Archive for Mr. Vampire

Mastering Exorcism

Posted in Asian Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Vampires, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 22, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Exorcist Master

In Exorcist Master (aka, Qu mo dao zhang/1993) a priest was killed outside a local church when a holy power stepped in, knocked the “God Eats Here” cross steeple off the building, where it falls like a sword straight into the back of the now “thinkin’ about becoming an atheist” collection plate manager, who is somehow turned into a vampire. Maybe he was one before and was merely working undercover for competing religions. The sub-titles weren’t clear on this point.

Exorcist Master

This now makes the Roman Catholic church “dirty” and it’s closed for business until that commerce-minded Priest Wu decides to reopen 20 years later with new paint, a few knick-knack bibles, restoration money supplied by the town’s smoking club (opium den) and brothel (pay-per-play) upstanding business men. This p*sses off Uncle Nine and he vehemently protests, using that unibrow to commanding effect. (If you’ve ever been stared down over a plate of fried duck and dumplings by a person with one eyebrow, it’s rather intimidating, which is why I don’t go back to Benihanas™.)

Exorcist Master

Lam Ching-ying, replays the unibrow’d Taoist priest in those mid-Eighties Mr. Vampire movies as Uncle Nine, a pretty darn serious guy when it comes to ridding the land of ghosts and vampires. (I’ve seen promo pics of him with TWO eyebrows. What is up with that? It somehow made him look less intelligent.)

Exorcist Master

An opening scene botched brother and sister exorcist duo has them failing to rid a cellar of a demon chick ghost. Uncle Nine shows up in time to save the day with some serious anti-paranormal skills. But you’re gonna have to wade through another 90-minutes of non-demon/ghost/vampire plot plodding to get to the final show-down in the church after the cross stake was removed from the punctured priest’s back (they kept him in dry storage) and he flies around thejoint, looking for neck-flavored snacks. (Having a hard time with a vampire priest; don’t crosses and churches make vampires hurl? It does to me — and I’m still waiting for my turn to become a vampire. I put in the application months ago. Gotta be any day now.)

Exorcist Master

Exorcist Master’s slapstick action and dialogue will make you COL (chortle out loud): “Why have you removed my pants? You are so erotic…” And hey, they even sampled one-hit wonder rapper Tone Lōc’s 1989 “Wild Thing” as a backdrop to an exorcist prepping ceremony.

Exorcist Master

But not even Tone Lōc or the high-flying kung fu skills of Uncle Nine can save this tedious horror comedy that spends less time on bloodletting and more time on goofy sequences. (The brother doesn’t know what a bra is and put’s it over his face like a blindfold. “Too big…” he says. I can vouch for that.) Note of interest: There’s a bell-ringing vampire shepherd leading a formation parade of subdued, hopping vampires to the church. With “Wild Thing” playing, I wonder if they were hip-hop vampires. I don’t wanna be one of those as rap sucks like fried duck. (Hey, that rhymes — I think I just wrote a rap song.)

Cooking Rice For Vampires

Posted in Asian Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Vampires, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 4, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Rigor Mortis

Chin Siu-ho, star of Mr. Vampire (1985), has a problem. He just moved into a functioning slum apartment building with the intention of committing suicide (his wife left him). But while hanging from an overhead fan (he must be in one of the deluxe slum units), twin chick ghosts materialize at the opportunity and take over his soon-to-be dead body. Carpe diem.

Rigor Mortis Before this can come to fruition, Yau, a chain-smoking downstairs neighbor in his boxers and robe, busts down the door, battles the ghost gals and makes them go back in the wall from whence they came. Behold the power of boxers and robes. Yau, if you haven’t deduced, is a retired vampire hunter. And he has to un-retire to smack those ghost chick creatures.

Rigor Mortis

Elsewhere in the stylish squalor, Tung, a foul-mouthed old man, tells his wife Meiyi he’s going on a saki bender for a few days. He unfortunately falls face first down the hi-rise stairs and splat dies. Fortunately, there’s a black magic expert also living in the building. Gau helps the market fresh widow preserve the body in the bathtub in voodoo dirt and puts a voodoo chain mask on him, advising her to never remove the mask. Mask comes off, Tung turns into a jiangshi. (Wikipedia: Chinese “hopping” vampire, ghost, or zombie, a type of reanimated corpse in Chinese legends and folklore.)

Rigor Mortis

Not sure how this all ties together, especially when informed that glutinous rice is used to combat vampires. Yau tells Chin Siu-ho that after all the vampires are vanquished, vampire hunters become restaurant owners/cooks as they need a job and they’re pretty good making rice. You never think of these things.

Rigor Mortis

All these ingredients come to a boil as Yau, never bothering to put on his pants, teams with Chin Siu-ho and has a holy throw down with the ghost chicks, who have blood tendrils coming out of every orifice. Then they have to deal with Tung, whose hopping all over the place and causing grievous bodily harm. And I thought my apartment building was bad.

Rigor Mortis

Rigor Mortis (2013) is strikingly atmospheric and loaded with grim and gruesome visuals. The in-house vamps will goon you out, especially when a flashback tells you how they became ghosts, a short but vicious sequence. My only complaint to an otherwise solid horror movie is they didn’t show you how to cook glutinous rice. Whenever I make it, the dang stuff sticks to everything. And it’s pretty much useless against the vampires in my apartment building. Maybe I need to add garlic butter or something.

They Call Him Mr. Vampire

Posted in Asian Horror, Classic Horror, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Vampires, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , on May 26, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Mr. Vampire 2

Mr. Vampire (not his real name) and his Two Stooges assistants, dig up an ancient tomb, looking to steal its contents. They find a vampire husband, wife and child, who all come back to life, thanks to the bumbling antics of the two assistants who need a solid front kick to the rice bag.

Mr. Vampire 2

That’s pretty much it for Mr. Vampire 2 (1986). Stupid comic bits, over-choreographed kung-fu fights and pratfalls, and those dumb hopping vampires.

Mr. Vampire 2

Throat-ripping and blood? Not a severed vein or crimson neck leak to be found. Mr. Vampire, you are hereby relieved of your duties.