Archive for Masters of Horror

Yummy Death For Dessert

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , on January 12, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

We All Scream For Ice Cream

A bunch of socially snotty kids play a trick on Buster the Clown, a mentally-handicapped ice cream truck driver, and the clown goes down. In other words, he was made into an ice cream sandwich after the kids pop the brake on his Cheery Tyme truck and it squashes the dealer of non-room temperature treats. No word on whether or not any ice cream survived.

We All Scream For Ice Cream

It’s now 20 years later and the snotty kids have all grown up with snotty children of their own. Time for some revenge, rocky road style. Buster T. Clown, now looking like he’s been through cold storage Hell, has come back from the dead and drives his truck through eerie fog, handing out treats at midnight to kids, who have fallen into a zombie-like state and are out doing a little sleepwalking. (Hey, at least they’re getting some exercise.)

We All Scream For Ice Cream

The ice cream Buster gives them is shaped like people. Once a kid bites into it, their dad dies, dissolving into a big puddle of (wait for it) ice cream. The grown-up kids who killed Buster are themselves being eliminated, one by one, by the cold clown, melted into strawberry, vanilla and chocolate goo.

We All Scream For Ice Cream

Buster can make your car windows frost over, and when you touch him, it’s like sticking your hands in a freezer for two hours, except the effect is instantaneous. (Buster would be handy to have around if there’s any warm beer in the house.)

We All Scream For Ice Cream

Despite this, We All Scream For Ice Cream (2007) is pretty weak and a paint-by-numbers installment for the Masters of Horror series. Yeah, there’s a halfway decent face-melting scene. But it’s simply too stock to be of any social value. It’s enough to make you switch to frozen yogurt, which isn’t as yuck city as you’d think.

Horror Legends, Crapping Aliens, Cowboy Grave Risers

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 16, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Harry Dean Stanton

Sad to report the passing of another another horror/sci-fi movie icon, Harry Dean Stanton (July 14, 1926 – September 15, 2017), whom I first saw as the affable Brett in Alien (1979). He was the first to make the Xenomorph’s to-do in list. In all, Harry starred in nearly 200 movies/TV shows, notably Escape From New York (1981), Christine (1983), Repo Man (1984), and even a small part in The Avengers (2012). (He saw The Hulk naked.)

Tobe Hooper

And on this note, I was remiss in reporting the earlier passing of horror icon movie maker, Tobe Hooper (January 25, 1943 – August 26, 2017), the man behind Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974), Eaten Alive (1976), Salem’s Lot (1979), Poltergeist (1982), Invaders From Mars (1986), The Mangler (1995) and was a big part of the Masters of Horror series (2005) and many more. (Tobe even did the Billy Idol video, “Dancing With Myself.”)

I’ve watched all these movies, sometimes over and over (I’m looking in your direction Alien and your endless repackaging.) To say these men had an impact on my neverending love for horror and sci-fi is an understatement. Thank you, gentlemen — your work gave me a very rewarding life.

Here are a few just-released horror/sci-fi that may not exist without the talents and influence of Harry Dean Stanton and Tobe Hooper

5th Kind

5TH KIND (available now)
“Three best friends try to get ‘internet famous’ by filming their own survival show out in the woods. A weekend trip to accomplish this project turns deadly when a mysterious and very foreign visitor ends up in their neck of the woods.”

This movie — which is not a sequel to The Fourth Kind (2009) — answers the question, do aliens crap in the woods. The key art gives it away, minus the doo doo part. I don’t wanna see that on any poster. Except Rise of Toilet Man. I hear it’s overflowing with horror. Ahem.

KM 31-2

KM 31-2 (available now)
Martin Ugalde is the detective who led the investigation into a series of mysterious deaths on a benighted stretch of road surrounded by woodland. Having been disgraced and even incarcerated for failing to solve the original case, he is now back on the case. Meanwhile, young Ágata, who awoke from a coma at the end of the original, is now possessed by an evil spirit.”

This one came out in Mexico on October 31, 2016, or so they say. I was not able to get into Mexico to verify. I kept being deported. The title is in reference to a road with the KM part being either kilometer or “kill-o-meter.” Kinda wondering how they work in the “possessed by and evil spirit” angle. It could be a simple, solveable case of eating a bad burrito.

Capps CrossingCAPPS CROSSING (available now)
“10 years ago David left his girlfriend Tracy all alone in the forest after she broke up with him. Tracy never made it back to camp alive. Every year David returns to pay his respects at Capps Crossing, the site of her death. After years of built up pain, anger and guilt he loses his mind and takes it out on a group of campers that chose Capps Crossing for their weekend getaway. There’s just one rule at Capps Crossing…never be alone.”

This one might get weak plot of the year award. And by the way, Tracy’s not dead — she’s breaking up with some other dude at Dumpsville, just down the road apiece.

Dead Again In Tombstone

Guerrero (Danny Trejo) returns from the dead to protect a stolen relic from falling into the hands of a gang of soldiers, which will ultimately cause Hell upon earth.”

The great Danny Trejo doing his best Jonah Hex in this country western horror cheapie. And Jonah Hex (2010) was just a cowboy version of The Crow (1994). But instead of a crow bringing you back across the veil of death, it was a donkey, or “sand kangaroo.”

Mean Mountain Monster

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , on August 30, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Incident On And Off A Mountain Road

Ellen is a good person, but she can’t steer a car worthy of a student driver. Traveling along a mountain road, she crashes into another car. Yes, it was me. She then witnesses a hulking mutant freak with a pasty-white face dragging the body out of the mangled wreck (me) into the woods.

Incident On And Off A Mountain Road

The person doing the dragging is Moonface, a super mean serial killer. (I know, that sounds so generic, but it gets better.) Moonface pursues Ellen, but thanks to survival training with emphasis on guerilla warfare and special weapons tactics forced upon her by her super mean serial husband, she eludes Moonie.

Incident On And Off A Mountain Road

Moonface eventually catches her and drags her to his bloody workshop so far into the woods, even Bigfoot won’t go there. Tied up and knee-deep in corpses, Ellen meets Buddy, a mentally handi-capable hick who warns her of bad things Moonface does to his victims. Case in point: Moonie hauls the body of another woman into the cabin, throws her on a work table and removes her eyes with a drill press. Think butcher meets optometrist.

Incident On And Off A Mountain Road

Using her survival skills she manages to get free and has a punchy fight with Moonface, who gets thrown through a window, but is barely resisting gravity by holding on to a blanket that keeps him suspended over a mega waterfall. A bed cover does not a parachute make.

Incident On And Off A Mountain Road

If you think Incident On And Off A Mountain Road (2005) ends here, shut up your brain. In a smooth twist, Ellen does something that’s both sick and brilliant – and it doesn’t involve shaving her armpits. I’d tell you but it just wouldn’t be as gratifying as all those other movies I’ve plot-spoiled for you. I must be getting soft.

I Dream of Witches

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Scream Queens, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 12, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Dreams In The Witch House

In Dreams In The Witch House (Masters of Horror Series, 2005), Walter Gilman is a grad student working on his thesis of inter-dimensional physics. (Hey Walter – I hear Jack-In-The Box™ is looking for someone with your education.)

Dreams In The Witch House

Walt moves into a really cheap (i.e., slummy) boarding house with a weird old guy downstairs, a fat slob landlord, and a single mom hot chick with a squalling brat who cries even louder when a human-faced rat comes out of the wall and starts to nibble on him. What a cry baby.

Dreams In The Witch House

Walter saves the day by fixing the woman’s hole, but inherits the problem in his room, which just happens to be a gateway for a witch who needs a sacrifice of a child to do more witch-y stuff. Of course, being an “educated” type, Walter doesn’t believe in his nightmares or that talking rodent. The old creepy man downstairs does and tries to warn Walter. Yep, not goin’ there, either.

Dreams In The Witch House

One day the gal asks Walter to baby-sit. Guess he shouldn’t have fallen asleep on the job because the kid was taken by the witch and is in the attic somewhere. Digging his way through the wall like a human-faced rat, Walter, confronted by the Demoness, is forced to give the kid a knife nap. Someone should call the school and tell them Walter won’t be coming back.

And the rat? He has one last thing to do – and it’s double icky gross. Probably not for a rat. But for a human, totally.