Archive for mini-mart

Zombie Winos

Posted in Foreign Horror, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 21, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Grapes of Death

The Raisins of Death. That’s how the title of the 1978 French zombie movie sorta translates. I don’t know why, but this rocks my world. Probably because I occasional sprinkle death raisins atop my dinner cereal.

The Grapes of Death

So Les Raisins de la Mort (aka, The Grapes of Death) is a nicely gory horror flick that uses contaminated grapes (or “les raisins”) squished into wine that, when consumed with pinky extended, turns one into a rotting zombie. And here all this time I thought drinking wine turns you into a snob, or “snombie.”

The Grapes of Death

How did the grapes get contaminated? Glad you asked. A worker at the Roublès winemaking vineyard becomes ill, complaining of a pain in his neck. (Either his boss, wife, or both is my guess.)

The Grapes of Death

As the infection spreads to others via this pain in the neck, people meet painful ends: throats cut, assorted mouth bites, cars parking on your torso, stranglings, garden forks jammed into chests instead of nutritious salads, and best of all (or worst, depending on which side of the handle you’re on), living heads being chopped off with a hatchet. Makes sense when you think of the rudimentary wine-making tools they had back in the late Seventies.

The Grapes of Death

As previously hinted, blood gooshes from every orifice, opening and so forth. Bright red blood, too. Not like that fake stuff you see on the news. But wait, there’s more – full frontal chick nudity, which comes with a side of bare naked boobies and glistening infected open wounds that look like someone glued rubber novelty vomit on said fun bumps. Lots of endless shrieking and screaming, probably caused by drinking face-pinching, sour ass wine instead of cold, refreshing beer.

Les Raisins de la Morte!

Since everybody in France slurps wine – especially so during last week’s wine festival that infected the small village and made their faces turn into freshness-expired mini-mart soufflès – there’s no shortage of zombie attacks. That’s pretty much it, except that every single one of The Grapes/Raisins of Death actors and actresses have tongue-tangling names that no one but their mothers can pronounce. (Jean-Pierre Bouyxou? This guy is just begging to be turned into a zombie.)

The Sand: Dirt-y Horror

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 29, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Sand

The Sand, arriving October 13, 2015 on DVD/VOD, is the type of brainless horror movie that belongs in one of those $3 bins next to the Slim-Jims™ and Tic Tacs™ at a gas station mini-mart.

The Sand

Why am I being so gently harsh? Two reasons – first, the plot: After an all-night graduation beach party, a group of hungover twenty-somethings awake to a beating sun, and a seemingly carnivorous beach that devours anything with a heartbeat that touches the sand.”

Hungover twenty-somethings – clearly the movie’s target audience.

Blood Beach

Secondly, The Sand, with its painfully dumb title, steals directly from 1980’s Blood Beach, wherein: “One by one, something is attacking people on the beach. Some are mutilated, but most are sucked into the sand, disappearing without a trace.”

Blood Beach

That was 35 years ago. And The Sand takes its cover from Blood Beach (and even The Evil Dead/1981) as well. Horror never forgets.

To be fair – and I’m usually not – Tremors (1990), with burrowing, giant Graboid slugs sucking you into the dirt for feasting purposes, lifted BB’s premise as well.

Tremors

A few fun facts about Blood Beach: It cleverly re-purposed Jaws 2’s (1978) famous tagline of “Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the water…” and turned it into: “Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the water – you can’t get to it!” Brilliant, I tell you.

Burt Young

Also, Blood Beach starred the salty Burt Young, who also played the super mean dad in Amityville II: The Possession (1982).

I am a veritable fountain of useless knowledge.