Archive for monkeys

Birth of the Wolf Man

Posted in Classic Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Slashers, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , on February 29, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Legend of the Werewollf

One would think the origins of a werewolf would be more biblically epic than just a feral kid being brought up by stink wolves. (So did they make him go to his den after back barking?) But that’s the base premise of Legend of the Werewolf (1975), a well-intentioned although semi-meaninful pile of wet fur of a horror movie.

Legend of the Werewolf

A traveling circus circa 19th Century happens across the ankle/throat biter on the side of the road and decides to make him their featured attraction as the “Wolf Boy.” And since he’s under age, they don’t have to pay him. But they do have to give him a name: Etoile. I don’t know how to pronounce that. Regardless, it translates as “Star.” I like Etoile better.

Legend of the Werewolf

As Ety grows up, he kills circus employees when the moon is full. This expectedly gets him fired. Amazingly/ironically, the young man finds a job as a zoo keeper in Paris. And you know what’s next to the zoo? A brothel! Monkeys and hookers – Etoile just hit the jackpot.

Legend of the Werewolf

Though he’s only known the life of showbiz, Etoile is naive in the ways of the world, and falls in love with Christine, one of the prostitutes, or “talonneurs.” Good thing: Etoile doesn’t know what Christine does for a living. Bad thing: Etoile finds out what Christine does for a living.

Lgend of the Werewolf

After witnessing Christine working the night shift, Etoile goes crazy jealous mad under the full moon and rips her client to dead shreds. This is not a good business model for Christine’s public service job, who also rebuffs his marriage proposal.

Legend of the Werewolf

Meanwhile, a forensic surgeon examining Etoile’s road kill, puts together enough clues to land the tantrum prone wolf man in the dog house with the law.

Legend of the Werewolf

Eventually cornered towards the end of one hour and twenty-six minutes, Etoile gets his bestiality on and turns into a white werewolf instead of the preferred dark brown or black variety. It’s here Etoile is shot right in the underground sewer by police officers with prominent facial hair. I find that to be tragically ironic.

Legend of the Werewolf

It should be noted that Etoile can speak human while in wolf form, and seems repentant for his hairy behavior. A bullet to the back is his accepted apology. Only thing left Christine to do is clock in, change into her work clothes and get back to laying down on the job.

Finding Fantastic Beasts

Posted in Fantasy, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 17, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them

Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them is a return to the universe of Harry Potter by creator/mega-billionaire J.K. Rowling. It started out a book in 2001, but because of Rowling’s history of turning anti-Christian sentiments into box office gold (good for her), it’s to be a movie as well, due out in November of 2016. Why they’re plugging it now (December, 2015 – 11 months before it comes out – obviously means they need time to license premium toy tie-ins. (One can never have too much money.)

Still, as cool as the concept seems, it feels like a half-baked crossover. Then again, I didn’t read the book as I gave up reading once TV was invented. And hey, if I wanna find a fantastic beast, all I have to do is look in a mirror. Heh.

Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them

But we’ve already seen a pile of mythical monsters in the Harry Potter movies – a giant three-headed dog that takes craps the size of giant spiders; Giant spiders that talk and eat human meatloaf; A parrot that bursts into flames like a defective bottle rocket; Centaurs that cover the forest floor with recycled apples; Bulimic werewolves with 3% body fat who binge and purge every full moon; Dragons (aka, flying BBQs); Bird/horse hybrids that chow down on raw ferret as if woodland sushi; Mail-carrying owls (delivering late as to emulate real postal service); Talking snakes (they pronounce “s’’’s really well); And 15-foot trolls with I.Qs around that of your average movie blogger. So what else could they possibly bring to the table?

Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them

Glad you asked. Here’s a few fantastic beast copyright worthy ideas: Ghost Monkeys – they fling zoo poo at you and then disappear, much to the delight of everyone not covered in you know what. Land Crabs that cause itching that can’t be stopped, even with generously applied pyrethrins and piperonyl butoxides. Sea Bats that look like seagulls – they steal your french fries and peck your neck. Giant turtles that shoot flames out their… Oh, wait – that one’s been done.

J.K. Rowling – please contact me for licensing rights. Bring your 10-ton checkbook.

I Love The Dead

Posted in Foreign Horror, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 17, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Burying The Ex

Two new horror comedies – one from the U.S. and the other from England – with almost identical plots: girlfriends coming back from the dead to mess with their still living boyfriends who now have new girlfriends. And to further screw with your mind, Life After Beth, a horror zombie comedy released in 2014, has the same plot outline as both these movies.

Burying The Ex

First up is Burying The Ex (2015), which follows Max, an “all-around nice guy, and his overbearing but incredibly beautiful girlfriend, Evelyn. Their relationship takes a nosedive when Evelyn turns out to be a controlling, manipulative nightmare. Max realizes it’s time to call it quits, but there’s just one problem: he’s too afraid to break up with her.”

“Fate steps in when Evelyn is involved in a freak accident and dies, leaving Max single and ready to mingle. Several weeks later, he has a chance encounter with Olivia, a cute and spirited girl who just might be his soul mate. But that same night, Evelyn returns from the grave as a dirt-smeared zombie and she’s determined to live happily ever after with Max…even if that means turning him into one of the undead.”

Um, are they sure that’s dirt she’s smeared with? Looks like something I saw monkeys at the zoo playing with. Good thing movie trailers aren’t filmed in smell-o-vision.

Nina Forever

Made in British Land, Nina Forever (2015) is an “outrageous horror-comedy in which a young man’s romance with his dream girl takes an unexpected turn when Nina, his dead ex-girlfriend, rises from the grave bloody and broken and shows up every time Rob and his new girlfriend make love.”

Nina Forever

This goons out Rob, but I think he’s not seeing some interesting mattress possibilities here.

Life After Beth

In Life After Beth (2014), another boyfriend sees his girlfriend die (from a snakebite) and later come back from the dead. Sure, she seems fine at first. But dead things, living or not, tend to get ripe, if you know what I mean. Think of a potato left out in the rain for, like, a really long time. Ick.

Life After Beth