Color Coordinated Aliens, Devil Diapers, Burning Man Zombies

Horror/sci-fi/fantasy artist Christopher Shy should be a billionaire for his stunning illustrative interpretations of classic genre movies like Alien (1979), A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984), Salem’s Lot (1979), The Shining (1980), The Walking Dead (2018) and more. Maybe he already is in a higher tax bracket; I haven’t tried to borrow money from him. Yet.

These ridiculously brilliant art pieces are not only suitable for framing, but belong in a museum that doesn’t smell like wet books. Shy founded Ronin Studios in 1994 and has arted for movie companies like Lionsgate and Marvel, as well as acrylically expressing himself for Dark Horse Comics and more. Wonder how much he’d charge to paint my house to look like the demon rental cabin in The Evil Dead (1981)? Probably more bit coins than I currently have in my bit piggy bank.

While you drool over these magnificent art of works, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies to distract you from the fact you’re not as talented as Christopher Shy…

THE POSSESSED (April 6, 2018)
“When two documentary students venture into a small rural village, they witness a local ‘soul restoring’ ceremony. Upon investigation, they’re introduced to an exorcist who educates them on the exorcisms performed throughout the village’s history.”

I wanna be an exorcist when I grow up. You get to travel to exotic trailer parks, meet people who swear, float and puke gas station food, and make a difference to people who clearly take the bible literally. 

BUS PARTY TO HELL (April 13, 2018)
“When a party bus on its way to Burning Man filled with a bunch of sexy young adults breaks down in the desert and in the middle of a group of Satanic worshipers, all hell literally breaks loose. A massacre leaves seven survivors trapped on the bus, fighting for their lives while wondering if someone or someones are not what they seem.”

Not seeing the difference to the part buses that go to Burning Man every year. This one has zombie mummies, as well. Unless you’re a naked hippie attending Burning Man, the next popular dress code is being a mummy. More effective than sun block.

GRAY MATTER ( April 20, 2018)
“After a meteorite crashes to earth awakening the extraterrestrial creature within, a young woman is abducted by an alien ‘gray’ to aide in hunting down and destroying the creature before it can reach a second meteorite that fell to earth decades earlier unleashing its deadly infestation of earth.”

I thought charcoal-colored aliens were called ‘greys’, not ‘grays.’ Calling ‘em Grays means they should accessorize with colors like seafoam, rose, marshmallow and cherry to properly color coordinate. If you’re an alien, this will match your season and help to blend in with hipster corporate executives and Mormons. 

THE SITTER (June, 2018)
Charlotte, a broke college student, gets a gig to house sit for an eccentric couple for a long weekend. She couldn’t believe how lucky she is. When darkness falls, things start to take a far more sinister turn. Charlotte is unable to shake the feeling that her every move is being watched and it is not long before her worst fears are confirmed — there is something else in the house with her…”

Um, was this not the exact same premise of House of the Devil (2009)? In that one the broke college student earns her pay by changing the diapers of the Devil, an experience later described as “hellish.” Heh.

Slasher Swimmer, Eating Your Ex, Neighborhood Sharks

Like the red balloons tied to sewer drains in homage marketing to It (2017, the life-size statue of Jason Voorhees from the Friday the 13th series placed at the bottom of a popular (but unnamed) diving lake in Minnesota (chained to a boulder and dropped unceremoniously into Camp Crystal Lake in Jason Lives: Friday the 13th Part VI/1986), is beyond cool. If you were diving in the lake and came upon “Jason”, there is a steep probability you’ll end up polluting the water. Confidence is high.

According to news reports, the statue was put there by an unknown fan/prankster (Frankster?) in 2013, where it continues to wait for the right moment to spring out and start knocking over canoes, which I think is unlawful and just plain mean. (P.S. The original film’s Camp Crystal Lake is in New Jersey.)

While we try and top that, here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not belong at the bottom of a lake…

APARTMENT 212 (March 16, 2018)
“Jennifer Conrad is a small-town girl starting over in the big city. Fleeing an abusive relationship, all she wants is a chance to begin again. But it is hard to start over when something is eating you while you sleep…one painful bite at a time.”

Either her boyfriend is a romantic cannibal, or it’s time to call Orkin™. Or, she could just bleach the sheets.

CAUGHT (March 30, 2018)
“While on an afternoon walk with their children, two small town reporters notice the military camped on a hilltop. Debating the possible significance of this activity, they answer their door when two unusual strangers come knocking and find themselves held hostage in their own home.”

Several theories — the military is there, waiting to capture visiting aliens. Or the unusual strangers could be nothing more than delivery guys for AmazonFresh Grocery™. Or they simply could be Mormons. Or Mormons delivering groceries with a message of hope and upcoming sales.

IT HUNGERS (2018)
“Fact. When people become frightened, their bodies are flooded with a stress hormone called Cortisol. There is a creature that feeds on humans, but only when our bodies are ripe with fear and flooded with Cortisol. Only then does it like the taste of human flesh. Only then will it feed Deep in the forest, a beautiful young woman on the run from the law escapes into the creature’s lair. Like a chef preparing his meal, the creature unleashes a phantom to terrify her. A macabre clown. Once she is terrified enough to be consumed, the creature will move in for the kill. But she is no ordinary girl and she is ready fight to survive.”

Color me ignorant, but isn’t this a bald-face rip-off of It (2017)? (Um, I don’t know what the color of ignorant is — I’m hoping something in a nice mauve, perhaps.)

HOUSE SHARK (2018)
“You’re gonna need a bigger house! When Frank finds his happy home under attack by a dangerous but largely unknown breed of shark, he’s enlists the aid of the world’s only ‘House Shark’ expert, Zachary, and a grizzled former real estate agent, Abraham, to embark on a desperate quest to destroy the beast and claim back his life. It’s Jaws in a house!”

Full disclosure — I already flagged this one in August of 2015. Amazing that’s its taking this long to get the “film” out there. So what’s next — Condo Shark? Apartment Rental Shark? Airbnb Shark? If they come up with Flophouse Shark, though, I’m totally in.