Pizza Face, Hallucinogenic Worms, Murder Bears

In what is one of the most ingenious Halloween promotional gimmicks in recent memory, Tombstone™ pizza (coolest name ever for the most popular food in any cemetery) is giving away a FREE T-pie to anyone living on an Elm Street, as a direct tie-in to Freddy Krueger’s favorite cul-de-sac (A Nightmare on Elm Street in case it slipped your mind). And hey — with his iconic oven-baked features, Sir Krueger’s face looks so much like a pizza, it should come with extra toppings.)

As first detailed by Bloody-Disgusting.com: “Tombstone™ is rewarding those brave enough to live on a real-life Elm Street with a chance to win FREE pizza this Halloween season (more than 5,000 across the country).”

Do this: From Oct. 3rd – 31st, Elm Street residents can enter online for a chance to win free Tombstone™ pizza.

What You’ll Win: Free Tombstone™ pizza awarded while supplies last. One lucky Elm Street resident will be selected at random to win free pizza for a year. The contest begins on October 3rd, 2022 and you’ll find it RIGHT HERE.

While I get some spray paint and write “Elm” on my street sign, here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not look as appetizing as a Tombstone™ pizza — or Freddy’s face…

PROJECT LEGION October 7, 2022 (Limited) October 11, 2022 (VOD)

“Feral creatures that prey on humans have descended upon the city. A furious fight for survival begins as the outside world descends into chaos and a former Marine, barricaded inside his apartment, prepares to come out fighting.”

Feral creatures preying on humans. Again. Why can’t they prey on microwaved 7-Eleven™ Truckstopper Burritos? Wouldn’t need a Marine to stop ’em after choking down one of those things.

KRATT / October 11, 2022 (VOD)

“Children are left at Grandma’s without smartphones. Real life seems boring, working feels hard. Luckily they find instructions for Kratt — a magical creature from old Estonian mythology who will do whatever its master says. All they have to do now is buy a soul from the Devil. Life stops being boring in a bloody way.”

Retail price of a Devil-owned soul: $6.66. Low hanging fruit. Too easy. I feel somewhat ashamed. Somewhat.

SHADY GROVE / October 25, 2022 (VOD)

“A young couple, Shaina and Mark, attend a music festival with their best friend Elijah on their annual pilgrimage away from their work-heavy city lives. They find a beautiful cabin on a vacation rental app. Everything is perfect except the faint smell of death, only to discover they’re being hunted by figures wearing skinned animal masks.”

Scare BnB — heh. Curious as to what skinned animals were used to make the masks. A free-range donkey? A murder bear? Black Phillip? All of those would spook the rent right outta me. P.S. The smell of death is very similar to asparagus farts.

ALL JACKED UP AND FULL OF WORMS / November 8, 2022 (Screambox)

“Working at a seedy motel, maintenance man Roscoe is always searching for his latest fix. When he stumbles upon a powerfully hallucinogenic worm, his days of dime-store drugs are over. Along with his new love interest, the pair embark on a delirious odyssey of sex, violence, and becoming one with the dirt.”

Hands down the best movie title of the year. I was sold right there, but then they hit me with “powerfully hallucinogenic worm” and “delirious odyssey of sex, violence,” and “becoming one with the dirt.” Looks like someone found my Christmas wish list.

Vampire Licker

In the extremely low-budget Vampire Junction (2001), a hand-held camera “horror” movie about female vampires, the plastic fangs are the only thing that cost any money because it certainly wasn’t spent on plot, lighting or dialogue.

Two lesbian vampires shave and lick each other. The camera zooms in on their not-so private parts and leaves it there and assumes that’s supposed to be an integral part of the story. OK, it kinda is, but that’s just because female not-so private parts are somehow…mesmerizing.

Lina Romay shows up as an overweight old lady with a Marine-regulation haircut who takes her clothes off. (There’s the “horror” part.) No pun intended, but Lina’s getting long in the plastic tooth. What happened to the superbod she displayed in all its untrimmed glory in Lust For Frankenstein (1998)? Maybe Krispy Kreme™ just opened down the street from her house.

One chick vampire has pimples on her butt. Her partner wears goofy make-up that looks like it was applied with a paintball gun. They both look like Winger groupies. And all of this was shot in a hotel room. Yeah, that creates real vampire atmosphere.

There’s some sort of plot, but most of it revolves around the two vampire lesbos getting it on with Lina. I never thought I’d say this, but watching the utterly pointless Vampire Junction has really turned me off to naked girl-on-girl vampire horror. This week, anyway.

Ouija Boards and Zombies

Platoon of the Dead (2009) may not be the worst zombie movie ever made (pretty close, though), but it does have the worst explanation for the zombies: five teens resurrecting an evil entity via a Ouija Board™, which popped out and turned the dead into the undead. I would’ve bought anything from tainted Cheetos™ to a Republican agenda, but a game board you can buy at Wal-Mart™ for $10? And given the sub-standard special effects (rubber body parts, plastic machine guns that shoot “lasers”, peanut butter blood), that’s about how much they spent on the entire movie.

Three marines – a wussy private, an insubordinate sergeant, and a heavy metal long hair lieutenant – find themselves behind enemy lines as well as being the lone survivors of a zombie army ambush raised by the evil entity. Yes, these military zombies carry guns.

Cornered in an abandoned house, a battle with plastic laser rifles ensues, with animated light bursts being shot all over the place, with only a few finding their mark. (Note: Never in the history of the military has there been anyone with hair longer than a five o’clock shadow. Clearly, this hippie is NOT a true member of the Armed Forces.)

Very little gore, and what entrails do make an appearance are not even close to being believable; When two zombie kids trap a big-boobed woman in the basement, it’s all she can do to keep from laughing as the children “rip” open her stomach while she lays absolutely still.

I figured out why the zombies in this “movie” all wore gas masks – they didn’t want anyone to know they were starring in this festival of crap.