The Joi of Bigfoot

The best bait to lure Bigfoot out into the open? Gorgeous women in bikinis. Shocked that Bigfoot hunters haven’t thought of this before.

This isn’t the plot of Bigfoot, a 1970 sub-budget “horror” movie, but it should be. Rather, it’s just one part of a bigger tapestry that weaves together a horror legend (John Carradine), a supermodel (Joi Lansing), and dynamite-packin’ bikers with semi-combed hair. (What a bunch of disrespectful punks.)

Parachuting into the forest after her plane quits flying, Joi, with her flotation devices stored safely under her blouse, runs smack into Bigfoot. Elsewhere, a biker guy horizontally makes out with his bikini-clad new girlfriend, only to discover they’re  swapping spit on a Bigfoot burial ground. Guess who shows up to punch out the boyfriend (wicked right hook) and make off with the make-out girl?

The local sheriff doesn’t have time for this hair-covered nonsense, and pretty much doesn’t do much to solve the mystery of the missing women. So Biker Rick (the guy whose bricks were earlier flipped by Bigfoot), turns to hucksters for help. Some help – they plan to capture B-foot to exploit for financial gain. (“People will pay 50 cents to see it!”)

Meanwhile, the top-heavy abducted gals are tied up (!) by Bigfoot, where they hypothesize about their situation and give away a big clue as to the what lies ahead. (More than one Bigfoot, as it turns out – and they seem to be gooning out over something at the top of the mountain everyone’s partying/making out/peeing on.)

Finally, after much hippie bongo music, noisy motorcycles tearing up the woods and great one liners (“They’re practically sub-human, but they look like animals…”), the hucksters and Biker Rick (cool name) slog through the forest until they happen upon the abducted gals and the Bigfoot lair (not quite an apartment as it doesn’t even have a kitchenette).

And it’s here we get the “slap your head in astonishment” big surprise. The thing at the top of the mountain the other Bigfeet are fearful of is… I’ll just say that the hint lies in the Bigfoot creatures themselves, all of whom are female. Run with it. And the end? Has something to do with dynamite – and Joi Lansing running through the woods, barely keeping her mountainous region from popping out of her top.

P.S. Bigfoot fights a bear in this one. I thought they were friends. The bear probably owed him money. Or a honey-dipped pine cone. Man, I could sure go for one of those right now.

The Wave: Making A Big Splash

Since big screen disaster flicks aren’t just the province of the U.S., it’s cool to see other countries sharing in the forecast of mass destruction. Such is the case with Norway’s first disaster movie, Bølgen, or The Wave. (Looking at the movie poster, I saw the big wave and deduced that was what Bølgen meant. Man, mastering Norwegian is way easy!)

Bølgen/The Wave is based on the real tsunami, which killed 40 people in Norway’s Tafjord in 1934. No wonder, then, that the movie became an instant smash (sorry) hit when it was domestically released in August 2015, with the ominous tag line of “It has happened before. It will not happen again,” or “Det har skjedd før. Det vil skje igjen.” (Geez, it’s like someone kicked the Scrabble™ board.)

Since the main attraction speaks for itself, a plot isn’t really necessary. But for the sake of all you “purists,” here’s what gets taken out with the tide: “Even though awaited, no one is really ready when the mountain pass of Åkneset above the scenic narrow Norwegian fjord Geiranger falls out and creates a 85 meter (278 feet) high violent tsunami. A geologist is one of those caught in the middle of it.”

Sucks to be a geologist.

For more kick ass foreign tidal waves, see Haeundae, (2009), a Korean disaster flick, and Exodus: Gods and Kings (2015), an Egyptian-set spiritual disaster flick.

P.S. The giant wave in Exodus was caused by bible human rights activist Moses. Like Aquaman, he can make water do whatever he wants, which is why he’ll never lose his soap in murky bathtub water. Think about it.