Fake UFOs, Horror Teens, Evil Wishing Well

Recently pulled up Real UFO Crash Footage (Mooney Vision) on Amazon Prime™. Several things you need to know before stepping in the same pile of I.V.C. (Identified Viewing Crap) I did…

• ALL the footage is of blurry and/or shaky camera stylings.

• Lots of the material has digital UFOs flying above around or into fiery explosions that happened by way of the wrong button being pushed, high-speed left turn into a right turn cloud, or something involving gasoline and matches.

• Most footage contains mega-explosions from stock news broadcasts.

• There’s footage of falling meteors, which are nothing more than God’s marbles.

• Some footage is from the SyFy Channel™ from over a decade ago.

• While it’s true these UFOs are just that (because of the blurriness, you can’t identify what it is that’s flying/not flying), the bait on the hook here is the flying saucer on the cover.

And while you’re fuming over having bitten the hook, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not be blatantly misleading…

THE OPEN HOUSE (January 19, 2018/Netflix)
“A mother and her teenage son move into a new house and are harassed by threatening forces.”

Threatening forces could be anything — landlords, neighbors, Mothman, me…  Just need an address. (Disclaimer: I don’t really threaten anyone. However, I will make your lawn die just by standing on it.)

THE DEVIL’S WELL (January 23, 2018)
“Karla Marks mysteriously vanishes while conducting a paranormal investigation with her husband into the Devil’s Well, an underground location reported to be a gateway straight into Hell, and the site of ongoing strange phenomenon. A year after her disappearance, a group of investigators go back to uncover the truth about Karla, and are faced with evil forces greater than they ever imagined.”

A well is the gateway to Hell? And here all this time I thought the portal to Purgatory was 7-Eleven™. That, or the bathroom door to the men’s room at the Maha (a bar I hang out in, and usually have a priest administer a blessing every time beer needs to be exorcised from thy bladder).

TRUTH OR DARE (April 27, 2018)
“A harmless game of ‘Truth or Dare’ among friends turns deadly when someone — or something — begins to punish those who tell a lie — or refuse the dare.”

Sounds like more dumb teen horror. Can’t wait to not watch it.

NIGHTFLYERS (SyFy Channel™/2018/2019)
“Eight maverick scientists and a powerful telepath embark on an expedition to the edge of our solar system in the hopes of contacting alien life. They travel aboard The Nightflyer — a ship with a small tightknit crew and a reclusive captain. But when terrifying and violent events begin to take place they start to question each other, and surviving the journey proves harder than anyone thought.”

This looks to be a TV series, which is good, because it gives me YET ANOTHER excuse to not get off the couch. Nightflyers is based on George R.R. Martin’s 1980 supernatural novella (short book) of the same name and was actually made into a movie back in 1987. I may or may not have seen it. Hey, I have hair to comb and lawns to mow. I take that stuff seriously.

Giant, Medium and Small Monsters

In Rebirth of Mothra III (1998), Godzilla’s favorite chew toy (a moth, but for all intents, a giant kite with mystical properties), has more split personalities than a psycho ex-girlfriend. Returning for this second  fantasy-framed sequel are previous incarnations AquaMothra and that Earth-hugging Rainbow Mothra.

Flapping new wings are Light Speed Mothra (she should rep for Nascar™), Armor Mothra (she’s into heavy metal), Primitive Mothra (should be called Netscape 3 Mothra), Fairy Mothra (a smaller, more crushable version) and Eternal Mothra (Been There And Continue To Do That Mothra). All of ’em are called on to show Grand King Ghidorah some in-yer-face humility. And if that wasn’t enough, they throw in some dinosaurs. Good call.

The Elias sisters, miniature fairy princesses — Lora, Moll and that totally bitchy Belvara — are at it again (see Rebirth of Mothra/1996). Belvara’s struggle for some sort of magic sword and her “all things hatred for humankind” set off a spectacular battle with all the interested parties. There’s meteor showers and more freakin’ kids getting in the way. (And you thought Gamera had it up to here with meddling brats?)

The three-necked Grand King Ghidorah is being blamed for the extinction of dinosaurs, and he’s not willing to take the rap. (In all fairness, it really was him, we just can’t prove it.) As GKG demonstrates, he’s not a 400-foot tall pushover. But as the shock-and-awe confrontation reaches the boil-over point, Armor Mothra provides a bloodless, wing-slicing smack down.

Here’s an idea — the next time criminal giant kaiju wanna get pissy, let’s do without the kids and make this a “winner takes all” monster-sized pay-per-view. Really, it’s the only way to save this sugary franchise from further rotting our teeth/brains/prehistoric legacy.

Rechargeable Aliens

The found footage “movie” The Phoenix Tapes ’97 is YET ANOTHER attempt to cash in on the REAL EVENT of UFOs buzzing the Arizona night skies back March 13, 1997. It was on the news, so it had to be real.

Four smelly guys pile into an RV and go on a man date in the Arizona desert, filming every tedious dialogue interchange along the way. During the night, loud explosion-y booms are heard and meteors are seen crashing into the desert mountains. [Spoiler: this was the ONLY cool thing about the movie.]

Daylight brings more questions, like how to air out the RV and where is one of the dudes. And what the heck was shaking the RV at night and making stomping noises on the roof? I’m thinkin’ pranking frat brothers, but likely it was extraterrestrials. Kinda the same thing when you think about it.

As they argue like whiny b*tches and abandon the stalled RV and wander back towards civilization (they weren’t that far off; you can hear a dog barking in someone’s back yard), they see those famous patterned lights in the sky and go WTF?!?

One by one, each gets drug off into the night with the video camera still running. You sorta kinda maybe get a glimpse of the aliens, whose legs appear to be riddled with arthritis. But my issue is with the camera. That thing kept running (with night vision) long after they four guys were slipped a date rape drug and probed. Video cameras back in 1997 could barely hold a charge and were notorious slow to recharge, which was not done the entire time. (So an RV battery conks out overnight, and a video camera battery lasts all through the abductions?) And to think I was gonna buy an RV.

I believe in UFOs. I do not believe in 1997 video cameras. So there.

Outer Space Odd Couple

Space pilot Willis Davidge and his enemy – a frog-faced Drac fighter pilot – both crash on the ninth dirtball from the sun after a zinging laser battle. This sets up the movie’s scenario as they both have to work together to survive the hostile planet – rain comes in the form of flaming meteors, bed bugs are the size of Space Chevy hubcaps, and there’s no 7-Elevens™ as far as their future binoculars can see.

Slowly, they learn each other’s native tongue and soon they’re talking, arguing and fighting as if two mismatched New York roommates. And they’re forced to eat large Trilobite bugs instead of hamburgers. One day the unwashed Davidge goes in search of anything else edible on the barren planet and happens across garbage left by outlaw miners who use Dracs as slave labor to dig up e-commerce rocks.

When Davidge goes back to tell his unlikely buddy, he finds out the Drac is pregnant. Seems Dracs are both male and female and reproduce spontaneously. (I can only imagine the arguments that go on inside its head.) The Drac, who is also dying, makes Davidge promise to recite his kid’s lineage in front of the Draconian High Council — and he has to do it in the Drac native tongue and it has to include all 170 family members’ names. The only thing less painful would be if a Trilobite ate Davidge’s head off.

When Zammis (way dumb space name) is born, he looks like a slug. To complicate matters, the outlaw miners come back several years later when Zammis is but a mere tadpole. Guess who captures the little lily pad jumper?

Odd, occasionally cheesy, and mildly entertaining, Enemy Mine (1985) does have a few cool moments. Drac looks appropritely neat as a reptilian creature, and when he talks it sounds like he’s gargling chocolate Trilobite milk. Now if you’ll excuse me, I must go recite (throw up) my lineage (last night’s beer binge) before the High Council (porcelain throne).

Humans vs. Unhumans

Four hundered meteors zip past earth’s zip code, but only one hits that stinking planet, right smack in a national park where there are college students hanging out.

Luckily, its glowing residue can re-animate the dead. The under-grads should’ve listened to the local witch who warned ’em time and time again some bad juju was about to come down. There’s some nonsense sub-plot about a secret scientific scientist who is rumored to be conducting experiments on human organs, and may somehow be connected to the witch.

Those affected by the meteor zoom turn into burnt zombies with big teeth and chase people through the woods, where they catch ’em and rip open their stomachs like they were Merry Groundhog Day gifts. The entrails look suspiciously like really large strands of spaghetti with extra sauce.

Lots of chasing, screaming, shooting and evisceration in Unhuman (aka, Evil Aliens: Unhuman/2004). But where’s the love?