Man is now a “hole-y” man. Heh. In all, Carny (2009) has more blood than originally forecast, with several decent dismemberments and real-time autopsies as performed by JD.