Archive for McDonald’s

Canned Puke, Medicated Zombies, Vampire Socialite

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Vampires, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 2, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Christmas Tinner

It makes sense that upscale eateries like Burger King™ and McDonald’s™ annually come out with seasonal themed food-like substances. But Christmas Tinner™, an entire holiday meal in a can, easily takes the crown.

In what seems like something out of a horror movie, Christmas Tinner™ is a nine-layer meal that includes everything you need for a traditional Christmas dinner, including dessert. I think I just thew up in my own mouth.

Christmas Tinner

If you have a strong stomach, the “meal” starts with scrambled egg and bacon (WTF?), then layers down to mince pie, turkey and potatoes, gravy, cranberry sauce, Brussel sprouts/broccoli with stuffing, roast carrots and parsnips. And if this wasn’t enough, they stuff Christmas pudding at the bottom. All of a sudden, gas station sushi doesn’t seem so bad after all.

Christmas Tinner

Wonder if it looks the same way coming out as it does going in? While you chew on that, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not have you needing your stomach pumped after watching ‘em. (P.S. Christmas Tinner™ photos courtesy of Chris Godfrey)…

Elves

ELVES (December, 2018)
“The Holiday Reaper, a ruthless killer that terrorized a small Texas town, has been caught. While celebrating, a group of friends find an elf inside a magical toy box. When a freak accident kills one of them, they discover a group of elves have been scattered throughout town, each representing one of the seven deadly sins. It’s a race against time to survive the elves’ wrath before Christmas ends.”

A gang of homicidal elves trying to ruin Christmas? I bet Santa is rolling over in his Christmas Tinner™.

Leprechaun Returns

LEPRECHAUN RETURNS (2018/2019)
“The deadly, wisecracking Leprechaun is back in all his gory glory. When the sorority sisters of the Alpha Upsilon house decide to go green and use an old well as their water source, they unwittingly awaken a pint-sized, green-clad monster. The Leprechaun wants a pot of gold buried near the sorority house, but first, he must recover his powers with a killing spree — and only the girls of AU can stop him.”

You’d think they would’ve pulled life support on this one after the disastrous Leprechaun Origins (2014). That one was so bad, even non-Hollywood Leprechauns boycotted the movie.

Altered Skin

ALTERED SKIN (February, 2019)
“During a routine hospital round, Insiya Zia, a Pakistani doctor, contracts a virus called the MN-2. A devastating pathogen, the virus causes uncontrollable outbursts of violent rage. With no cure in sight, the doctors have no choice but put Insiya in a state of induced coma. Meanwhile, the virus continues to spread through the country. The only relief is a drug called Cidhar, sold as an adhesive patch. However, it’s not a cure. All it does is calm the symptoms for a few hours. As Insiya’s condition continues to deteriorate, it appears her husband has accepted her impending death. But then the dead body of an investigative reporter turns.”

The Returned

A Pakistani zombie movie that borrows (i.e., steals) from The Returned, a 2013 Spanish/Canadian film that goes a little like this: “When a rare and difficult to obtain medicine that requires daily doses to stave off the effects of a zombie infection runs low, a physician and her infected husband go on the run to avoid angry demonstrators.”

They go to all this trouble when beer is the cure-all to pretty much everything, except it turns you into a zombie as opposed to the other way around.

Morbid Colors

MORBID COLORS (2019)
“Two foster sisters hunt down a socialite whom they believe infected the elder sibling with vampirism.”

Being a vampire seems like a better option than having a Rent-A-Center™ parent.

History of Horror, Evil Cadavers, Bowel Soda

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Science Fiction, Slashers, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 14, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Scary Black CherryFrozen Fanta

Burger King ™, the common man’s McDonald’s™, is getting into the Halloween spirit with their Scary Black Cherry Frozen Fanta drink, available now through All Hallows’ Eve. Here are the stats: 120 calories, 0g fat, 0g saturated fat, 0g cholesterol, 65mg sodium, 34g carbs, 0 g fiber, 33g sugar, 0g protein and 100g artificial flavor. But there’s an upside — the seasonal drink turns your mouth black, and by extension, whatever comes out of your bowels. 

Before you race to your local Burger King™ to buy a gallon of this stuff, here are a few now available/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not stress test your bowels…

Eli Roth's History of Horror

ELI ROTH’S HISTORY OF HORROR (October 14, 2018/AMC)
“A seven-episode deep dive into the world of horror, History of Horror features interviews with some of the genre’s top creators, and each episode will cover a different sub-genre of horror, ranging from supernatural entities to slasher maniacs.”

Supernatural entities to slasher maniacs. Looks like Eli’s been drinking in the same bar as me.

Storybook of Horror

STORYBOOK OF HORROR (available now/Amazon Prime™)
“Turn down the lights, and get ready for six horror tales that are sure to give you nightmares in this storybook horror anthology.”

For a really good collection of horror shorts (I think I just described my neighbor’s underwear), check out Tales of Halloween (2015), and take a drink every time blood is spilled; You’ll be drunk by the third story.

Prospect

PROSPECT (November 2, 2018)
“A teenage girl and her father travel to a remote alien moon, aiming to strike it rich. But there are others roving the wilderness and a job quickly devolves into a fight to survive. Forced to contend not only with the forest’s other ruthless inhabitants, but with her own father’s greed-addled judgment, the girl finds she must carve her own path to escape.”

A remote alien moon seems like a long way to go to strike it rich. They should stay on Earth and play the Power Ball Lottery™. Odds are you probably won’t win, but at least you won’t have to deal with ruthless inhabitants. Ironically, you’ll be swarmed with ruthless inhabitants if you do win.

The Possession of Hannah GraceTHE POSSESSION OF HANNAH GRACE (2018)
“A shocking exorcism spirals out of control, claiming the life of a young woman. Months later, Megan Reed is working the graveyard shift in the morgue when she takes delivery of a disfigured cadaver. Locked alone inside the basement corridors, Megan begins to experience horrifying visions and starts to suspect that the body may be possessed by a ruthless demonic force.”

Graveyard shift at the morgue. Sounds like a bad pun. Works in reverse, too. I do, however, like the premise of a disfigured corpse powered by evil. Has a certain zing to it.

Evil Girlfriends, Crosswalk Bigfoot, Horny Ghost

Posted in Bigfoot, Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 9, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Evil Dead

Gotta hand it to Monsters In Motion for coming up with The Evil Dead action figures of the possessed girlfriends. And like real girlfriends, they’re not cheap; both Shelly and Linda, in super cool retro styled packaging, costs $89.99…EACH. Even if your own girlfriend wasn’t possessed and dressed in a retro fashion style, that’d still be a hefty chunk of bit coin to spend on her, a romantic McDonald’s™ hamburger dinner notwithstanding.

The Evil DEad

Better hurry if you have the fun bucks to spare as they’re limited to 75 each. If they sell out, that’s $6,750.00 for a pile of painted plastic. And while you’re scrounging for the dough, here are a few just released/upcoming horror/Fantasy movies that may or may not be as affordable as your girlfriend and/or a McDonald’s hamburger…

The Back 80: A Modern Day Bigfoot Encounter

THE BACK 80: A MODERN DAY BIGFOOT ENCOUNTER (available now)
“During the summer of 2013, a woman’s world is turned upside down after seeing a Bigfoot cross the road in front of her one afternoon. She soon realizes that she is not alone on her own property and struggles to separate the truth from her own obsession. She finds others in town who have similar stories to tell and her quest for answers takes her to the abandoned, gated woods of the back eighty.”

Pffft — not seeing why everyone gets so gooned out from seeing a Bigfoot. I could, though, see causing an internal stink if the alleged cryptid jaywalker was wearing a funny hat.

Good Manners

GOOD MANNERS (available now)
“A mysterious and wealthy woman hires a lonely nurse named Clara to be the nanny of her soon-to-be born child. When a full moon brings about the birth of a werewolf, Clara makes it her mission to care for the monstrosity and protect it from others.”

A nanny to a werewolf. Clara isn’t thinking too clearly about this new job of hers. For one thing, it’d look really suspect on your resume when applying for future workings. Unless you wanna go to work for Victor Frankenstein. In which case, he’d probably hire you on the spot.

Muse

MUSE ( August 21, 2018)
“Inside a gritty, DTLA loft is a lonely, struggling painter who longs for artistic inspiration and to become a successful artist. But, when Adam’s muse takes form in a glimmering, mystical and deadly spirit creature from Celtic lore, the Leannán Sí, who is based upon the Gaelic legend of a mythical Celtic, she chooses Adam as her human lover to protect and seduce.”

Is there a downside to this? I’m thinkin’ win-win here.

Dead Love

DEAD LOVE (August 21, 2018)
Brandon is a young train engineer whose world is upended when his mother suddenly takes her own life. At the funeral home, he meets Fiona, a beautiful and mysterious mortician who takes a strong interest in him. Soon they discover they share a passion for music. And when Fiona serenades him with an ancient folk song, their lives become entwined for eternity.”

They share a passion for music? How about a little “bedspring symphony”? Heh.

Heavy Metal Waffles, Homicidal Wrestlers, Shark Parade

Posted in Classic Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Sharks with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 8, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

KISS: The Demon Waffle Maker

I’ve seen a lot of KISS™ merchandise over the years, but a Gene Simmons waffle iron is probably the coolest. (It also beats my KISShome pregnancy test kit all to hell.) Designed to make “Demon Waffles” (Gene’s character), it forms otherwise pointless waffle batter into a likeness of the bass player’s famous make-up design. (Wonder why McDonald’s™ never thought of that for the Hamburgler?)

KISS: The Demon Waffle Maker

KISS The Demon Waffle Maker™ can be obtained for $39.99 plus your soul and can even be used as a sandwich press, though Gene Simmons as a gooey peanut butter and jelly sandwich doesn’t sound that rock. It measures 8.5” x 5” x 10” and is made of stainless steel, or “metal.” Heh.

While your demon-faced waffle finishes burning, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies to stick your own face into…

Monochrome

MONOCHROME (June 6, 2018)
“A disillusioned young woman becomes a serial killer targeting wealthy land-owners, forcing a brilliant detective to use his unusual neurological condition to track her down.”

Pffft! — I have the same unusual neurological condition. It’s called a hangover.

Wrestlemassacre

WERESTLEMASSACRE (July, 2018)
“Randy is an awkward groundskeeper who is obsessed with professional wrestling. Longing for a sense of belonging with grandiose dreams of becoming a wrestling superstar, Randy is only met with abject humiliation and alienation. A brutal shaming at a local wrestling school pushes Randy over the edge and lights the spark for his blood lust. Donned in wrestling gear and armed with homicidal rage, Randy sets out on a blood soaked rampage to punish those who wronged him. The only hope of putting an end to his reign of carnage lies with Becky, an understanding client who is one of the only few to ever show him kindness.”

As a fan of pro wrestling — the only TRUE sport — I look forward to this one. If you’re of like mind, check out Wrestlemaniac (2006), Pro Wrestlers vs. Zombies (2013), Santo vs. las Mujeres Vampiro (1962) and my guilty fav, Monster Brawl (2011). I usually apply choke slams on beers while watching it.

Great White

GREAT WHITE (2018)
“A blissful tourist trip quickly turns into a nightmare when five passengers on a seaplane become stranded miles from shore. In a desperate bid for survival the group try to make it to land before they either run out of supplies or are taken by the man-eating sharks lurking just beneath the surface.”

Not to be confused with the other Great White movie, an Italian-made Jaws rip-off, back in 1981. But along with this one and Discovery Channel’s™ deliciously popular Shark Week (30th anniversary) launching on July 22, 2018, this looks to be the year of the shark, all topped off by The Meg (2018) chomping its way through people floating on inner tubes as if wet donuts.

Hellboy: Rise of the Blood Queen

HELLBOY (January 11, 2019)
“The new story sees the hero squaring off against a medieval sorceress who seeks to destroy humankind.”

One of no doubt many new sales art representations of the Hellboy: Rise of the Blood Queen movie. I first tagged this one on June 27, 2017. That key art was illustrated so as to keep kinetic with the graphic novels. But I like this one better as Hellboy himself looks pretty Hell-y.

White Trash Vampires

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Misc. Horror, Scream Queens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , on January 9, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Vampire Femmes

Shooting directly to video tape, the producers of this stinker ignore even the most basic of rules of filmmaking: table lamp lighting, truck driver dialogue, clip-on mics, questionably attractive women… They obviously raised the money to do Vampire Femmes (1999) by begging for change in front of McDonald’s™.

So three horny vampire chicks lure men to their three-bedroom rambler lair by way of “for sale — evening appointments only” advertising. Men show up and get their necks (and nothing else) sucked apart. Subsequently, they’re robbed and their cars traded at a chop shop for rent.

Vampire Femmes

A sub-plot concerns a wife-beating cop who tracks down his wife ] where she’s being harbored (and seduced) by the unholy gossip posse. A confrontation leads to the most cheapest and ridiculous gore scenes ever committed to $1.99 Fuji™ VHS tape.

Thanks to inept camera-work, we get to see a vampire chick and a guy have sex — while she’s wearing her undies. She can’t even fake it good. I want the last four hours of my life back again. (I watched it twice.)

Soulless Hamburgers, Evil Churches, Infected Farmers

Posted in Evil, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 18, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Burger King Halloween

I usually don’t get gooned out by stuff I’ve seen in movies. But in real life, stand back — barf-o-rama. In this case, the spew-inducing instigator is the new black Halloween hamburgers from McDonald’s™ and Burger King™ in Japan. The Mickey D’s hockey pucks have squid ink dyed hamburger buns. Whereas the Burger King buns sport not only a charcoal-esque pallor but black cheese as well. I just felt my throat contract.

McDonald's Halloween

Japan’s squid ink burger will set you back 370 yen, which translates to $3.40 U.S. bit coins/paper route money. This does not include tar milkshakes or burnt shoestring fries.

Burger King Halloween

The Burger KingBlack Ninja Burger actually has two spin-offs (or “sequels”): the Kuro Diamond and Kuro Pearl, which feature not just black buns, but slices of cheese and a tangy sauce that look dark enough to come from an H.P. Lovecraft novel.

Both hell-spawn sandwiches are available now if you live in Japan. For those of us not adventurous enough to stick one of those things in our collective black holes, will just have to settle for these just released and upcoming (and hopefully digestible) horror and sci-fi movies…

Scaler, Dark Spirit

SCALER, DARK SPIRIT (available now/VOD)
“A paranormal researcher is given video footage that reveals clues to an ancient evil residing in catacombs beneath the old city church.”

Reminiscent of John Carpenter’s Prince of Darkness (1987), wherein a college theoretic physics team and professor with one squint-y eye investigates a sentient, swirly green liquid in a large glass mayonnaise jar in the basement of an old Catholic church. It turns out to be wet Satan, but those with a degree at first deduce it to be a septic tank for the church’s unholy leavings. Close.

Trauma

TRAUMA (2017)
“Four friends visit a rural locality of Chile, are brutally attacked by a man and his son. After not finding help in the town, they decide to confront these men with the help of a pair of policemen. But in this way, they will discover that their attackers have in their blood the direct legacy of the darkest period of Chilean history and will have to face the most brutal enemy.”

Try not to confuse this Trauma with about, oh, a dozen other movies with the same title, dating back to the ancient days of 1993. So you can watch this and have a bowl of Chile. Or not watch it and have a bowl of chili. Without beans.

3 Hours Till Dead

3 HOURS TILL DEAD (available now/VOD)
“An AWOL soldier with PTSD goes into hiding along with his brother and a few friends. They retreat into a rural farm area unaware that the outside world has ceased to function. On their way back to civilization, his brother is attacked by an infected farmer. He quickly morphs into a rabid animal and lives for exactly three hours. Realizing they are in grave danger, they head back to the forest trying to outlive the legions of the infected.”

This may have come out in the year 2016 on some sort of physical media, but these are things I know not of which I speak. That spoken, the be attacked by an infected, rabid farmer is not new. With all the chicken/cow/pig/horse dropping farmers get on their hands and then rub their eyes (probably due to hay fever), it’s a wonder we’re all not infected from the farm food those guys handle without using convenient moist towelettes and anti-bacterial soap from a push button dispenser. Still, a zombie farmer — that’s kinda neat.

Dead Body

DEAD BODY (2018)
“Several friends decide to celebrate their high school graduation at a lake house in the woods. One of the classmates recommends that they play the old-fashioned game of Dead Body. In the game, one player is ‘the body,’ one player is ‘the killer’ and all of the other players try to figure out whodunit. Unfortunately, on this particular night, the game ends up featuring a real-life killer. The bodies begin piling up and, in an ‘Agatha Christie And Then There Were None’ style mystery, the survivors are forced to figure out who the killer is amongst them — before there is no one left standing.”

This one’s been banging around the film festival circuit since 2015. Still, sounds like the classic board game Clue (called Cluedo in the UK), which first came out in 1949. I don’t think that one had a real-life killer in it, though. Those guys cheat all the time.

Creatures, Ghosts and STDs

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 17, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Man VS

Watched a documentary on 1980s horror movie scream queens the other day. Surprised to find out these often naked and hired-to-shriek actresses made less than an average 7-Eleven™ manager’s assistant’s intern. Shocking revelation, but at least you get a screen credit; no one in the history of 7-Eleven™ has ever had their picture — let alone their name — on any one of its fine and potentially healthy microwaveable products. Talk about unsung heroes.

Here’s some upcoming low paydays for a few people…

MAN VS (February 14, 2017/VOD)
As host of his own hit TV series, MAN VS, Doug Woods is forced to fend for himself for five days in remote locations with no crew, food, or water, only the cameras he carries on his back to film his experiences. Doug’s in the remote woods for a routine episode, until he’s awoken by an earth-shaking crash. Things get weirder as it becomes clear Doug isn’t alone. Someone or something is watching him. MAN VS is a gripping ‘found footage’ thriller about one man’s extraordinary desire to survive at all costs.”

Not a fan of these types of TV shows. I’m always rooting for nature to put these fame hungry participants out of my misery. So what might be in the woods going after Woods? (Really? They couldn’t give him another last name?) My guess is media critics and/or low ratings.

Lake Alice

LAKE ALICE (2017)
“It’s Christmas at an isolated cabin in the subzero temperatures of northern Wisconsin where the days are short and the nights last forever. As a blizzard descends on Lake Alice, so does evil, as the Thomas family is hunted down one by one. The family struggles to stay alive as their numbers slowly dwindle.”

Numbers always dwindle in subzero temps — and casinos. My first thought is why would a family go to an isolated cabin in a blizzard on Christmas when there are lots of nice and warm cocktail lounges within $1 of gas distance? As for the “evil” dogging the Thomas clan on Christmas, it’s probably Krampus. Gotta say, I like that guy.

Gremlin

GREMLIN (2017)
“A man receives a mysterious box containing a terrible secret, a creature that will kill everyone else in his family unless he passes it on to someone he loves to continue its never-ending circulation. He can’t destroy it. He can’t escape it. He can only give it to someone he loves before it’s too late.”

Sounds like a cross between The Ring (2002) and It Follows (2014). As for passing along a terrible secret to someone he loves, I’m thinkin’ herpes.

The Lodgers

THE LODGERS (2017)
“A sister and brother are haunted by a secret curse that forces them to remain in the large estate home left to them by their dead parents. But when a young man who falls in love with the sister tries to free her, his attempt sets off a deadly chain reaction.”

Forced to remain in a large estate home without parents? Sucks to be you. Try living in a nightmare apartment building with loud and obnoxious butt-heads being loud and obnoxious day in and day out. And don’t get me started on the overflowing recycling dumpster that only gets emptied once a month or the never ending semi trucks delivering frozen hockey puck “meat” patties to the McDonald’s™ behind said nightmare apartment building.