Game Sharks, Evil Warehouses, Dreadful Angels

If you’re looking to do some pre-Christmas shopping done, there is no better gift to get me than the new Jaws board game by Ravensburger. And here’s the supremely cool part — one player gets to be the shark!

Coming late June 2019, the Jaws board game will bite into your wallet for $30. Heck, I’d pay at least $35 for such a cool game. Here’s why…

“Like Steven Spielberg’s classic film, Jaws the board game plays out in two major acts. The first part has the player controlling the shark terrorizing Amity Island by attacking swimmers, while up to three other opponents — playing as Quint, Brody, and Hooper — try to cooperatively figure out exactly where the shark is hiding in the surrounding murky depths. Once the shark is located, the game switches to a second act.”

While you fight over who gets to buy me the game, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/TV series that may or may not be as ridiculously cool as a cardboard shark…

1st SUMMONING (February 22, 2019)
“As four student filmmakers unearth a bizarre history of occult practice tied to an abandoned warehouse, it becomes clear the horror they set out to document may have been lurking among them all along.”

Of course abandoned warehouses are where evil lives — the rent is cheap.

STRAY (March 1, 2019)
“An orphaned teenager teams up with the detective investigating her mother’s murder. They soon discover a supernatural force threatening the city and realize the teen possesses hidden powers of her own which might be the key to stopping it.”

Potential spoiler: The supernatural force threatening everyone is…REPUBLICANS. Time for Democrats to tap into their hidden powers and veto them back to Hell.

DARLIN’ (2019)
“Darlin’ picks up 10 years after the events of The Woman, when the titular character escaped with the then-young Darlin’ in tow. Now Darlin’ in is a Catholic home for girls while the Woman resides in an all-female homeless encampment.”

Didn’t see The Woman (2011), so I have no idea what they’re talking about. I looked it up and it was a sequel to Offspring (2009). Didn’t see that one, either. The internet says it was about cannibals. Sounds yummy.

PENNY DREADFUL: CITY OF ANGELS (2020)
“City of Angels will be set in 1938 Los Angeles, a time and place deeply infused with Mexican-American folklore and social tension. Rooted in the conflict between characters connected to the deity Santa Muerte and others allied with the Devil, Penny Dreadful: City of Angels will explore an exciting mix of the supernatural and the combustible reality of that period, creating new occult myths and moral dilemmas within a genuine historical backdrop.”

If this is even half as good as the Penny Dreadful TV series (2014 – 2016), which starred Count Dracula, Dr. Frankenstein and his science project, Dr. Jekyll, Dorian Gray, the Wolf-Man and a bunch of witches thrown in for flavor, then I plan on spending all my waking time binge watching it.

The Curse of Curse Sequels

Thanks to Internet linguistic courses, I translated La Maldicion De La Llorona, the title of this 2007 movie, to be The Maldicion De La Llorona. (I don’t know what a “de la” is, though. Hey, I’M WORKING ON IT.)

Regardless, this Curse of the Crying Woman remake sucks hard enough to be a vacuum cleaner. A naked young chick tries to kill herself and is found by a supermodel mail carrier who was dropping off valuable coupons and carpet cleaning offers. Instead of taking the girl to the hospital (slit wrists, deep gouges on her back, bad breath), her aunt, uncle and hot same-age/chest size cousin come over to take care of her.

But the girl has had a psychotic break, claiming there is a vengeful spirit hanging out in the closet of the abandoned house in the middle of an East L.A. Cul-de-sac. For no other reason than to introduce something “horror” into the plodding plot, a brain wrapped in newspaper is found in the garage. “Discard it,” says the aunt, noting its stink is making the odoriferous house even more so.

The suicidal gal has a few more “episodes” and wants her aunt to kill her baby (not yet born, but no doubt hiding from being included in this boneheaded piece of dumbness’ movie credits). The mail carrier shows up again to offer an ominous warning — and to drop off 2-for-1 tanning discount fliers. (Which brings up several insightful questions: If the house was abandoned, then why was she delivering mail to it? Secondly, since when does a mail carrier walk right into the house to drop off the mail? I’m sure there are other questions, but that’s all I could think of right now. I’ll get back to you.)

Shot entirely in daylight, the blood inflicted by Llorona looks pink when it dries within seconds. The vengeful spirit looks a lot like the suicidal gal, but sporting a long rubber tongue with bumps on it. All shot on stunning hand-held quality video, La Maldicion (or THE Maldicion) once again proves that friends shouldn’t let friends make movies.

P.S. There have been many La Maldicion De La Llorona movies through out he ages, as represented by the key art I “borrowed” from the “Internet.” Also, the latest version misspells the title altogether. Who can’t spell  La Maldicion De La Llorona correctly on the first dozen tries?