Archive for museum

New Age Gargoyles

Posted in Evil, Misc. Horror with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on January 27, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Curse of the Talisman

In Curse of the Talisman (2001), an ancient curse unleashes a flock of evil gargoyles that are compelled to adhere to the curse’s rule of die, kill, bleed. Good for them.

This happened in London’s village of Yorkshire (home of that expensive pudding) in 1100 A.D. Artifacts of the gargoyles made its way through the magic of time to a modern museum of today. But a shifty shipper intercepts one of the gargoyle statues and a Goth talisman necklace and sells it to a New Age bookstore (run by a guy who looks more like a motorcycle thug than someone who would own a New Age bookstore), thereby setting into motion the return of the gargoyles.

Curse of the Talisman

Enter a British priest hot on the trail of the talisman. No one likes pompous Limeys demanding things, so they give him a good ’ol U.S. run-around. The gargoyle, now flying around and killing people, wants the talisman as well. Seems he needs it to release his winged brothers of doom from inside the thirty or so statuettes on display at the museum.

Curse of the Talisman

There’s a LOT of pointless running around/running away just to get to the showdown at the museum. The gargoyles, which look like death metal seagulls, belong in a Gremlins (1984) movie where they’d be more at home alongside stuffed toys with teeth. As far as ancient curses go, you’d be better off with a case of medieval jock itch.

Mammoth Fail

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 10, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Mammoth

A museum curator has a completely preserved woolly mammoth encased in a block of ice, ready to over-charge people to see.

For whatever reason, he drills through the ice and extracts a transmitter that was lodged in the mammoth’s butt area. This “analometer” suddenly activates and sends out a deep space transmission to a flying sausage, uh, saucer. Said UFO makes a u-turn for earth. I don’t know why. Neither will you.

Mammoth

Out of nowhere a flaming meteor streaks across the Louisiana skies and crashes into the museum, waking up the slumbering beast. Before it goes outside to get a breath of future air, it sucks all the life force out of a museum guard via its trunk. As much as I wanted to be making that up, I’m not.

Mammoth

Later, two government agents – clearly aware of the extraterrestrial nature of the “awakening” – show up to track the monster and have space guns that presumably emit mammoth-stopping waves of some sort. After that, the whole plot gets really dumb.

Mammoth

The elephant in Mammoth (2006) looks like one of the Banana Splits™. While it does have a decent roar (I wish my car horn sounded like that – then those stinkin’ hippies would RUN), it only gores one person with its tusks of doom and stomps the entire car a guy was trying to hide under.

The whole thing is played for laughs, which falls as flat as the guy under the car is now. Someone saves the day but at what price? I get the feeling I may have paid a bigger price by watching this dud.

Harping On Horror

Posted in Evil, Fantasy, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, TV Vixens, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 30, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Harpies

A washed-up NY cop is having a bad day. His wife wants a divorce. The police force won’t let him shoot people anymore. And his job as a security guard at a museum is about as interesting as the science behind why paint dries.

Harpies

Some well-prepared thugs break in to crack the new exhibit containing a mystical egg jewel that when hooked up to a gold amulet opens a portal to the time of the Harpies (972 AD, when chicks didn’t shave their legs or under their arms).

Harpies

W.U.C. (Washed Up Cop) intervenes but gets sucked back in time, where he regards his time travel as an every day occurrence. It’s there he encounters the days of yore and winged nag creatures that are so poorly special effected, they wouldn’t even be allowed in a video game – from 1980.

Harpies

To call Harpies (2007) a crappy movie is to be overly complimentary. Up closed the creatures look like crack whores, and Stephen Baldwin as the “hero” pitifully tries to echo Bruce Campbell’s character in Army of Darkness (1992), but falls so short as to be embarrassing to his mom and even his neighbors.