Diva Sharks, Amateur Killers, Possessed Cab Passengers

In advance of the upcoming giant shark movie, The Meg (August 10, 2018), comes a mouthful off Jaws 2 (1978) behind-the-scenes pics that gives shark fans a glimpse behind the bubbles.

In this scene we see “Bruce Two” (the shark, named after director Stephen Spielberg’s lawyer) heavily emoting during the money shot of burning to death after chomping on an underwater electric cable…

In this photo, we see Bruce Two finding his marks and getting ready for his close-ups….

And in this shot, we see Bruce Two getting his makeup touched up in-between human-eating scenes…

While we all wish we looked as good in shark attack selfies, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi dramas/comedies to take your mind off the fact that you’ll never be as photogenic as a shark…

THE HAPPYTIME MURDERS (2018)
“Set in the underbelly of Los Angeles, puppets and humans coexist. Two clashing detectives, one human and one puppet, are forced to work together to try and solve who is brutally murdering the former cast of The Happytime Gang, a beloved classic puppet show.”

A spin on Who Framed Roger Rabbit (1988), wherein humans and cartoon characters coexist. Sounds like present day Congress.

HEAVY TRIP (aka, Hevi Reissu/October 12, 2018/VOD)
“Turo is stuck in a small village in the Finnish countryside where his greatest passion is being the lead vocalist for the amateur metal band Impaled Rektum. The only problem is that he and his fellow headbangers have practiced for 12 years without playing a single gig. But that’s all about to change when the guys meet the promoter of a huge heavy metal music festival in Norway and decide it’s now or never. Hitting the road in a stolen van with a corpse, a coffin, and a new drummer from a local mental hospital in tow, Impaled Rektum travels across Scandinavia to make their dreams a reality.”

I’ve come up with hundreds of heavy metal band names, but Impaled Rektum takes the crown. I bet my proctologist is the lead finger in this band.

KILLER KATE ( October 26, 2018)
“Estranged sisters Kate and Angie haven’t spoken since Angie went to college and left Kate to care for their ailing father. In a show of reconciliation, several years after moving out, Angie invites Kate to her bachelorette party held at a remote house booked on a home-sharing app. The women are unaware that by booking this house, they’re walking into a trap set in motion by a disturbed family of amateur killers.”

Hey disturbed family of AMATEUR killers — practice makes perfect. P.S. Don’t really go out and kill anyone to gain life experience.

LUZ (2018)
“Fleeing from the grasp of a possessed woman, a distressed cabdriver begins a confession in a rundown police station that endangers everyone who crosses her path.”

Um, aren’t most people who ride in cabs possessed in some way or another? I know I am. In fact, whenever I take a Lyft™ after stopping by favorite bar for seven hours, my head spins around, I spew a green vomit substance and I curse as though a somewhat clean crucifix was stuck in my fuzzy wuzzy. (Note to Lyft™ — If I promise to quit doing all of the above in your otherwise clean vehicles, can you lyft the ban?)

Skinwalkers, Prime Time Cults, Evil Birdhouses

Every time I think there are no more cool things to distract me from real life, up pops a thing so cool, life itself becomes meaningless. This time it’s The Evil Dead (1981) horror cabin made into a birdhouse. Made by Reddit’s murdrfaze — and soon-to-be for sale (albeit severely limited to 10) — the birdhouses are constructed by hand and the rock chimney made from creek stones. I feel that’s pretty dang cool.

I’d probably buy one but I think all the birds in my neighborhood are already possessed by the same demons that made The Evil Dead cabin so evil. If you could see how many times I have to wash the bird crap off my car, you’d swear some giant, flying beaked monster ate a high fiber city and decided to pooptie all over my hooptie.

Speaking of things that may or may not make you wanna soil yourself (or on someone else’s car that’s not mine), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that could qualify as being quite craptacular…

THE MONSTER PROJECT (August 18, 2017)/Limited/VOD)
“A group of aspiring horror filmmakers, eager to raise their YouTube™ subscriber count, post an online casting call for ‘real life’ monsters to interview for their documentary. They find three participants and choose to film them sharing their haunted experiences in a mansion in the woods on the night of a lunar eclipse. The production suddenly turns into a nightmare when the participants transform into a real skinwalker, vampire, and demon forcing the unsuspecting crew to fight for their lives.”

Cool title and premise. Wish they called me to be one of the monsters; I think I’d make for a pretty good werewolf/skinwalker, what with my long hair and penchant for ribeye steaks with a side of khakis. And no, I wouldn’t go around sniffing butts. Even as a werewolf, I’d maintain at least a few social standards.

AMERICAN HORROR STORY: CULT (September 5, 2017)
“Politics and clowns play a pivotal role in AHS: Cult.”

Clowns and politicians. Thought they were one in the same. The new art, though, suggests bees will somehow be around to create a buzz (heh) about AHS’s seventh season. I hear it’ll be an 11-episode dealie. Was not a big fan of season six (Roanoke), though I did like season 5 (Hotel). Pretty dang gory, violent and entertaining because of those two essential horror ingredients. So for season seven, keep those and just add a little…honey. (Heh.)

LEATHERFACE
(September 21, 2017/DirecTV/October 20, 2017Theatrical/VOD)
“Jessica Madsen plays one of four inmates who escape from a mental hospital. One of them becomes the title character and iconic slasher. The quartet kidnap a young nurse and take her on a road trip from hell. Along the way, they are pursued by an equally deranged lawman out for revenge.”

Wrote about this one back on October 25 of the year 2016 A.D.. But hey, new poster and a locked ’n loaded (finally) release date. Here’s some more info that’ll rev up you — it’s being given an R rating for “strong bloody violence, disturbing images, language and some sexuality/nudity.” I have no problem with that.

CAMP COLD BROOK (in production)
Camp Cold Brook centers around a horrific incident in 1993 when dozens of young campers, without warning, stand at attention, seemingly in a hypnotic trance, and proceed to attack not only each other but the staff as well with deadly intent. The survivors then bind their feet with rope tethered to large rocks and drag themselves into the nearby lake.”

“Twenty-five years later, reality TV ghost hunter Jack Wilson finds himself in a tough spot. His show, Haunted Places, is on the brink of being canceled. In a last ditch effort to spark ratings to land a final season, he and his producers, as well as their trusted cameraman, choose the legend of Camp Cold Brook to try to save their show.”

“Their arrival begins like any other episode. Cameras are placed, and the team sets up shop in the dilapidated lodge and waits. But this is not going to be a regular episode. The terror here was real, and the 30 are about to rise.”

Yes, this has been done before, so quit e-yawning. That’s MY job.

Same Old Saw And Dance

Apparently seven Texas Chain Saw Massacre movies simply aren’t enough, so they’re making YET ANOTHER one. Titled Leatherface and slated for a 2016 release, this one is described as a prequel and seeks to explain the formative years of the skin-wearing, power tool endorsing horror icon.

In a “gimme a freakin’ break” maneuver, Leatherface’s real name is Jackson Sawyer and they “cleverly” got the word “saw” in his name. (Good thing he tormented people with a chain saw instead of a garden hose.)

After you’re done yawning, here’s the plot: “The story chronicles the events in Jackson’s teen years, revealing how he became the infamous Leatherface. Violent teenager Jackson escapes from a mental hospital with fellow inmates Bud, Ike and Clarice. The group kidnaps nurse Lizzy in their escape. As the group flees with their captive, they are pursued by Hal Hartman, a vengeful and determined Texas Ranger.”

As this is a prequel, we already know the Texas Ranger, however vengeful and determined he is, was/is unable to get the job done. If he did, we wouldn’t have had to endure all the pointless Texas Chain Saw cash-ins.

This same prequel premise has been done with Freddy Krueger, Micheal Myers, and Norman Bates, et al, so it was only a matter of time before they did it to Leatherface. Which means you’ve already seen this movie and it hasn’t even come out yet.

Feel free to yawn some more.

Psychiatric Ghost

The Danvers State Mental Hospital has been abandoned for years, but it’s time for the spooky sucker to come down so that unhaunted market-price condos can be built.

Hazmat janitors Gordon and Phil head up a small team contracted to remove harmless asbestos, but they gotta do it in five days. I don’t know, guys – Danvers is the size of the Overlook Hotel and smells like a bus station bathroom. During the clean-up in the barely-lit building, Gordon starts hearing a voice saying hello to him. That’s nice, because ghosts aren’t known for their pleasantness.

Another guy finds some cassettes marked Session 1 through 9. Playing the tapes he hears interviews with a mental patient with multiple personality disorder. There are six “people” inside the patient, but the one the other personalities don’t wanna go there with is Simon. And a clue to Simon’s evilness is revealed (something involving a knife).

Later, a figure is encountered in the dark hallways and a worker disappears. It’s when the others split up (good idea) to look for him that make your butt hairs stand on end. (That’s kind of a pun, now that I think about it.) The workers hallucinate really gnarly st*ff, like Gordon going home on his lunch break and killing his wife and two-month old daughter. Did it really happen or was it imagined? Do NOT ask me.

As the men become increasingly stressed more fun stuff is introduced to the mix, including a lobotomy pick and a pile of coins just begging for a slot machine. When Gordon walks into a room and finds photos of his wife and child taped to the wall, sanity is about to hit the insanity fan. Good word choice given where everybody’s standing.

Not a lot in terms of special effects, but this one will gnaw on your mind. When the tape is played, Gordon hears… I won’t say, but it may or may not goon you out. It gooned me out. I’m easily gooned out-able. Despite my condition, Session 9 (2001) is top drawer ghost st*ff.